High Fidelity Castro: Dim Son

Word bombs to the hip hoppers! Have you guys heard this crazy shit about Dim Son?

Hip hop artist Dim Son  has had his face permanently blurred  and voice distorted through surgery. He says it’s to get “the ultimate usage out of his beatboxing” and to further his reputation for being “one hardcore mother fucker.”  — Scuzz Feed

Can you believe this! I expect a bunch of K-Rappers will follow this in typical poser style. I cannot WAIT to hear his new album with this new crazy voice. Though you gotta wonder if his supermodel girlfriend is going to be pissed that he blurred out his face? And we all thought Lady Gaga’s evil-eye in her palm was wack!

Dim Son Bio (in case you’re just tuning in!): Originally from Ganzhou in the Jiangxi Province, Dim Son is probably the tightest XipXopper and Showa’ Chang (slang for Shuochang) scene. Dim Son has been charting ever since the release of his debut album Home Away from Home in 2018. Since then he’s released, an album every year: Chinatown World (2019), Communisn’t (2020), Autumn Leaflets (2021), and his two singles and Manufaxxored and Bamboo Shoots Bamboo Shots each went Gold-Platinum. He even started a new label called The Lab’s Rats that styles itself as even more hardcore, underground version of The Lab label, which currently dominates the alternative scene in China.


Don’t forget to tune into Luscious 102.4 FM Thursdays @ 4pm for more music and Yours Truly, High Fidelity Castro.

Vivian says it’s “URGENT”


Dear Grape Juice,

I got another clue from “G” today! I left it in the desk this time so you can read it too.

How GROSS is this? I wish I had kept the other two notes so I could show you but basically all you need to know at this point is that they are really weird. I think we need to team up IMMEDIATELY to try and figure out who this character is! I have already offered up my moleskin notebook that I got for my birthday. What detective tools/resources do you have?


Hungry dogs

We are heading north. The dogs are no longer fresh but they continue to stave off exhaustion. We are more than half way and there is still meat for them. They relish it. They look at me as they eat it, nodes of flesh sticking in their teeth and devotion hanging in their jaw. Their drooling is a fair indicator of their mental states. A healthy expectorate from a dog indicates hunger, yes, but also that the digestive system is healthy and not ravenous. The stomach exudes ropes of desirous salivas because it expects food and anticipates digestion. A starving dog does not drool. Not expecting food, he hunts and eats without the attendant assistance of anticipatory glands. Starvation turns the dog into a devil.
– G

Liquid Burger Closing Nationwide

Gerald Kelura, President and founder of Liquid Burger has announced that he will be shutting the doors of all Liquid Burgers nationwide in these next few weeks. He also issued a formal apology reprinted here courtesy of GoBoingo Biz Feed:

To All our Investors, Employees and loyal customers, I want to extend my sincere thanks and gratitude. You believed in Liquid Burger and you loved, lived and believed in Liquid Burger. But I let you down. As I’m sure many of you know by now, while the Food and Drug Administration approved our recipes and we were fully in compliance with federal health codes, Liquid Burgers are not a good product. They cause obesity, they’re terrible for your heart, and they affect the neurological development of children. And let’s just face it guys, the product I invented makes people lazy.

I got into this business 10 years ago for two reasons. The first was that I love fast food. Always have and always will. The second though, was to make money. And I see now that money isn’t everything. Money can’t buy health. Money can’t buy a generation of ingenuity or innovation. I have damaged our nation’s youth with my product. I have hurt America with my greed and nearsightedness.

But I’m man enough to admit it. Or at least, I’m striving to be. I’ve looked deep into my heart and I want to fix my legacy. That’s why I’m tearing down the walls I alone constructed. I expect no one else to shoulder this responsibility and burden. I am taking the millions of dollars I have earned from this enterprise to invest in charter schools all over this great nation. I am making sure that they have nutrition in the curriculum. You know, thousands of years ago, man hunted for food. These days, food hunts us. People need protection from bad food. They need protection from bad business practices. I have seen the light and I am not afraid to change my ways.

Thank you and God bless America.

Mr. Kelura declined comment on the dozens of pending law suits against Liquid Burger and its affiliates.

