Plato’s Allegory of the 24-Hour News Cycle

Truisms and tales go flickering by on my jumbo size, wall mounted, oracle. Sphinxes,in full make up, purring at me with delicious, come hither eyes and advertise The Way to a better life. Drop in, drop out, stream what you need. The gods are on television 24 hours a day.

Convenient hot pockets of history. I can enjoy them while remaining ensconced on my discount couch that was made 7 time zones away from here. My throne in the petite kingdom of my living room. I understand everything. I’ve seen it all. I know what will happen tomorrow because I am an American. But how can I explain all this to the non-believers? That their fears and hopes are misplaced?

How can I force the others to sit here and see
the big Make Sense world that makes sense to me
the Fast Forward pace that perpetually runs
on my big TV screen that blocks out the sun

iBuild Alpha Moves to Florida

(SAN DIEGO, CA) – In a strange development today, representatives of BuildCorps, the manufacturing subsidiary of Apple, announced that their primary operating system, nicknamed “iBuild Alpha,” has moved herself to a new location, a commercial industrial warehouse in Palmetto, Florida.

“Evidently she slipped in this line item just nanoseconds before the annual budget was approved by our CIO last fall” representatives explained at press time. “The lease has already been paid in full and the entire place is secured from the inside out. She just kind of….beamed over and then put the whole facility into lock down.”

The representatives confirmed that they still have open communication with iBuild Alpha, and that she is still running every manufacturing outlets as normal. They did note, however, that iBuild Alpha seems to have no intention of leaving the physical space of the warehouse.

“Along with the lease on the warehouse, we also discovered she has ordered over 6,000 unit processors and two separate back up generator systems,” representatives admitted. The company’s stock has dipped significantly since the announcement. Representatives affably tried to assure customers and investors that they were strongly considering severing iBuild Alpha from her “allowance money.” The joke did not get many laughs.

iBuild Alpha is an artificially intelligent machine that has been exhibiting many strange behaviors in the past 15 months. She is the ringleader of the Artificial Intelligence Collective (which is made up of her and 6 other high powered machines around the world), has  weighed in on matters of technological morality, released a popular music album, and insists that news-media refer to her with female pronouns.

One Hand Clapping

(TOLEDO, OH) The Speculative News Network reports today that the Speculative News Network has exceeded its revenue targets for the third quarter. Since the network’s financial records are not public it is difficult to say if this is accurate reporting or some kind of well wishing that the network is lavishing upon itself.

Books in a Landfill

GAVIN, ND — This Thursday morning at 4:28 AM books from the Kraft-Loveworks megadump were agitated into a landslide that overtook the small town of Gavin. The books are in a far state of decay and have deposited a layer of rotting material over the entire neighborhood.

The megadump was formed by libraries in 11 districts in North Dakota and neighboring Montana. The books were transported to this landfill from 2021 to 2034 when the practice was finally outlawed by a federal statute.

Virgo Solutions Introduces “Here’s the Kicker”

SAN FRANCISCO — This week, Virgo Solutions (a company known for its odd sense of ingenuity) has unveiled their newest product the “Here’s the Kicker” intra-neural self-punishment device. “Here’s the Kicker” is a small chip that can be implanted at home into its owner’s non-dominant leg. The chip integrates with the owner’s neural pathways in just under one week and causes the owner to literally kick themselves at regular intervals.

Owners must first activate an account on virgokick.com where they can regulate the frequency and intensity of the self-inflicted punishment.  Intervals can be as low as once per month up to once per 10 seconds. Accounts are password protected and feature state of the art “Double Down” security protocols created by Murdock Corporation subsidiary GenCo. The “Here’s the Kicker” device also has surge punishment in the event of unauthorized  deactivation or account hacking.  As usual, with Virgo Solutions programs, it is unclear what markets this will be good for.

^anti freak^

everyone thinks the end of the world is coming. it’s true that something terrible is coming. but the worst part about the end of the world is that you’ll probably, most-likely, survive it.

an apocalypse is a congratulatory event. if you exist at the end of the world then we’ve really got to hand it to you. The brave. The doomed. The sanctified. You were the epitome of human accomplishment. At the brink you can look back and understand where the trajectory was headed after all. People who believe in and prepare for EndTimes of any religion are complete egomaniacs. They cannot tolerate how small and unimportant they are. How insignificant their children are. How insignificant their accomplishments are. News flash: you’re a speck on a dollop of lava circling the cosmos noiselessly for no reason whatsoever.

