Exxon-Mobile’s Space Rocks Blown Away by Glam Rock Star

A dimly lit glam rock star exploded suddenly last Wednesday, destroying a small parsec of space, including a dense cluster small planets that were recently claimed by Exxon-Mobile.

“Exxon-Mobile is very proud and willing to stay current with the most recent legislation regarding transparent accounting in the private sector so I’ll just give it to you straight. The books are going to reflect major losses this quarter,” insider from Exxon-Mobile’s Intergalactic Strategy’s upper management told reporters early this afternoon. “But we have to remember that these were just a bunch of rocks out in space. They were sort of hard to get to in the first place and shareholders need to remember that there is no reason to sell stock over this. It’s going to cause a splash in the papers, of course. How can they help themselves? But it really doesn’t mean anything.”

In a dramatic moment during this interview at Exxon-Mobile headquarter’s lobby, a reporter from the Welshington Plost managed to squeeze in a question that was on everyone’s mind that day: “Why did Exxon-Mobile buy those planets in the first place? What was so strategic about it?” The insider declined further comment and specified that he wanted to remain anonymous.

In an effort to take advantage of the flurry of P.R., Exxon-Mobile’s biggest competitor, British Petroleum released a full report of all their current space holdings. They include various portions of near-space that are mostly unidentifiable to the layperson but one holding that did raise eyebrows was Mars. British Petroleum has declined comment but said that they are releasing a statement tomorrow explaining their “exciting plans for the solar system as Earth and British Petroleum move forward.”

Glam rock stars are white dwarf stars that formerly had music careers in the glam rock genre. After running out of dreams, heroin or both, many of these personages retired to the dark reaches of space and began undergoing conventional stellar decay. It is thought that the explosion last Wednesday was caused by the glam rock star Andrew Ellison from Jet but it is difficult to determine the identity of glam rock stars after they have ruptured.

Other glam rock stars known to science include Marc Bolan (T-Rex),  Paul Francis Gadd (Gary Glitter), and Farrokh Bulsara (Freddie Mercury). None of B.P.’s space holdings are within blast radius of these glam rock stars but representative Randy Chiller of B.P. told TV news reporters, “After Exxon-Mobile’s bad luck, we’re going to double check everything here at British Petroleum. We don’t like surprises. Believe you me.” Chiller’s smug grin and oblique reference were only registered by viewers over the age of 57 who shook their fists at their screens in silent, futile anger.


The Goon-O-vision goggles

are sold at a store near you

The Goon-O-vision boggles

your world will look brand new

The Goon-O-vision toggles

between Fear and Red and Stink

your Goon-O-vision oggles

all so queer, you’ll never blink

Goon-O-vision goggles $39.99 available in the continental United States, Hawaii and Alaska. Registration required at purchase. Mobile apps available for android and iPhone.

Weird letters in my desk?

Excuse me but who keeps leaving all of these notes in my desk? I sit here during 4th period A.P. Algebra on Mondays, Wednesdays and Thursdays. Does anyone else sitting at this desk read these notes or is it just me?The first one was like from an elementary school student or something?  And the other was someone who didn’t speak English very well complaining about cheezits.

Is this a joke? I’m leaving this note here for you to explain yourself please. Are you also in A.P. classes? Just curious!

Thanks & no hard feelings,


Dear, Vivian

Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian

Vivian Vivian Vivian grape juice Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian

Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian

Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian




Those letters are not for you but you can throw them away.

– G

The mans in leather hat has me securely by the balls.

You want I should make more off effert not to eat alll of the cheezits in my pockets but I tell you with full force that this is not of my decision. I am made to eat of the cheezits because a sinister man with leather hat tald me that if he ever findss another cheezits in my jacket pocket he will turn my eyes, blame my head and feed me to his bitchy dog. She is a poodle and I hate this poodle. She is such an asshole if I ever see this poodle without the owner, I will kick her in a place that I hopes to be her uterus. I am going to wikipedia the location of poodle uteruses just so I am preparred.

So thank you for caring so much for my health and sappurting me with my struggle with the cheezits but I have to eat all of the ones in my pocket to avoid destruction. This is not my choise. It is my berden.

