Statistically, the Most Unlikely Letter in the Known Universe


Dear Ms. Stroeger,

My name is Kashi Salaam and I think we both know somebody named Hector Rodriguez. You went to high school with him. You had a nickname for him, “Grape Soda.” He needs your help and so do I.

I am transferring an .if I made of a letter I found in my father’s house as I was getting ready to sell it. It is addressed to you from Mr. Rodriguez. He asserts that he is writing to you from the Goonscape. I assure you that this was just as confusing to me as it must be to you.

I understand that this is probably a very abrupt email but I beg you to take it seriously. My father was Aamer Belkins-Dunjhab. If you know who that is then you also might know that he recently took his own life and I think Hector Rodriguez might know why. I really need your help to reach Mr. Rodriguez. It’s rather complicated so we might need to talk in person. If you think I am a nutcase after an initial meeting then I will not bother you anymore.

Kashi Salaam



Dear Vivian,

I don’t think this message could ever possibly find you but here it is anyway.

My name is Hector Rodriguez. Do you remember me? We knew each other 40 years ago in high school. You used to call me Grape Soda though I can’t remember why. We solved mysteries together. I’ll bet you remember that. There was an upperclassman who was terrorizing students by peeing on them. He peed on me, actually. I remember that you told me to report him to the principal of the school and then he was expelled. I don’t remember his name.

I’m writing to you because I was thinking about the mysteries you and I used to solve I thought how crazy it would be if somehow you found this letter because I am at the center of an amazing mystery. About 14 months ago, I fell through the known universe and into the Goonscape. It has been really bizarre. Kind of exciting too but mostly stressful.

The goonfamily that adopted me has been very kind to me. The goons here know about the known universe because a bunch of things have fallen through over the centuries. But I’m only the third person in history to have fallen through! The first was Amelia Earhardt but she died after she crash landed here in the Goonscape so nobody really knew what to make of her. The second was a really famous professor named Aamer Dunjhab. He taught the goons some languages (including English, thank god). There is a statue of him in a city plaza in Dren Mii (that’s like a big city here). Actually, this Aamer guy is apparently the only person to ever fall BACK into the known universe from the goonscape so I didn’t even get to meet him! Kind of a drag on top of already being trapped in an alternate dimension.

Anyway, I have a lot of free time here. I have a wife back in the known universe. Her name is Sheila. I write her letters like all the time. If you get this, could you tell her that I miss her and that I write her every day? Sheila Rodriguez. She lives on 4679 N. Orchard Blvd in Philadelphia. Well, that’s where we used to live anyway. It’s possible she had to move out by now.

Maybe I’ll write you some more tomorrow. I’m kind of tired now.

Goonscoptic Physics

Goonscoptic Physics is the astrophysical study of the theory of the Goonscape. The field is studied largely by extremist members of Godsbeam who believe in the tenet of pilgrimage*. In 2040, 2 in every 3 goonscoptic physicists was a follower of Godsbeam. The Institute for Goonscoptic Science was founded in 2033 by 14 members of Godsbeam.

* Fringe believers of Godsbeam desire pilgrimage into the Goonscape because it is believed that their holy book, The Broken Soil originated there. Pilgrimage is not an official tenet of Godsbeam and many Pilgrims are excommunicated from the Church.


Murdock Corporation Profile for [SALAAM, KASHI]

Name: Kashi Salaam (born Aakash Belkins-Dunjhab)
Sex: Male
DOB: 7/14/2014
Parents: Aamer Belkins-Dunjhab (Father) –Deceased
Sophie Lorieux (Mother) — Deceased

Permanent Address: Unfixed
Marital Status: Unmarried
Sexual orientation: Heterosexual
Blood Type: AB –
Organ/Blood Donor: Yes/Yes
Dates of Hospitalization: N/A
Purchase orientation: Art:(film),(film-make),(film-theory);Allergic:(dust-pollen-dander), (strawberries);Apparel:(manufac.),(trend);Books:(agriculture),(business),(engineering),(engineering-chemical),(engineering-commercial),(engineering-industrial),(history-french),(history-pakistan),(metaphys-cannon),(metaphys-rudiment),(metaphys-visionaryprairiedog),Movie-(arabic),(drama),(dutch),(foreign),(french),(kungfu),(violent),(videogame)…[click for 50+]
Internet Consumption: Extremely High
Personality orientation:

  • Respects authority
  • Vaccinates
  • Votes Democrat
  • Recycles
  • Loner
  • Claustrophobic
  • Vegetarian – (Pesc./Other)

Watch Level: Elevated
Agent: 89/K302

Profile Detail: Salaam is a career student, incapable of sticking to anything for longer than a year. Intelligent, handsome, insecure, and undergoing psychological treatment for mild Early Adult Orphan Syndrome and depression. No medications. No pets.

Profile last updated 6.1.43
Profile created 10.10.39

Aamer’s Fireplace


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Date: 4/12/43
Location: Linsdale, NY
Mood: sweaty

I was just taking out a few last loads of trash when I ran into a nextdoor neighbor, Jeana. She expressed condolences and corroborated my suspicions that my father had not been taking adequate care of himself for months. She said she wished she had called me. I absolved her of responsibility. I was his son, after all.

Then she told me something funny. She said that even though it’s been incredibly hot (unseasonably so, even for April) she noticed that dad had been using the chimney a lot. And, apparently, just a few nights before his death, he even had a small bonfire in the backyard.

I didn’t find any evidence of a fire in the backyard but when I looked in the fireplace I saw  she was right. It had been freshly used. There were curls of charred paper inside. I picked up a few of the scraps to see what my father had been burning. They appeared to be some kind of legal correspondence. I thought maybe they were related to drafts of his will but then I recognized a Murdock Corp. logo on one of the papers. Definitely odd but then I realized I had to clean the goddamn fireplace too. I want to get away from this house as soon as possible.