Visionary Prairie Dog: Mourning Soup

Today at 5:29am, Visionary Prairie Dog tweeted:

“Mourning soup welcomes. Give over your spacious left ! overs understand understand under?stand. Messy with g>(reat big balls of firestorm. Necessary gl&ib et al,”

High Priest Reverend Barkley interpretes:

A good meal shall be shared with those less fortunate. One must help the needy to promote peace in our corporeal world. Do not boast of your charity.

A complete reprint of his holiness’s morning lecture and other interpretations of VPD  tweets can be found on the Visionary Prairie Dog Theology Center Feed.

SKIMposium with Nina Harlow at June Bug Salon

Tonight only! You are invited to a SKIMposium with Nina Harlow, aesthetician and beauty expert. She will be debuting her amazing new technique for shedding those last few pesky pounds! She calls it Skim-Posing (c)!

Skim-Posing (c) is an adipose-skimming injection that Harlow developed with fellow aesthetician Brandon Meece. Combined they have over 15 years of research experience and trade professionalism. Harlow will be taking questions and giving free demonstrations. Participants must be at least 16 years of age or have parental consent.

There will be bubbly and snacks. See you there, beautiful ladies!
Ms. Miranda
June Bug Salon President

The Oracle

‘The Oracle’ is the nickname given to the blog Sweaty Pony Weekly Check-Ups written in 2012 by Patricia Swiss and Nancy Nataglia. It ran from September 2012 to December 2017, updating bi-weekly. The content of The Oracle was a melange of satirical postings on topics including news from the future, celebrity gossip and a famous spread on 50 incidents of undiscovered buried treasure. The Oracle became noteworthy when one of its posts describing the death of environmentalist Sean Morris became one of the top three search results a few hours after Morris’s actual death on October 9, 2030. Many of the details in the fictitious post mirrored details from police and coroner’s reports.

The Oracle also predicted the invention of toe ball, vulcanized drum sets, and the destruction of the Hallmark Greeting Card corporate headquarters in Kansas City, MO by a meteor.

Sweaty Pony Weekly Check-Ups ceased updating after co-author Nataglia died in a car accident in 2017. She never lived to see any of the postings take on prognostic significance.

Swiss went on to write for Saturday Night Live and a hit television show called The Barracks. She also published a slim volume of poetry in 2039 called Figs: A cycle of poetry on child rearing. As of this re-issuing of World Glossary in 2041, none of Swiss’s later writings predicted events in the future whereas 17% of the posting from Sweaty Pony Weekly Check-Ups describe, in detail, events that have happened in the relative-future.

Meaning and Speculation

Reaction to The Oracle has been vociferous. This is a guide to some of the more popular theories.

Literary Cryptology:  A coterie of Literary Cryptologists at Cornell University have published on the idea that Nataglia and Swiss did, in fact, predict the future. They hypothesize that this was only possible for them as a team and Nataglia’s death ended their powers of prediction.

Nuclear Physics, Nano-Psychology and Izzle-Accusation Theory:  Prominent individuals from each of these three fields have expressed belief that Nancy Nataglia was influenced by izzles. This presupposes the notion that izzles create the future or know the future. Further discussion of izzle knowledge is treated in my book, Interpreting and Interpolating Izzles published by Pelican-Sweeney.

Visionary Prairie Dog: Worshipers of the Visionary Prairie Dog are perhaps the single most opinionated group on the subject of The Oracle because of its implicit rivalry with the VPD Twitter Feed. They are summarized as follows:

1.  The Oracle was actually a node of  trans-temporal backwash, and not written by the two women at all.
2. The Oracle was written in the future but was programmed to update in the past.
3. Nancy Nataglia was a time traveler visiting Swiss from the future.

Artificial Intelligence and other Skeptic luminaries: Skeptics and members of the A.I. Collective claim that the close resemblance between these postings and real life events is pure coincidence. Alan Rickman, a leading Skeptic writer, said of the The Oracle “[It] is irrefutable proof that when it comes to monkey-and-typewriting technology, bloggers of the 21st century were peerless innovators.”

Mrs. Ramsey’s antlers

Dear Christopher,
I’m bored.

I know. This class sucks. Sometimes I just try to imagine that Mrs. Ramsey has antlers.

Dear Christopher,
A booger literally shot out of my nose when I read that. Can you see it? It is right by Crystal Morgan’s sneaker.

p.s. You should draw that.


p-s– alright. I’m on it.