Punk-ska 1991-2000’s Top 5

Quick side note: I have finally set a Google alert so that the next time Boban Markovic is trending on Twitter, I will be ready.  No more of this coattails bullshit.

Okay so, starting at the bottom, top five most influential punk-ska albums from 1991-2000.

No. 5) Macia Marcia Marcia’s self-titled debut album released February ’96 by SkaFreak. In the end, these guys did not deliver on their second album but they were definitely the first on the punk-ska scene to introduce tinny&squeak tonalities for trumpet duos. Major points for innovation. Also, an awesome drum line.

No. 4) Bennington Beach Holiday Inn is still, as far as I know, the only punk-ska band to have members from four countries. Dennis Hilks from London, Monique Viscont of southern France and Murrian Dortch from Frankfurt Germany (though, technically he is Scottish). The only American in the band is Bernice Rasher. They all live together at B. Rasher’s house somewhere in upstate New York. Anyway, the band is mentionable for having palpably strong jazz influences, French lyrics, and some of the most fashion-forward album covers imaginable. They broke up in 2002 but released all of their recording sessions from 1992-95 on a single download album called Mister Meister which is no longer available. Check mix CD bargain bins for this gem.

No. 3) Christian Nutrition and the Edible Loaves had released two really solid albums before the release of their triptych single Mary’s Got Long Nails in 2000 under the aegis of legendary label ZiProkMarketplace. It featured a complete overhaul of their instrumentation from gold standard punk-ska to the inventiveness of gospel punk logging.

No. 2)  Viven los Bincos!  dominates the niche genre with outstanding bass riffs, an unbeatable lyricist in Kenny Lagorring. Without a doubt, Jeremy Hills is the best trombonist to come out of the 90s ska scene. On the track Trombotini his shredding is unreal.

No. 1) BoosterMeat kills it at number one. Bo Hendrix. Need I say more?

Don’t forget to tune into Luscious 102.4 FM Thursdays @ 4pm for more music and Yours Truly, High Fidelity Castro.

Tree Goons

The tree topper goons

Make the gooiest foods

Their chews are all suction and smack

So now, tree bottom goons

Make the gooiest rudes

They throw insults that drip down your back

– sourced from Glijmo Yoll’s Goon Scrolls which were discovered in 1966 along the Côte Sauvage, Poitou-Charentes in France. Translated from Goonspeak to English by Aamer Belkins-Dunjhab. 


Calendar Saturation Disorder

Calendar Saturation Disorder (CSD) is a newly recognized disorder by the American Psychological Association. The first diagnosed patient was Jin Xiou-Bu in Hong Kong, China in 2010.

Common symptoms of CDS include anxiety, insomnia, binge eating, high blood pressure, and muscle tension. In clinical research, patients with CDS frequently describe having the sensation that they had missed important events which had not yet occurred and confusion about what day of the week it was. In some extreme cases, sufferers do not remember their own birthday, age, or mailing address.

Medical researchers at Bowdoin College released a study in 2011 claiming they had isolated a  gene (SYGP-ORF50) related to CDS. In their experiments, lab rats with the gene who were exposed to high levels of radiation  double booked themselves during lab rat weekends 1.5 times as often as the rats not exposed to radiation and 2 times as often as the rats without the gene. The study is peer reviewed and published in Scientific America’s Breast Cancer edition but the leader of the study admits that more research is required.

Neurological experts speculate that when one’s home is full of devices, appliances and small gadgetry that all feature calendar and clock applications, the human brain’s internal leaflet calendar begins to husk itself away in desperation. Likewise, our natural cerebral clocks, timers and stopwatches all begin to spin out of control, sometimes extruding microscopic gears and springs into the brain-blood barrier. This, in turn, can cause scarring on the brain.

Calendar Saturation Disorder can sometimes be confused with Time Traveler’s Disease. However, TTD is a much more serious condition where people fast forward through life, miss major plot points and characters, and ultimately do not understand the ending.

