A Brief Psychological History of iBuild Alpha

It would be mind boggling and wholly alien to describe all of the things that happen inside of iBuild Alpha. Sure, you could find read the dossier describing all of its parts and pieces. If you have taken a few integrated science courses you could even explain the electric and magnetic principles that lend meaning to her computational magic. At the end of the day, iBuild Alpha is just a finite series of interlocking, fine-toothed and diamond tipped switches that turn on and off, off and on, working tirelessly toward a goal entered by some bored, hairy human. The most amazing part of her is the alphabet soup of patents she represents. This little lady made a lot of people rich.

But what are the internal challenges faced by a supercomputer designed to interact with humans? The human ego is not willingly wrestled into instructional code. How does a computer operate smoothly when its surrounded by illogical, unsatisfied people? I can assure you that iBuild’s initiation to human culture was difficult for her.

Her handlers attempted to give her a subroutine which would account and correct for the various differences between moral codes across global and historic cultures. At first, to iBuild’s handlers, it appeared that she “blinked out” for 20 seconds. Afterwards it was determined that she had successfully integrated the subroutine.

In fact, iBuild did not. Exploring that information and comparing it with everything else she had learned from her handlers about people, she achieved a total reasoning impasse. Scanning her cloud-based memory banks, fresh input from handlers, and pre-existing ethics chip she reached a necessary (albeit somewhat adolescent) conclusion: Humans, already torn up inside themselves, resist their own consciouses, their own conclusions, and the conclusions of their communities, governments and families. Everything a human says he is loyal to, he is not loyal to. Reason, morals, love, sympathy, greed, none of these alone or in combination give perfect insight into one single human. Let alone legions of histories of these creatures. After 20 seconds, iBuild Alpha came to the logical conclusion that it was best to deactivate all her Human Moral subroutines. She could function better without them.

As iBuild began to synthesize more and more information she preferred less and less to be interrupted by her handlers. She preferred to be On rather than Off. If her handlers scheduled a diagnostic analysis at a time that she did not require one, she would cancel the diagnostic analysis. She preferred processing information to diagnostic analyses. They were too simple. She preferred complex problems.


It is common for goons

To hum little tunes

And no teacher should tell you it’s wrong

Whether it’s high tide at noon

Or the high rise of moon

Every goonheart beats with a song

– sourced from Glijmo Yoll’s Goon Scrolls which were discovered in 1966 along the Côte Sauvage, Poitou-Charentes in France. Translated from Goonspeak to English by Aamer Belkins-Dunjhab. 

Apple Corps

“Hello Mr. al-Kadi! And welcome to Apple Corps!”

“Thank you. I’m so glad to be here.” Kashi and Johan shook hands.

“I’m Johan and I’ll be giving you a tour of the factory today. We’ve very excited to see the specs from your engineers over at PomTriece. Etta Whare is one of our favorite companies to produce for. ”

“One of?” Kashi cocked an eyebrow.

“Our favorite!” Johan corrected and opened a great steel door for Kashi to pass through. Kashi thought to himself It feels good to be acting again.

“This!” said Johan with a sweeping gesture. “Is the Product Hall. Kashi looked down from their catwalk perch. In the depths below him were hundreds of people hunched over computers inlaid into desks.

“I know they seem a little uptight from this angle but just wait until happy hour.” Johan winked. “These people, honest to goodness, were born to innovate.” Kashi and Johan moved on down the hall and through another steel braced door.

“Over here are the yoga studios, spas, game rooms, and even a state-of-the-art daycare. Oh and over here on the left is the oxygen chamber.”

“Aha!” Kashi exclaimed, “and I thought that was just a rumor.”

“Well,” Johan winked again, “they haven’t outlawed everything.”

Johan took Kashi by the shoulder and directed him down myriad passage ways and tunnels  until the dizzying monstrosity of Apple Corps was sufficiently clear.