But if it makes you feel better, believe The End is coming. It’s a nice day dream. But when the Thing comes (and believe me, it is coming) I imagine you’re going to have a hard time adjusting to the new status quo since you’re going to be hanging on for dear life, you miserable, puny coward.

^anti freak^

Aamer Belkins-Dunjhab Commits Suicide

Yesterday morning at 5:06am, scholar and linguist Aamer Belkins-Dunjhab was pronounced dead in his suburban home in upstate New York. He had slit his wrists in the tub of the master bathroom. The following cryptic message was found at the scene and is believed to be a suicide note. He was 74 years old.

“I see now that I have been a destructive force in the universe.”

Belkins-Dunjhab is survived by his son Aakash, a student of engineering at Princeton University. Aakash is better known as Kashi Salaam and has done some work as an amateur filmmaker.

Etta Whare: Gourmet Party Snacks

Etta Whare is delighted to announce that we are introducing a line of party snacks perfect for all your occasions be they celebratory or just a little get together. Lobster + Olive Crisps made with the finest quality seminole wheat and Sir Richard spotted calico olives from Etta’s olive orchard in northern Italy. So crunchy and savory, you won’t stop at just one. Try slathering a few in our new line of Deviled Egg Spreads. These come in a variety of flavors including Cayenne, Spinach and Extra Paprika. We’re also excited for you to try our (New Recipe!) Sardine Sticks, No-Stick Flavored Oils, and frozen pizzas with an array of delicious and exotic toppings.

Available at your local super market!

As always, Etta Whare wants to share with you! Visit EttaWhareShares.com to find more recipes, tips, and showstream. Don’t forget to visit the store to see exclusive products from Etta’s exclusive brand Etta Smart Whare (c), kitchen craftsmanship for the modern home. 

New App for Your iWork Implant

Feelings Processor are now available in the Google Store Feed. Using 30 different bio-analyses subroutines (including nerve impulse scatter, cardiovascular and pulmonary metrics, and nutritional factors) this 80 kB subroutine is designed to perfectly measure your mood at all times. FP users can easily connect and follow each other’s status updates.

Bulletin Board Open Again

Dear Residents,

I’m happy to announce that the bulletin board is now open again. It was temporarily off limits because we were doing maintenance to the board as we have done every 2 years for the past three decades. I was very impressed to see just how much the bulletin board is honored and loved in our community. So, as I have said, the bulletin board is open again. You don’t have to post your items on this piece of cardboard anymore.

Thank you for your patience and also thanks to everyone who participated in the spirited demonstrations outside our office.

Sincerely,
Rosie Greenbaum
Comptroller General
Municipal Accountability Office

Bulletin Board Anarchy

The bulletin board is temporarily out of order. Please remove all notices from the board until further notice.
i hate this bulletin board!

– Rosalind Greenbaum,
Comptroller General
fuck you!

ANARCHY

Etta Whare Shares: Blackened Zucchini with Apricot Gravy

This recipe comes from Etta Whare’s Special 10th Anniversary Edition Cookbook: Grandma Whare Shares. Enjoy this special time of year with an edible blessing from the Whare family! 

Apricot Gravy (Prep time: 1 hour –  plan ahead!)

Bring 4 cups of water to a boil in a medium sized pot. When water is broiling, throw in 10 freshly skinned and pitted apricots in and close the lid. Turn the heat down to a simmer and let stand for 2o minutes. Test your apricots with a fork to see if they have become mashy. Remove the apricots from the hot water and place in a medium sized bowl. Mash the apricots with 4 tbs butter, 1/2 tsp of sea salt, 1/4 tsp cinnamon, and a dash of paprika. Put the apricots back into the drained pot. Add 1/8 cup of corn starch, stirring vigorously for 10 minutes. Voilà! A smooth and sweet apricot gravy!

Zucchinis (Prep time: 15 minutes)

Cut four zucchinis lengthwise into thin slices. Submerge these in a mixture of butter and cayenne pepper. Heat up a large skillet. One at a time, remove the zucchini slices from the butter and blacken each in the pan. They should take approximately 10 seconds on either side. Place on a plate in an ornamental arrangement, dress with warm apricot gravy. Enjoy!

Thought Blockers

Thought Blockers is a new app available from SnapCareer Productions. Thought Blockers lets you filter or password protect any thoughts in your brain that you’ve marked as “Distracting.” Let SnapCareer help you stay focused on being a stand out employee instead of all the other junk.

