The Baylor County Navigator’s Phone Book

Very few of the people included in the 2011 Baylor County Navigator’s Phone Book are pilots or guides of any sort. The designation of “Navigator” in the title is a holdover from the circular’s former identity as a bulletin for gold rushers first arriving in Baylor county on their way up to Klondike in Alaska at the turn of the century. The Baylor County Navigator’s Phone Book’s pre-cursor was published in 1899 and it was called Navigators and Guides. It cost 50 cents at the time.

Navigators and Guides was a booklet of advertisements, featuring local men (and a few women) of the land. These companionate adventurers were those both Native to the Americas and those of European extraction who had made Baylor County, WA their homestead some generations back. The book featured pages full of ads of various sizes, and many included drawn images showing  burly, scowling people holding rifles and knives. Some of the ads featured drawings of the sloops intended to take one far away north. Still others beckoned with maps of the North Pacific seaboard, flecked with impressionist trails to destiny.

Each ad contained written descriptions of the skills and expertise of the guides or even a list of the terrible waters and forests they had dared. Payment was usually to be received in the form of shared resources and a large percentage of whatever gold was found.

Navigators and Guides was published twice in 1899. By 1900 the rush was over. The boom towns in Alaska were draining back into the heartland. The foot traffic through Baylor county started to lag and reduce back to its pre-golden era. Many businesses faded away and, indeed, many of those navigators never returned, foisted away by some combination of new wealth, new adventures, or death in the ice.

Navigators and Guides, however, survived and in early 1900, the price of ad space began to decrease. Other inhabitants of Baylor County, perhaps not so brave and hardy but still sensible and hardworking, began using the booklet to market themselves and their trade. Historians with tours to share, widows with pies to sell, a few wilting entertainment houses that would accept gold as tender. Navigators and Guides lingered on into the next century.

Much to everyone’s surprise, by 1924, Navigators and Guides became the hottest publication in the whole state. A new kind of gold rush was already in full swing and Baylor county soon began to notice a tired string of flappers and yuppies escaping Los Angeles, looking for some peace and quiet in the countryside. To the delight of the city folk, anything vaguely cultural there was to do in this speck of a town could be found in a delightfully unadorned journal with the silliest name anyone could have thought up: Navigators and Guides. Indeed, the advertisements themselves were so earnest in their language that many of these city folk would cut them out and stage dramatic readings in their little apartments, slurping up the last of their wine glasses.

By 1928 it was fashionable to take out an ad for practically anything. The sillier, the better. At its most obscene, Navigators and Guides took on a Dadaist orientation, full to brimming with contradictory notices, lascivious invitations, and the printed horrified pleading of locals to please respect the circular and not take out ads unless they were for serious businesses. Sales soared. The publishers hardly knew what to do.

In the end, it all worked out quite nicely. The market crashed and most of the obnoxious upstarts were soon unable to afford space in Navigators and Guides unless it was to hawk a few pieces of costume jewelry or a satin dress. The publishers ultimately donated their excess fortunes to a children’s fund down in St. Paul and the whole town returned to a beleaguered status quo.

It was then that Navigators and Guides began to change. Church meetings were advertised in its pages. Proclamations of goodwill  and announcements for free food and clothing began to appear, usually anonymously or signed by the publishers themselves. The back of the circular became an index of charitable and relief organizations.

In the following decades, Navigators and Guides saw a diverse spectacle of customers. The thing that is notable to us, however, is the growth of its index section, essentially constituting what a modern reader would recognize easily as a “White Pages,” except without phone numbers, as the idea hadn’t been invented yet. But when Alexander Graham did finally get to work on his long distance communications machine, and started selling it to you and me and everyone we know, well. It almost goes without saying that Navigators and Guides became the world’s first and oldest phone book.

World’s First Phone Book is, incidentally, the catch phrase on the front cover of Baylor County Navigator’s Phone Book. The logo features a gold nugget and a pick ax.