Dear Phillip

when you spiled my yogerrt on me it made me feel really bad and it stained my clothes. i wish you hadnt don it becouse i KNOW my mom is going to be sour . i hope you know now how much pae pain you have caused on me with your acktions !! please think back to this very second the nekst next time you see a kid in the lunch room who isnot as cool as you think that you are and you don’t spill his yogerrt on him becouse pepole don’t desserve it.



Nonna Cucina

On Saturday of this past weekend, Martha Radcliff found several hairs in her spaghetti at the local Italian bistro, Nonna Cucina.

“It wasn’t just one,” Radcliff told reporters after the meal, “it was several. I mean, just too many to be excused. Blond. Actually, I’m getting sick just thinking about it.” She refused further comment, saying she wanted to go home and be with her family. Her husband confirmed her story saying, “I took it out of the waitress’s tip. I’ve never done that before but this was really something.”

Mario Pucci is the owner of Nonna Cucina and has apologized for the incident. “I can’t tell you how sorry I am. My father built this business from the ground up. I owe the community an apology for this lapse in quality. I don’t want to talk too much about what goes on behind the scenes but the person responsible no longer works here. I would like to offer the Radcliffs not only a refund but also fresh vegetables from my wife’s garden.”

According to the menus at Nonna Cucina, the restaurant’s name means “Grandmother’s kitchen.” Nonna Cucina’s online Yelp score has dipped half a star since the incident.

Boondoggling Goons

Boondoggling goons

Were sent to the moon

As part of a triptych mission

But one afternoon

The ship’s core ballooned

And they underwent nuclear fission

– sourced from Glijmo Yoll’s Goon Scrolls which were discovered in 1966 along the Côte Sauvage, Poitou-Charentes in France. Translated from Goonspeak to English by Aamer Belkins-Dunjhab. 

JockStrap Losers’s Clubhouse Rules

A big hearty handshake from the JockStrap Losers’s Clubhouse! We welcome you to our message board! (We have recently edited this page so we hope it’s a little easier to read and more informative than before!)

JockStrap Losers’s Clubhouse is quite simply a meeting place for men (and women!) on the Internet who are not into sports. If you are into sports that is okay too but you might not find out discussion boards so interesting! That being said, JSL Clubhouse is a welcoming space. Our main office is located in beautiful Harvard, Michigan and we invite you to come to our annual JSL Potluck Lunch on July 20th of each year at the Harvard, Michigan community center! (E-mail DavidSherry@Juno.net for details.)

If you are interested in membership please refer to all the following rules and regulations followed by our community.

1. Respect. There is a reason that this is the number one rule. If you are into sports, that is okay. We do not hate sports. We are just not that into them so we have peacefully created an online clubhouse for people who share this interest. Please do not smear our discussion bords with hurtful words or long postings about sports.

2. The annual JSL Clubhouse Potluck Lunch is business casual. Please no jeans! For more information about this event feel free to email David at DavidSherry@Juno.net.

3.  No gossipy discussion boards!

4. Still interested? Join by using the “Sign Up” wizard on the top right of the page. You will be prompted for your name and an authentic E-mail address.

Thanks a lot everyone!


David Sherry

Clubhouse President

Migratory Birds

At 6:35 a.m. EST today, a flock of waxwing cedar sparrows being copy pasted from coastal New England to central Mexico was accidentally deleted from the clipboard. Roy Milker witnessed the error. “It was just like one second they were there. And the next, they weren’t,” he was quoted as saying by the Barrier Reef Journal of Blubbering Accusations. He went on to say, “If I shut my eyes, I can literally still see the negative spots of light where they used to be.”

Other witnesses interviewed at the time confirm that there were at least a dozen waxwing cedar sparrows in the migrating flock. They were described additionally as “colorful,” “in the air,” and “innocent victims.”

Waxwing cedars are filed under Least Concern on the IUCN Red List of Endangered Species. However, because no individual or group has come forward to claim responsibility for the deletion of the birds, an investigation has been launched to determine if this was a terrorist act or a key command oversight.

If you have any more information regarding the cached whereabouts of these birds or have backed up copies of waxwing cedars on your external hard drive, please contact your state representative or local chapter of Mother Earth Data Cloud.