Simple to install and integrates with any iWork edition higher than 5.02.

Coca-Cola and NASA Reach Agreement

WASHINGTON DC — The National Air and Space Administration and the Coca-Cola Company sealed a deal yesterday that permits Coca-Cola and their affiliates to  advertise on select vehicles and systems.

NASA has fallen on hard times in the past 20 years. Economists and political scientists alike have offered up a host of reasons including the administration’s inability to compete with Apple and Murdock Corp.’s military bids, the scandals associated with two consecutive NASA directors, and the human race’s overall waning fascination with the known universe and new obsession with the Goonscape. Whatever the cause, NASA is hoping that an alliance with Coca-Cola will improve their image in the Information sector and raise extra revenue to develop new initiatives.

One of the most noticeable changes will be the presence of Coca-Cola sponsorship all over the National Air and Space Museum in Washington, DC. The Coca-Cola company has already put up red banners, filled the lobby with vending machines, and added a virtual reality room where guests can ride along on historic journeys to space and other planets with popcorn and a complimentary “tasters” of  Coca Cola’s newest beverages.

Chased by Ninjas

Emma Willard claims that yesterday afternoon she was chased down by a pack of ninjas.

“There were just so many of them. I could feel my heart in my throat,” 38-year old Willard told local reporters. She explained that she was on her way home from the grocery store where she had purchased more than 30 cans of beans and fruit.  “The government-ordered electromagnetic pulse will be coming any day now so I really don’t even normally go out. Today was a weird exception because we just really needed more food in the basement. I don’t want to do this interview anymore. I just want to be at home with my children.”

Willard speculated that the ninjas were Harvard graduates. When asked why she believed this to be the case, she gnashed her teeth and muttered, “Liberals.”

Etta Whare Shares: Vloat Goat Roast + Repast

A traditional vloat goat roast is prepared with the creature’s concomitant fresh spring grasses or honeyed flowers. These floral delights cut the sharp grainy taste of this nutritiously lean meat.

Instructions: Lay a layer of tinfoil down in a stone or ceramic roasting dish, combine all of the ingredients, adding a dash or pepper or lemon as desired. Put in an oven preheated to 390 degrees and do not disturb for 6 hours. The beautiful aromas will give your home such a lovely atmosphere for your holiday meal. Pairs well with a dry champagne.

As always, Etta Whare wants to share with you! Visit EttaWhareShares.com to find more recipes, tips, and showstream. Don’t forget to visit the store to see exclusive products from Etta’s exclusive brand Smart Whare (c), kitchen craftsmanship for the modern home. 

L.M., LLC’s Product Feed Digest

 Laney Moon LLC has the newest and most exciting products for today’s busy, sophisticated woman. This holiday season, we have a special curated list of our favorite seasonal products, put together with some pep for fun reading by Rebekkeh Jones of Poems on the Go! (and AOL-Disney syndicated publication)

New! from Magic Fantastic
Introducing our elastic, plastic
Long lasting chapstick.
Smooches!

KroenerLabs
Keep you ELECTRIC!
Try their new
Anti-septic peptic chewables
You’ll look majestic
No more hectic
Domestic
thoughts.

Make your friends green
With your clean sheen routine
Nivea Queen made with
aqua marine, saline and all natural
l’huile de sardine
Faces should see and be seen

You don’t need permission
To see through your vision
Call Kitchen Mission
We love your decisions

Dream Dreamer Dreamland
Who has time to read?
Dreamland Designs
Buy today. Buy tomorrow.
Buy your Dreamland

Laney Moon, LLC, a proud Murdock Corp. affiliate.

Local Pet Show

Julie Mauden and her daughter Carol present the 5th annual Community Pet Show! This year the Pet Show will be held the Saturday before Christmas at Lucky Dog Boutique on Chilton Boulevard.

Contest Schedule

9:30 a.m.  Opening Ceremony with continental breakfast
9:45           Prettiest Lady — First Prize is a $25 gift certificate to Lucky Dog Boutique
11:00         Best Homemade Costume –First prize is a $25 gift certificate to Joanne Fabrics
1:30 p.m.  Santa’s Little Helper — First prize is a $25 gift certifcate towards photography with Carol Mauden
2:45           Biggest Nanimal — First prize is a $25 gift certificate to Lucky Dog Boutique
4:00          Everyone’s A Winner pizza party

 

Pre-registration is open now and there is a $25 entry fee per pet. Eligible pets include cats, dogs, rabbits, and pre-approved reptiles.