Johns Hopkins is Pretty Dumb

Dear Vivian,

WOWOWW I think a lot of those are really good schools anyway! Johns Hopkins is pretty dumb for not accepting you because it seems like you’re really smart and are also in every club known to mankind!!!!! I bet you’ll like whichever one you pick. I haven’t even started THINKING about college yet. I think my mom would want me to stay closer to home than Wisconsin because my brother really looks up to me. Like last night I made a pile of spaghetti into the replica of the tower of pisa and then he did it too. But then he smashed both of our towers with his hand which was super funny. But then we got tomato sauce everywhere and dude my mom was maaaaaaaaaad.

Do you think we have time to solve one more mystery before you go away forever?

– Hector / Grape Juice

Vivian Didn’t Get Accepted to Johns Hopkins

Dear Hector,

You really don’t need to thank me. When I read that he peed on you I didn’t care about the mystery anymore. That’s just WRONG to do to people. Not to mention completely gross.

I got into Vassar, Rutgers, University of Wisconsin and a few others. I don’t know which one I’m going to yet because honestly I didn’t get into Johns Hopkins which was my favorite and also now my mom can’t stop reminding me that that was THE BEST PROGRAM and that I DIDN’T GET IN. Ugh. Whatever. I’m leaving her forever soon. I don’t even really care about medical school.

It’s funny knowing who you actually are now. I think we had gym the same period last year.

 

-Vivian

Hector (Code Name: Grape Juice)

Hey Vivian,

Hopefully you will get this note and it won’t get grabbed up by someone in between. I just wanted to say thanks for turning over the detective logs to the principal. You were right. That was the right thing to do. I was really freaked out about it because I thought Billy would know it was me and come after me. You know he used to carry a switch blade around, right?

Now that he’s gone and he doesn’t know it was us I feel way better.  Like a million times better. Like I can’t even pay attention in math class better.

It was really fun being a detective with you but I know you’re going away to college soon. Where did you get in? You don’t have to tell me if that’s weird or something. Anyway, thanks for being cool about all of this and me getting peed on and everything hahaha.

Seeeeeee you around,

– Hector (aka GRAPE JUICE!!!)

Are you going to the dance?

Dear Christopher, 
I have a crush on you.  
Love, 
Sammy

Dear Christopher, 
I like you. Do you like m
Love, 
Sammy

Dear Christopher, 
Do you want to go to the dance wit

Dear Christopher,
Valentine’s Day is so stupid.
Love,
Sammy

Sammy–
I don’t know. It’s okay. Are you going to the dance?
–Christopher

Dear Christopher,
I don’t know. Why?
Love,
Sammy

Sammy–
I thought we could go

Sammy–
Just curious.
–Christopher

Trina Fenton is Trouble

Dear Christopher,
Did I see you smoking with Trina Fenton on the soccer fields?
Love,
Sammy

 

Sammy —
Yeah kinda.
–Christopher

Dear Christopher,
You shouldn’t do that. She’s trouble. Besides, smoking is bad for you.
Love,
Sammy

Sammy —
K. Sorry.
— Christopher

Grape Juice’s locker combination

Vivian,

Holy gobstoppers, batman! This guy isn’t fooling around! What could it mean? Maybe it’s in code? Maybe it’s like a metaphor? Have you read The Da Vinci Code? I thought it was okay but I liked the movie better. NICHOLAS CAGE IS THE MAN!

Okay right. Back to detective work. I have another notebook too, I guess. It has spiderman on it because it’s my younger brother’s. I don’t think he’d mind if we used it to solve mysteries. But maybe two notebooks is too many? I think my mom has a magnifying glass?

I have an idea of where we can keep the moleskin detective book. What if I give you my locker combination and you give me yours and we just pass it back and forth as necessary? My locker number is 1681 and the combo is 33-22-59.

This message will self destruct in 1 minute!!!!!!!!
-Grape Juice

Vivian says it’s “URGENT”

~*~*~*URGENT*~*~*~

Dear Grape Juice,

I got another clue from “G” today! I left it in the desk this time so you can read it too.