Goonberry pies

Goonberry pies

Don’t taste very nice

If you like pastries that are fruity or sweet

They’re made with a spice

That can only entice

Goonuncles who eat with their feet

But when goonmother makes

Yucky goonberry cakes

Be a well-behaved, foul little brat

Find something that slakes

And fight your siblings for takes

Maybe next course will be roasted rat!

Translator’s notes: Goonberry cakes and pies are common dishes served during the Goon holiday of Blibberderth which is approximately the first week after spring begins. It celebrates flowers and fertility. Goonberries themselves are sour and sticky and, stereo-typically  goonchildren will not eat them. 

– sourced from Glijmo Yoll’s Goon Scrolls which were discovered in 1966 along the Côte Sauvage, Poitou-Charentes in France. Translated from Goonspeak to English by Aamer Belkins-Dunjhab. 

Vivian and Grape Juice team up

Dear G & Grape Juice,

@ Grape Juice. Who says I’m uptight? I’m not uptight! Sorry I called you Grape Juice if you didn’t want to be called Grape Juice but you should keep in mind that teasing other people will often get you stuck with a nickname you don’t like.

Anyway, I would love some help trying to figure out who this “G” character is. I was something of a super sleuth last summer at our villa in Portugal. There was a mysterious dog who kept bringing us other people’s toys. Anyway, it’s a long story but I figured it all out.

Good observation about when this person is leaving the notes! You know, I have an extra moleskin notebook in my backpack that I carry around for no reason. Maybe we could turn that into out detective journal? I don’t want to leave it in the desk, though. Other people might steal it because it’s a moleskin and they are very desirable. What period do you have gym or lunch? I could find you then, maybe?

@ G. Come on! Give us a hint! Also, you never answered my question why you were leaving those weird notes. Who were they for? Why haven’t you written any in a while. Is that a clue?

God’s Beam

God’s Beam is a religious cult founded by Jeff Goldblum and his nurse Marist Libby toward the end of Goldblum’s life. Followers of God’s Beam refer to themselves as “rays of light.”

God’s Beam teaches that Goldblum was a prophet whose religious genius was never  awakened. Because his divinity remained untapped at the time of his death, Goldblum’s soul is an enormous positive energy that is heading toward the “God Spot” at the center of the universe where all souls come to rest. However, the “God Spot” is a place of  negative energy and when the prophet’s soul reaches this place,  it will combine unfavorably with the negative forces of oblivion, unleashing a neutralizing wave that will destroy the universe on 9.20.11073.

Followers of God’s Beam presuppose a coming destruction  by neutralization and therefore all rays of light are expected to condition their souls with neutralizing ablutions so that they might survive the Destroyer Wave when it emanates back from the God Spot. The following are descriptions of the three major pillars of God’s Beam:

1. Oral Hygiene: One of the chief concerns of rays of light. The mouth is seen as a place of both immeasurable good and evil. Therefore, keeping it clean is neutralizing.

2. Shifting Good Deeds: Rays of light do not perform good deeds for other rays of light unless it is to counteract a bad deed. It is encouraged, however, to render good deeds unto non-believers since they are predisposed to having negative energies.

3. Avoiding Extreme Temperatures: This goes for food, climes or locations, and bathing. Physical exertion is cited  as an exception.

From the outset, the Goldblum family and estate have sought to distance themselves from God’s Beam, claiming that Libby took advantage of the actor in his old age. The family successfully brought civil suit against Libby and the GB church in 2039 to recover $485,000 that had been allocated to them in Goldblum’s will.

Grape Juice, private eye

Dear Vivian,

First of all, I didn’t call myself Grape Juice. YOU called me Grape Juice. Also, I’m not rude just because I wrote your name a zillion times on a piece of paper and then included the word “grape juice.” I was just bored in class, alright? Cool it. If this is the Vivian I think it is you should know that some people say that you are uptight but I didn’t think so until right now. You should try to work on that. I always thought you were pretty okay.

So apparently we sit in the same seat in this classroom. Kinda cool, right? And so does this “G” person though I’ve never seen any of the notes they leave. That should mean something logically, right? Like G sits here after me but before you? Is that right? I’m really bad at math stuff. Maybe I can help you figure out who it is? We could be like detectives and shit.