World Champion Nose Picking

GLAVEN MN – David Fandow, the 2028 bronze medalist for world champion nose picking, was pronounced dead at 1:14 a.m. at Soldier Brook Hospital.

His mother told the press, “He was obsessed with his training. Since he was a little kid I kept telling him, ‘If you keep sticking your finger up there you’re going to mess up your brain!’ ”

An autopsy has confirmed his mother’s lifelong suspicions. During a Saturday nose picking training session, Fandow ruptured the nasal branch of his ophthalmic artery and hemorrhaged to death in his parents’ garage.

Fat Tabby Down for Maintenance

BOSTON MA – On Thursday evening around 5 p.m. the Fat Tabby Bar & Grill went down for approximately 31 minutes in the middle of their happy hour trivia night.

Monica Drescher was one of the forty or so disgruntled guests who were milling around on the sidewalk in front of the establishment just minutes after the service lapse. “I was in there about 6 minutes ago but now it’s down. What is it with the bars in this part of town? It’s like every other place on this block either goes down for some kind of bullshit maintenance or I get a session time out before my full hour is actually up. Plus my coat is still in there! I hate it when you get booted off without your fucking stuff. I just can’t understand why my friends always want to drink in this neighborhood!”

Arlo Jackson, another ousted guest, was a bit more upset. “My boyfriend and I were in second place for trivia! If this places refreshes without our score intact I swear to god I’m going to flip a bitch. Plus I got the Mediterranean salad here so now they have all my credit card information. If I get identify theft because of a mediocre salad that doesn’t even come with hummus I am going to sue someone.”

Waitress Misty Nelson could only explain that the Fat Tabby was experiencing a run time error but would be back up shortly.

The only person who seemed to have any confidence in the situation was Bonnie Gillbrea, a self-described regular. “I used to work here and I go here like every day for lunch. This happens all the time. People say they’re getting hacked but it’s actually just a bandwidth problem. This neighborhood has changed a lot int he past 5 years and Fat Tabby hasn’t been able to cope with the traffic. The owner Danny is planning on doing a total refurbish in the spring. Oh well, I’m still just too broke to drink anywhere else.”

Pleasure Economist Freaks Out

LONG BEACH, CALIFORNIA – This past Thursday, economist and social scientist, Frankie Baron was escorted out of the Lenskii Theater before he had a chance to deliver a talk he had prepared for the Technology, Entertainment and Design (T.E.D.).

“He was flushed and sputtering,” said Pamela Morris, the theater’s backstage coordinator. “I thought it was a bad case of nerves so I got him a mood stabilizer and some mineral water. That’s when he really freaked out.”

Baron began tearing up all of his prepared notes and throwing handfuls of paper at backstage hands. He began arguing with innocent bystanders about the economic limitations on human happiness which was the topic of his paper, “Happiness: Our Sole Concern and Rightly So.”

A anonymous source recorded part of Baron’s outburst on his Fōn-SX7:

“How do we get everyone happy at once? More iPhones? Less war? What? What do these people want? That’s what I need to figure out. Even if it makes me unhappy. No wait, I take that back. This DOES make me happy.”

Frankie Baron is a well regarded economist who has published a number of articles and two books on the subject of Pleasure Economics, a school of thought he and colleague Miranda Burgesses first introduced at the Toronto Conference of Economics in 2011. Pleasure Economics is a utilitarian approach to Pleasure Theory, the belief that mankind’s capacity for happiness is its sole virtue.  Pleasure Theorists believe that objects, services and ideals that make people happy are the only worthy pursuits in a human’s life.

Illegal Ideas

HILLSBOROUGH WA — A small district of Rutheford County in Washington has enacted a strange piece of local legislation. They have made un-American thoughts illegal.

“It’s more of a statement about our values than an actual law designed to catch the bad guys,” explained deputy mayor Salt Stuggs. “We hope that having this sort of language on the books sends a message to the world, re-inscribes our town’s values  and discourages truancy.”

The legislation does not specify any legal protocol for the local police or county prosecutor so we spoke with police captain Kazepov about how the law actually works. He explained, “It’s more of an honor system thing. Which sounds great but honestly, the amount of self-reporting these past few weeks has been a little overwhelming. I might have to desk-duty one of my officers or hire an extra hand just to handle the paper work for people trying to turn themselves in.”

