Category: Speculative News Network

Brought to you by Virgo Solutions and Toledo Media Corp.

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Plato’s Allegory of the 24-Hour News Cycle

Truisms and tales go flickering by on my jumbo size, wall mounted, oracle. Sphinxes,in full make up, purring at me with delicious, come hither eyes and advertise The Way to a better life. Drop in, drop out, stream what you need. The gods are on television 24 hours a day.

Convenient hot pockets of history. I can enjoy them while remaining ensconced on my discount couch that was made 7 time zones away from here. My throne in the petite kingdom of my living room. I understand everything. I’ve seen it all. I know what will happen tomorrow because I am an American. But how can I explain all this to the non-believers? That their fears and hopes are misplaced?

How can I force the others to sit here and see
the big Make Sense world that makes sense to me
the Fast Forward pace that perpetually runs
on my big TV screen that blocks out the sun

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Five Cats

GRAND RAPIDS, MI – Five cats remain stuck up a tree just north of Webster street with townspeople at their wit’s fraying end wondering what to do about it.

The Grand Rapids police have claimed that it is the fire department’s responsibility to retrieve cats from municipal trees and have refused to take part in a rescue operation. The fire department, however, maintains that due to the sheer number of cats in the tree, there is evidence of a criminal behavior and will not interfere with a crime scene until evidence has been collected.

A few locals have tried taking the matter into their own hands. Peter Wilson was seen trying to scale the tree and take the cats down one by one but was stopped by vociferous protest from both the county animal shelter and Seventh Romans church. The animal shelter has determined that the cats have become wild and human interference would only destroy their precious, amazing spirit. The church parishioners feel that five cats up a tree must be God’s will.

This article has been translated into 653 viewpoints, 92 languages, and is distributed by 18,094 information carousels. Additions, subtractions and alterations have been made to the text. Speculative News Network not responsible for conclusions drawn from the report. 

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MeggaaCapital

(XANXAR, PI) – At approximately 10:45pm last night, the headquarters of famed and infamous corporation MeggaaCapital collapsed in on itself, leaving a small crater in its place on the northeast end of the industrial plaza.

Evidently, MeggaaCapital had discovered a rich vein of platinum in the underground sediment of the city. The platinum vein was half a kilometer under the surface and MeggaaCapital contracted 3 different mining companies to surreptitiously set up mining and refinery facilities in MeggaCapital’s basement despite the fact that this violated zoning regulations and weakened the infrastructure of surrounding buildings.

“What’s most interesting,” remarked local Xanxari urban planner Jerry Pelagia, “is the crater they left behind is only about three feet deep. They were only able to mine as deep as the building was tall. I wonder if that’s some kind of metaphor.”

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One Hand Clapping

(TOLEDO, OH) The Speculative News Network reports today that the Speculative News Network has exceeded its revenue targets for the third quarter. Since the network’s financial records are not public it is difficult to say if this is accurate reporting or some kind of well wishing that the network is lavishing upon itself.

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Speculative News Network

(TOLEDO, OH) Virgo Solutions has just announced a new pilot project in digital broadcast media, The Speculative News Network (SNN). Based on research from Dr. Robert Glass, founder of the Self-Induced Future theory, Virgo Solutions has created an internet and cable based programming that broadcasts speculative news. We were able to obtain a clip of recorded programming.

The first thing that strikes you about the SNN is that it is plastered over with disclosures. None of the segments are purported to be real or even imminent. Our clip included stories on a type of vegetable that perfectly balances appetite and mood, a global award ceremony that celebrates indoor voices, and a crafting network that teaches one how to crochet your own car.

Public Relations reps from SNN say that early screenings have been popular and they are looking forward to sharing their data once a composite image emerges from the experiment. As usual, with Virgo Solutions, both the use and value of this service are not immediately evident.

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Self-Induced Future

(SAN FRANCISCO) – In June of 2004, Robert Glass presented on his theory of the Self-Induced Future at a conference in Lake Tahoe. Its basic tenets were outright ridiculed and rejected.

For most people, Self-Induced Future (SIF) is a new term and largely unheard of outside of certain fringe philosophical societies. But given recent political upheavals, Dr. Glass has found new markets for his theory which posits that the likelihood of future events occurring is highly correlated to the degree of dread the event’s potentiality induces.

“Using dread as a metric can be somewhat tricky,” Dr. Glass explained in his Lake Tahoe lecture. “There are all different types of dread. I have spent my research looking into published and media evidence of dread, that is to say, mostly the 24 hour news cycle.”

Dr. Glass has identified 6 core definitions of SIF-related dread. They include titles such as, “Forecasted Mania,” “Blovial Trivialization,” and “Virtual Shrill.” Overall, his theory supports the idea that the more people talk about something, the more likely it is to occur, even if nobody wants it to happen.

Dr. Glass has partnered with several Silicon Valley based initiatives to work on incorporating this idea into online tools and publishing.