How GROSS is this? I wish I had kept the other two notes so I could show you but basically all you need to know at this point is that they are really weird. I think we need to team up IMMEDIATELY to try and figure out who this character is! I have already offered up my moleskin notebook that I got for my birthday. What detective tools/resources do you have?

RESPOND SOON,
Vivian

Hungry dogs

We are heading north. The dogs are no longer fresh but they continue to stave off exhaustion. We are more than half way and there is still meat for them. They relish it. They look at me as they eat it, nodes of flesh sticking in their teeth and devotion hanging in their jaw. Their drooling is a fair indicator of their mental states. A healthy expectorate from a dog indicates hunger, yes, but also that the digestive system is healthy and not ravenous. The stomach exudes ropes of desirous salivas because it expects food and anticipates digestion. A starving dog does not drool. Not expecting food, he hunts and eats without the attendant assistance of anticipatory glands. Starvation turns the dog into a devil.
– G

Mrs. Ramsey’s antlers

Dear Christopher,
I’m bored.
Love,
Sammy

Sammy–
I know. This class sucks. Sometimes I just try to imagine that Mrs. Ramsey has antlers.
–Christopher

Dear Christopher,
A booger literally shot out of my nose when I read that. Can you see it? It is right by Crystal Morgan’s sneaker.
Love,
Sammy

p.s. You should draw that.

Sammy–
Nice.
–Christopher

p-s– alright. I’m on it.

Vivian and Grape Juice team up

Dear G & Grape Juice,

@ Grape Juice. Who says I’m uptight? I’m not uptight! Sorry I called you Grape Juice if you didn’t want to be called Grape Juice but you should keep in mind that teasing other people will often get you stuck with a nickname you don’t like.

Anyway, I would love some help trying to figure out who this “G” character is. I was something of a super sleuth last summer at our villa in Portugal. There was a mysterious dog who kept bringing us other people’s toys. Anyway, it’s a long story but I figured it all out.

Good observation about when this person is leaving the notes! You know, I have an extra moleskin notebook in my backpack that I carry around for no reason. Maybe we could turn that into out detective journal? I don’t want to leave it in the desk, though. Other people might steal it because it’s a moleskin and they are very desirable. What period do you have gym or lunch? I could find you then, maybe?

@ G. Come on! Give us a hint! Also, you never answered my question why you were leaving those weird notes. Who were they for? Why haven’t you written any in a while. Is that a clue?

Grape Juice, private eye

Dear Vivian,

First of all, I didn’t call myself Grape Juice. YOU called me Grape Juice. Also, I’m not rude just because I wrote your name a zillion times on a piece of paper and then included the word “grape juice.” I was just bored in class, alright? Cool it. If this is the Vivian I think it is you should know that some people say that you are uptight but I didn’t think so until right now. You should try to work on that. I always thought you were pretty okay.

So apparently we sit in the same seat in this classroom. Kinda cool, right? And so does this “G” person though I’ve never seen any of the notes they leave. That should mean something logically, right? Like G sits here after me but before you? Is that right? I’m really bad at math stuff. Maybe I can help you figure out who it is? We could be like detectives and shit.

Anyway, I like having this code name.

-Grape Juice

Shut up, grape juice.

Dear G and Grape Juice,

@ G: Ugh, this is really annoying. Apparently there is some third person reading these. He calls himself “Grape Juice.” I’m assuming it’s a boy because he’s so rude. G, why would you put letters in a desk when you KNOW people change class rooms every period?! At least, I don’t think you and Grape Juice are the same person. You have really different handwriting which I guess people can fake but I am willing to trust you so far.

Are you a guy or a girl? I really want to know who this is! Why do you keep leaving letters in my desk? And why are they so weird?

@ Grape Juice: Shut up and stop reading these. They are private.

With Sincerity
-Vivian

Does your mom like lilies?