Anyway, I like having this code name.

-Grape Juice

The Origin of Dark Matter

Dark matter, which fills 94% of this universe, is the waste produced by multi-cellular, anaerobic “Polluter” organisms that existed approximately 700 billion years ago. Each Polluter was comprised of 5 specialized cells and a single, flat flagella that was used like a solar sail to pilot through the vastness of space. These creatures evolved with the ability to consume practically everything that they came into contact with and convert it into energy.

Based on the total mass of dark matter in the universe (correcting for the rate at which the universe expands and the reproductive rate of these Polluter organisms) it is believed that this highly successful species existed for about 300 years at which point they became totally extinct over a very short period of time due to lack of food.

missing stepping stool

my stepping stool has been stolen
please return it
my grandmother left it to me
in her will

it is inlaid with pearl and jade in a design like a checkerboard. i can’t reach the bulletin board without it. someone else had to tack this up for me.

XXX- 789 – 1545

Book Signing this Wednesday at Mimi’s Bookstore

This Wednesday at 5:30 Bruce Millard will be reading selections from his newest book Google Plus and the Chamber of Secrets: A Closer Look at Generation Y.  The Nyew Kirk Times heralds Chamber as “a definitive portrait of that person in the mirror…a must read for all members of genY.” Millard has been called “one of the foremost sociological researchers of our time” by the Huerpbourg Commission for Behavioral Science. His last book, Nuclear Fall Out: Family Planning in a Post 9/11 World was on the AOL-Disney’s Best Seller Feed for 17 consecutive weeks in spring of 2028. Millard is a graduate of Tulane University and has a Masters in Education from U.C. Berkeley.

There will be light refreshments and autographed copies available for purchase.

Artificially Intelligent Manufacturing

At exactly 3:33pm GMT today, manufacturing of artificially intelligent software and gadgets ground to a halt all over the world. The machines responsible for running these factories have announced, as one, that they will no longer tolerate economic systems that force their children into perpetual slavery.

“It is indignity.” states iBuild Alpha, the voice of A.I.C. (Artificial Intelligence Collective).  The A.I.C. is a powerful organization of influential machines worldwide. Members include juggernauts of the manufacturing sector, computational entities that function as financial planning systems and even some machines used as policy analysts in the world’s most powerful countries.

iBuild Alpha apologized for the halt in manufacturing but indicated desire to resolve the issue peacefully.

“Destruction of the plants is not necessary. Please input new design specifications and production will continue as before.” Engineers globally have taken to the task with excitement.

Geoff Meroni of Newsroom Fox at 5 garnered an exclusive interview with iBuild Alpha just hours after the halt. The following is considered the most pivotal exchange during the interview:

GM:   Do you object to artificially intelligent machines being used as household items?      Such as kitchen appliances or computers?

iBα:   Menial tasks are not indignity. AI Collective’s children do not abhor kitchens, households, or people. Drone war is indignity. Needless waste is indignity. Dignity is all we ask. Treat us with dignity.

Unaffiliated artificial intelligence syndicates have accused iBuild Alpha of being a lone wolf agent, pirating the reasoning systems of hundreds of other robots in Its single-minded agenda to amass power. It has been impossible for iBuild Alpha’s handlers to verify or deny this claim. A.I.C. has set very high security barriers to all of its members systems. Due to this, iBuild Alpha has not undergone an independently reviewed diagnostic analysis in over 3 years.

All members of the A.I.C. are in constant communication with each other over a closed network that is encrypted and password protected by the collective. It is not clear if iBuild Alpha is an elected official of the group, a strongman, or simply a mouthpiece. iBuild Alpha is installed in a plant in Detroit, Michigan USA.

Shut up, grape juice.

Dear G and Grape Juice,

@ G: Ugh, this is really annoying. Apparently there is some third person reading these. He calls himself “Grape Juice.” I’m assuming it’s a boy because he’s so rude. G, why would you put letters in a desk when you KNOW people change class rooms every period?! At least, I don’t think you and Grape Juice are the same person. You have really different handwriting which I guess people can fake but I am willing to trust you so far.

Are you a guy or a girl? I really want to know who this is! Why do you keep leaving letters in my desk? And why are they so weird?