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Kashi in His Father’s House


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Date: 4/11/43
Location: Linsdale, NY
Mood: …

I have returned to my father’s house after his suicide. It’s eerie being here. Not just because he’s dead but also because we really didn’t talk much this whole year.

I see now that I was avoiding my father because he was getting so depressed that it scared me. I didn’t want to be around him like that. He seemed so old and frail and sad. I fled to Princeton where I could keep in touch with him by video chat on a “regular basis.” I’m such a fucking coward.

The house has changed a lot since I was last here. All his notes and books, normally organized, are scattered and messy. There was almost no food in the fridge. I threw most of it away. It looks as though he was not taking proper care of himself. I feel ashamed and guilty, responsible in some ways for his suicide. I’m going to stay here for the next two days cleaning and collecting items.

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^anti freak^

everyone thinks the end of the world is coming. it’s true that something terrible is coming. but the worst part about the end of the world is that you’ll probably, most-likely, survive it.

an apocalypse is a congratulatory event. if you exist at the end of the world then we’ve really got to hand it to you. The brave. The doomed. The sanctified. You were the epitome of human accomplishment. At the brink you can look back and understand where the trajectory was headed after all. People who believe in and prepare for EndTimes of any religion are complete egomaniacs. They cannot tolerate how small and unimportant they are. How insignificant their children are. How insignificant their accomplishments are. News flash: you’re a speck on a dollop of lava circling the cosmos noiselessly for no reason whatsoever.

But if it makes you feel better, believe The End is coming. It’s a nice day dream. But when the Thing comes (and believe me, it is coming) I imagine you’re going to have a hard time adjusting to the new status quo since you’re going to be hanging on for dear life, you miserable, puny coward.

^anti freak^

Part II

Dear Reader,

I would first like to thank you for going on this journey with me. I had never been to the future before, nor to the Goonscape. What’s more, I am fairly certain I would never have gone to those places or met the people who live there if you hadn’t come along with me. I am sincerely grateful for your companionship.

I imagine that at times it was a bit tedious having me as your only translator for strange peoples and places so I do apologize for any plot lulls or poorly written sections. We all try to get it right the first time but I know I failed at it at least a few times. In spite of those errors, I have decided to push myself to do more challenging work with this story. I’ve been developing a new avenue for some time now (behind the scenes– although there were little breadcrumbs along the way) and I think it is fitting and appropriate to call it Part II.

Aamer Belkins-Dunjhab Commits Suicide

Yesterday morning at 5:06am, scholar and linguist Aamer Belkins-Dunjhab was pronounced dead in his suburban home in upstate New York. He had slit his wrists in the tub of the master bathroom. The following cryptic message was found at the scene and is believed to be a suicide note. He was 74 years old.

“I see now that I have been a destructive force in the universe.”

Belkins-Dunjhab is survived by his son Aakash, a student of engineering at Princeton University. Aakash is better known as Kashi Salaam and has done some work as an amateur filmmaker.

Johns Hopkins is Pretty Dumb

Dear Vivian,

WOWOWW I think a lot of those are really good schools anyway! Johns Hopkins is pretty dumb for not accepting you because it seems like you’re really smart and are also in every club known to mankind!!!!! I bet you’ll like whichever one you pick. I haven’t even started THINKING about college yet. I think my mom would want me to stay closer to home than Wisconsin because my brother really looks up to me. Like last night I made a pile of spaghetti into the replica of the tower of pisa and then he did it too. But then he smashed both of our towers with his hand which was super funny. But then we got tomato sauce everywhere and dude my mom was maaaaaaaaaad.

Do you think we have time to solve one more mystery before you go away forever?

– Hector / Grape Juice

Vivian Didn’t Get Accepted to Johns Hopkins

Dear Hector,

You really don’t need to thank me. When I read that he peed on you I didn’t care about the mystery anymore. That’s just WRONG to do to people. Not to mention completely gross.

I got into Vassar, Rutgers, University of Wisconsin and a few others. I don’t know which one I’m going to yet because honestly I didn’t get into Johns Hopkins which was my favorite and also now my mom can’t stop reminding me that that was THE BEST PROGRAM and that I DIDN’T GET IN. Ugh. Whatever. I’m leaving her forever soon. I don’t even really care about medical school.

It’s funny knowing who you actually are now. I think we had gym the same period last year.



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Hector (Code Name: Grape Juice)

Hey Vivian,

Hopefully you will get this note and it won’t get grabbed up by someone in between. I just wanted to say thanks for turning over the detective logs to the principal. You were right. That was the right thing to do. I was really freaked out about it because I thought Billy would know it was me and come after me. You know he used to carry a switch blade around, right?

Now that he’s gone and he doesn’t know it was us I feel way better.  Like a million times better. Like I can’t even pay attention in math class better.

It was really fun being a detective with you but I know you’re going away to college soon. Where did you get in? You don’t have to tell me if that’s weird or something. Anyway, thanks for being cool about all of this and me getting peed on and everything hahaha.

Seeeeeee you around,

– Hector (aka GRAPE JUICE!!!)

Are you going to the dance?

Dear Christopher, 
I have a crush on you.  

Dear Christopher, 
I like you. Do you like m

Dear Christopher, 
Do you want to go to the dance wit

Dear Christopher,
Valentine’s Day is so stupid.

I don’t know. It’s okay. Are you going to the dance?

Dear Christopher,
I don’t know. Why?

I thought we could go

Just curious.