Sammy–

Can I borrow your red sharpie between 7th and 8th period? I’ll explain later. Also are you wearing one of your mom’s shirts today? I’m pretty sure I’ve seen her wearing it before at your house. It looks really nice on you. Kinda girly but in a good way.

I don’t know what your mom did but Billy Braddish called my house last night and apologized. I laughed until I was crying. I’m going to hug your mom or pick her flowers from the lot behind the car repair. Lilies grow there for some reason. Do you know if your mom likes lilies?

–Christopher

Dear Christopher,

Here’s the sharpie. How do you know they’re lilies?

Love,
Sammy

Sammy —

They had lilies at my mom’s funeral so I know what they look like.

— Christopher

$4.50 for Billy Braddish

Dear Sammy–

Can you loan me $4.50? I owe that asshole Billy Braddish $25 but I am short. If I don’t pay him by 4th period today he says he’s going to try and kill your cat. Sorry. I’ll explain more at your house tonight. Am I still invited?

–Christopher

p-s — If he does actually try to kill your cat I will not let him. I’d rather have bruises everywhere than see Taylor dead. Sorry again. He just knows that you’re my friend.

p-p-s — thanks for being my friend.

You should do something crazy so people will be scared of you.

Dear Christopher,
What happened to your hair?
Love,
Sammy

Sammy–
We ran into Billy Braddish and his toads in the woods behind Foster’s ice cream. They cut it off with his switch knife.
–Christopher

Dear Christopher,
I’m sorry.
Love,
Sammy

Sammy–
It’s okay. I think I look cooler this way. Maybe now people will think I’m crazy and be scared of me.
— Christopher

Dear Christopher,
You should do something crazy while you’re hair is still like that. Let’s plan something at my house tonight. I think my mom bought you black graphite pencils because you were so interested in hers. Act surprised.
Love,
Sammy

Dear Christopher,
Sorry. That was all my fault. Mrs. Ramsey is such a bitch. Come over my house tonight. My mom has something for you.
Love,
Sammy

Weird letters in my desk?

Excuse me but who keeps leaving all of these notes in my desk? I sit here during 4th period A.P. Algebra on Mondays, Wednesdays and Thursdays. Does anyone else sitting at this desk read these notes or is it just me?The first one was like from an elementary school student or something?  And the other was someone who didn’t speak English very well complaining about cheezits.

Is this a joke? I’m leaving this note here for you to explain yourself please. Are you also in A.P. classes? Just curious!

Thanks & no hard feelings,

Vivian

Dear, Vivian

Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian

Vivian Vivian Vivian grape juice Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian

Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian

Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian

Vivian Vivian Vivian  I’M  WRITING YOU LETTERS BECAUSE I’M A

SPOOKY GHOST WHO ALSO TAKES A.P. CLASSES!!!!!!!

Vivian:

Those letters are not for you but you can throw them away.

– G

The mans in leather hat has me securely by the balls.

You want I should make more off effert not to eat alll of the cheezits in my pockets but I tell you with full force that this is not of my decision. I am made to eat of the cheezits because a sinister man with leather hat tald me that if he ever findss another cheezits in my jacket pocket he will turn my eyes, blame my head and feed me to his bitchy dog. She is a poodle and I hate this poodle. She is such an asshole if I ever see this poodle without the owner, I will kick her in a place that I hopes to be her uterus. I am going to wikipedia the location of poodle uteruses just so I am preparred.

So thank you for caring so much for my health and sappurting me with my struggle with the cheezits but I have to eat all of the ones in my pocket to avoid destruction. This is not my choise. It is my berden.

Dear Phillip

when you spiled my yogerrt on me it made me feel really bad and it stained my clothes. i wish you hadnt don it becouse i KNOW my mom is going to be sour . i hope you know now how much pae pain you have caused on me with your acktions !! please think back to this very second the nekst next time you see a kid in the lunch room who isnot as cool as you think that you are and you don’t spill his yogerrt on him becouse pepole don’t desserve it.

-FROM MATTHEW