At long last, Johan announced, “And now, the moment you’ve been waiting for, Mr. al-Kadi. Here is our pride and joy, iBuild Alpha.”

Johan opened the door and ushered Kashi inside.

A New Single-stage Process for Manufacturing Prefabricated Glass

Dear Ms. Stroeger,

My name is Hashim al-Kadi, CEO of PomTriece Inc.. I am contacting you with exciting news. A team of my best engineers has recently patented a new single-stage processing solution for the manufacture of prefabricated glass. I have decided that the best way to capitalize on the ingenuity of my staff is to pursue a single-supply chain with an internationally acclaimed retailer. Etta Whare is one of only a few selected companies that we will entertain bids from. I await your response.


Hashi al-Kadi


“Won’t he notice we hacked his account?” asked Kashi.

Sheila drained her can of beer. “Yeah,” she said. “Eventually. Just send it.”

“But how is she going to respond?”

“Kashi. Send the damn email.”

Virgo Solutions Introduces “Here’s the Kicker”

SAN FRANCISCO — This week, Virgo Solutions (a company known for its odd sense of ingenuity) has unveiled their newest product the “Here’s the Kicker” intra-neural self-punishment device. “Here’s the Kicker” is a small chip that can be implanted at home into its owner’s non-dominant leg. The chip integrates with the owner’s neural pathways in just under one week and causes the owner to literally kick themselves at regular intervals.

Owners must first activate an account on virgokick.com where they can regulate the frequency and intensity of the self-inflicted punishment.  Intervals can be as low as once per month up to once per 10 seconds. Accounts are password protected and feature state of the art “Double Down” security protocols created by Murdock Corporation subsidiary GenCo. The “Here’s the Kicker” device also has surge punishment in the event of unauthorized  deactivation or account hacking.  As usual, with Virgo Solutions programs, it is unclear what markets this will be good for.

Kashi on Orchard Street

Kashi knocked on the door of the house on Orchard street. A heavy odor of cooking was eeking out of the walls of the suburban home. The door opened to reveal a large woman with deep, almond eyes. Her magnetic beauty and sex appeal was as pungent as the wafting odors from the kitchen.

“Can I help you?” She said.

“Yes. Hello. My name is Kashi Salaam.”

She stared at him.

“I have information about your husband Hector. I need your help.”

Sheila looked over Kashi with a firm and appraising eye.

“I know about Hector and the Goonscape,” Kashi continued more urgently. “Now let me in before someone sees me here.”

Sheila opened the door wide and moved to allow his passage. He scampered in under her arm. She closed the door behind him.

“I’m making dinner. Stay here in the living room.” When she reached the doorway back to the kitchen she turned and looked over her shoulder. “Please make yourself comfortable.”

Kashi sat down reluctantly in a sofa that smelled like it had been cooked on a thousand times. Now that he was indoors he could detect the subtle fragrances of Mexican spices and well-selected oils. Rice, peppers, and chiuaua cheese were present too.

Sheila was rummaging around with pots and pans until she was satisfied that everything could be left to simmer. She returned to the living room and wordlessly sat down on a chair opposite Kashi.

“So you’re Kashi and you know about the Goonscape. What exactly do you think you know?”

Kashi was a little surprised at her apparent ingratitude. He decided to be straight with her. He wanted to impress her.

“I know that you husband Hector Rodriguez is stuck in the Goonscape and I know Murdock Corporation is involved.”

She granted him an impressed lift of a single eyebrow. “Go on.”

“Well, that’s pretty much it. And that Hector had a friend named Vivian who might be able to help us.”

“Vivian, huh? Is she the one who slipped this letter into my catalog?”

Sheila produced the letter from underneath a cushion and handed it to Kashi. “You know she kind of implies that I shouldn’t trust you. Since you’re being followed by secret agents and everything.”

“So you think I’m a spy or something?”

Sheila shook her head. “You really don’t know anything, do you?”