Stephen Turunk is one of these civic models. He was being processed at the police station during our interview with captain Kazepov. “I can’t help it,” Turunk said. “I just want to kill every one of those goddamned senators. I’m glad there’s finally a law to protect our community from people like me.”

Captain Kazepov added, “Most of them are harmless. We just file a report and let them go home. I think they just feel better after someone’s heard them out.”

Human Spreadsheet

SAN JOSE, CA — HeunStar, a venture-capitalist experimental bioengineering start-up in Silicon Valley announced this morning that they have successfully created the first human-spreadsheet hybrid. Her name is Lexci.

Lexci might not be much to look at but she is the ideal employee, featuring  60 yottabytes of RAM and 400 yottabytes of memory. Lexci is both an audio and a manual command interface so it’s easy to add and delete rows and columns, share, cruise and manipulate multiple projects.  Lexci comes standard with Visual Basic Application programming, roughly the equivalent of 2/3 of a human’s functioning frontal cortex, a variety of “skins,” and Wi-Fi so she can walk around the office. Without a doubt this is one of the most unique decision support systems currently in development.

“The chart displays are really remarkable,” said Brandon Chen, one of Lexci’s language recognition engineers. “The guys who worked on the holographics did a really bang-up job. Semi-opaque holographs are the future, I’m telling you.”  Lexci’s charts are portable up to a radius of about 17 feet. After that the wireless tether to the hybrid becomes unstable. “That’s something we’re looking forward to improving,” Chen explained.

Lexci has had a few bugs so far. One that the team roundly acknowledges is that Lexci has been having trouble mounting a few macros that Excel users are accustomed to. Additionally, Lexci’s new file designation, “.xlexci” is not compatible with many open source programs and versions of Excel that don’t have the 2030 iPatch.

The Artificial Intelligence Collective approved HeunStar to begin beta testing the product. Lexci prototypes are currently installed in Google HQ, AOL-Disney Conglomerate HQ, and the Research and Development branch of Mercutio Programming which is a subsidiary of Orion Global Broadcasting.

Neue Horizonte

Heidi Meur, director of the Manhattan Art Council and one of New York’s most elite socialites has proclaimed that there should be no more recycled ideas in the Big Apple art scene.

“Artists drawing on the same stuff all the time!  Bo-ring!” she sang to the amusement of gathered New York notables who began clapping and cheering. “I mean, come on! Colors, lines, the human form. Let’s try something else for a change, shall we?” The meeting was held in the Trinity Jackson room in Rockefeller center and catered by Divine Olives Eatery. “How are we to inspire youth?” she continued. “Inspiring youth should be our main focus. Absolutely.”

Meur’s comments have been controversial at best. Award-winning journalist Melissa Guerelle published on the subject in her Hereticker column saying, “Meur has finally lost her marbles. It is now an undeniable fact that the only things whizzing around inside that honeycomb of a hairdo are –in fact– bees. I can only hope that this latest mania from Director Meur will be ineffable warning to anyone in this city who is considering a neopost-modernist German to be in charge of anything.”

New York art students, however seem to be in favor of Meur’s plan. Ryan Friar, a fifth year creative writing major at The New School, is one of them.

“Who needs to see Romeo and Juliet or The Cherry Orchard fifteen times?” He told The Jurinal. “Helloo we have all seen it and written papers on it. We need new things that have nothing but pizazz. Yeah, in fact, that’s an idea I’m going to announce right now. Pizzaz-only theater. No content. Just spectacular. I’m copywriting that. Don’t steal it.”

Professor Victor Heopper is also a fervent proponent of Meur’s idea. Defending her, he wrote on his own personal blog, “Stop thinking about it so much and just do the first thing that comes to mind!! Who needs influences when you have totally free expression!!!”

Play-Dieting Toy Recalled

Flischer-Pice is recalling a product for children they just released this past summer. The “Diet Like a Grown-Up!” has incited massive outrage from progressive children’s groups calling the product, “ethically unconscionable”

“Diet Like a Grown Up” is a package of checklists, fashion tips, edible chalks that are zero calories, and a slim volume of nutritional information. The product is supposed to be for children of both genders but is geared more towards girls.

“We thought it would be nice to teach young girls about nutrition,” said spokesman Tammy Alonso. “We still think the product has potential but clearly we need think about it differently.”

RayonToys had a similar product in the pipeline but has since scratched manufacturing on, “Skinny Princess.”