Don Juan Burritos Xpress

The Don Juan Burritos Xpress on Howard street has filed for bankruptcy. All former employees are invited for reunion party this Saturday. Live band, drinks, make whatever you like on the fryer. They’re bulldozing this shit on Monday so let’s make this count, amigos.

You should do something crazy so people will be scared of you.

Dear Christopher,
What happened to your hair?
Love,
Sammy

Sammy–
We ran into Billy Braddish and his toads in the woods behind Foster’s ice cream. They cut it off with his switch knife.
–Christopher

Dear Christopher,
I’m sorry.
Love,
Sammy

Sammy–
It’s okay. I think I look cooler this way. Maybe now people will think I’m crazy and be scared of me.
— Christopher

Dear Christopher,
You should do something crazy while you’re hair is still like that. Let’s plan something at my house tonight. I think my mom bought you black graphite pencils because you were so interested in hers. Act surprised.
Love,
Sammy

Dear Christopher,
Sorry. That was all my fault. Mrs. Ramsey is such a bitch. Come over my house tonight. My mom has something for you.
Love,
Sammy

Goonshallots

Goonshallots are

So incredibly hard

You must first burst them wide

With a mallet

But if you dip them in lard

And fry them softly in tar

They make an almost palatable salad

– sourced from Glijmo Yoll’s Goon Scrolls which were discovered in 1966 along the Côte Sauvage, Poitou-Charentes in France. Translated from Goonspeak to English by Aamer Belkins-Dunjhab. 

Breast Cancer Alliance

Breast Cancer Alliance: A lobbying group in the United States Congress that existed between 1995-2022 which sought to keep a cure for breast cancer out of reach for as long as possible. For the better part of the 20th century, breast cancer marketing tactics created enormous incentives in the retail industry and huge kickbacks for insurance companies claiming to do research for the cure, treating symptoms or researching “preventative” measures.

The clandestine group was brought to light by journalist Jeremy “Jinx” Boiler whose mother and two sisters had died of breast cancer. His story is told in the award winning documentary The Pink Scare released in 2023 and also in the box office hit Battle of the Breast released in 2026 which starred Anthony Mackie as Boiler.