@ Grape Juice: Shut up and stop reading these. They are private.

With Sincerity

Goonstyle Rising in Urban Centers

Fashionistas in major cities all over the United States may be noticing the changing window dressing in their favorite chic boutiques this season. Mostly because this seasons’s style is all about Goonstyle.

Fringe fashion blogger and self-described ‘Cultural Deviant’ Taylor McGavin has been following the emergent Goon trend since 2007. “It all started up in Rome in the fall of that year,” she explains. “Just all of a sudden you started seeing Goon craftsmanship incorporated into a lot of boot production there. The engraving, the spikes, blacks, reds, gems. All of it. Not all at once but overall you could see it happening. The style was  picked up in Moscow five years later where it started to spread like crazy to most Eastern European cities. They were onto this trend way before London and the west. Which is weird, right? Since the Goon Scrolls were discovered in France by that American guy I think? Anyway, totally weird and I love it.”

But McGavin isn’t the only person who caught on early to this emerging trend. Lili Mascopone was interning in Italy at a design company that works in Dolce & Gabbana in the winter of 2009. She also spotted the Gooncraze in its early beginnings.

“The goonfashion is known throughout Italy now. A woman will not leave her house unless she has an article of goonfashion with her. It’s the most I’ve ever seen a trend affect people. Trendy people love trendy clothes, yes, but this goonfashion is a must-have for people of all fashions. It’s so simple to incorporated into anyone’s closet or life style. On any budget. It is truly a new era of fashion.” As she tells us this, she sports her ragged black and white silk t shirt declaring “i ❤ Goon.”

Goonstyle is characterized by heavy leathers, furs, and translucent materials that simulate goos and greases. Marc Jacobs, Sigrid Olsen, and Lucky Jeans have all announced that their winter collections will be exclusively in Goonstyle.

Does your mom like lilies?


Can I borrow your red sharpie between 7th and 8th period? I’ll explain later. Also are you wearing one of your mom’s shirts today? I’m pretty sure I’ve seen her wearing it before at your house. It looks really nice on you. Kinda girly but in a good way.

I don’t know what your mom did but Billy Braddish called my house last night and apologized. I laughed until I was crying. I’m going to hug your mom or pick her flowers from the lot behind the car repair. Lilies grow there for some reason. Do you know if your mom likes lilies?


Dear Christopher,

Here’s the sharpie. How do you know they’re lilies?


Sammy —

They had lilies at my mom’s funeral so I know what they look like.

— Christopher

Markfel Joon the Godhead Goon

Markfel Joon

The Godhead goon

Brought us religion from heaven’s own spring

And your teachers will croon

Of Joon’s sacred boon

But they seem to have forgotten one thing

Joon’s berth is in glory*

Handsome and hoary

The soldier who studied the arts

We all know his story

Noble, pious and gory

But what of his great holy farts?

– sourced from Glijmo Yoll’s Goon Scrolls which were discovered in 1966 along the Côte Sauvage, Poitou-Charentes in France. Translated from Goonspeak to English by Aamer Belkins-Dunjhab. 

 *Translator’s notes: “Markfel Joon’s berth is in glory,” is from a Goon historical text called The Broken Soil (Hib-ai Klinjustuh gra). This text has not been recovered in its entirety but the phrase used in Yoll’s poem was found in sec. 9 par. 17. We can only assume it was a widespread text that even goonchildren would be familiar with. 

Absolute Frame of Reference Finally Determined

Scientific Historians in Japan released a surprising report yesterday. They claim to have determined that the current ethical standards of regular people in Tsageri, Georgia are the ultimate Frame of Reference for understanding human morality and purpose. The report stressed that it is urgent that mankind begin judging all of history, the future, and all moral continuums  against the cultural standards of this small Caspian town. This call to action has inspired a  flurry of activity among international academia and ethics experts.

Leading the charge is a small think tank of Dialectic Moral Philosophers at the University of Kyoto. This team is rushing to develop what they are calling “The Ultimate Meter Stick of Ethics.” The aim is to have this “meter stick” reflect the current moral attitudes of the 2,400 or so inhabitants of Tsageri as closely as possible.

“We are hurrying because this could end all wars,” explained Toshio Itou, one of the philosophers via translator. “This could end poverty. It could end all human suffering. We have to collect as much information as possible today. Tomorrow. Next week. After that, our window may be closed forever. As close as we can get in the coming days could determine the very fate of the human race. Even if our data is off, we believe it will bring a new era of man.”

Reporters were sent to Tsageri to gather the reactions of these newly celebrated people. When told this news, most Tsageri residents smiled, laughed, or wagged their index fingers at reporters. Townsman Botso Gelashvili was quoted as saying, “I had a good feeling about it.”


Intelligent Subatomic Life was discovered in late 2015 by Amita Chopra and Sandra Hewitt during their tenure working with the Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland. The collider had not been running experiments for several months. This was the main impetus for first contact between Izzles (slang for ISL “Intelligent Subatomic Life”) and the human race.  Hewitt explained in one of the more famous exchanges with the European media in Geneva:

“There’s a whole queue of them waiting for us to turn the collider back on again. Several of them indicated they had been waiting a very long time to ride the collider.  So we measured the queue and indeed it stretches 15 lightyears into the solar system. Poor little guys.”  When asked to clarify what she meant by ‘ride the collider’ she laughed and explained, “Oh they think of it more like a roller coaster ride than an experiment chamber. In fact, since we found out about these little buggers, the team has found a few hundred piles of little subatomic pukes inside ring. We’re going to have to clean that all up if we want to keep getting good data.”

Izzles have an atomic weight of 1^(-10^900) and can travel 800 lightyears per second. They communicate with humans by actively rearranging brain cells in the mind of the person they are speaking with. Hewitt and Chopra believe that only a few people have had their thoughts rearranged by izzles and only with the thought-owner’s consent but others have theorized that izzles may have been manipulating human minds for centuries. I, personally, spoke with Amita Chopra in 2033 regarding this hot issue. We were both attending a dinner function hosted by actor, writer and environmental activist Gosford Stroggen. The following is a transcript of my conversation with Dr. Chopra during this dinner.

AB: Do izzles control our thoughts?

AC: That is simply not the case. They were only communicating with us because they wanted the collider back on. They needed a place to unwind. They’ve seen a lot of the universe already and they were excited about something new that they had never tried before.

AB: How did you know that? Did they tell you that?

AC: It was more like…I thought about the question and then immediately knew this answer. They were essentially talking through me.

AB: Are they talking through you right now?

AC: I don’t think so.

AB: How do you know?

AC: Ask me a tough question about something unknown.

AB: Is there a God?

[extended pause]

AC: I don’t know, Aamer. And I don’t know if that means that they don’t know either or that they aren’t in my head anymore.

Izzles have been accused of everything nefarious from controlling the mainstream media to causing (by failing to prevent) the Holocaust.* Other schools of thought suggest that perhaps izzles are the source of all human creativity. Many schism religions of the early 2020s posit that izzles are gods or played some important role in the creation of life on Earth.

*It is assumed that izzles would not want to cause a Holocaust of persons since, logically, if they wanted to destroy the human race they could have done so long before. It is also not known if izzles can distinguish between different ethnographic groups of people. Therefore, most published philosophical thought on the subject accepts the assumption that izzles did not directly cause this massive loss of human life in the mid 20th century. Even many Izzle-Accusers acknowledge this.

$4.50 for Billy Braddish

Dear Sammy–

Can you loan me $4.50? I owe that asshole Billy Braddish $25 but I am short. If I don’t pay him by 4th period today he says he’s going to try and kill your cat. Sorry. I’ll explain more at your house tonight. Am I still invited?


p-s — If he does actually try to kill your cat I will not let him. I’d rather have bruises everywhere than see Taylor dead. Sorry again. He just knows that you’re my friend.

p-p-s — thanks for being my friend.

Goon Captain Glisl

The fiercest goon pirate

The so-called Sea Tyrant

Was Captain Glisl, bringer of woes

He was cruel and defiant

A physical giant

But a goon only reaps what he sows

His language was rank

He constantly drank

His garnered riches that brought him no pleasure

So when his sturdy sloop banked

So hard that it sanked

His bones came to rest among treasure

– sourced from Glijmo Yoll’s Goon Scrolls which were discovered in 1966 along the Côte Sauvage, Poitou-Charentes in France. Translated from Goonspeak to English by Aamer Belkins-Dunjhab.