A dimly lit glam rock star exploded suddenly last Wednesday, destroying a small parsec of space, including a dense cluster small planets that were recently claimed by Exxon-Mobile.
“Exxon-Mobile is very proud and willing to stay current with the most recent legislation regarding transparent accounting in the private sector so I’ll just give it to you straight. The books are going to reflect major losses this quarter,” insider from Exxon-Mobile’s Intergalactic Strategy’s upper management told reporters early this afternoon. “But we have to remember that these were just a bunch of rocks out in space. They were sort of hard to get to in the first place and shareholders need to remember that there is no reason to sell stock over this. It’s going to cause a splash in the papers, of course. How can they help themselves? But it really doesn’t mean anything.”
In a dramatic moment during this interview at Exxon-Mobile headquarter’s lobby, a reporter from the Welshington Plost managed to squeeze in a question that was on everyone’s mind that day: “Why did Exxon-Mobile buy those planets in the first place? What was so strategic about it?” The insider declined further comment and specified that he wanted to remain anonymous.
In an effort to take advantage of the flurry of P.R., Exxon-Mobile’s biggest competitor, British Petroleum released a full report of all their current space holdings. They include various portions of near-space that are mostly unidentifiable to the layperson but one holding that did raise eyebrows was Mars. British Petroleum has declined comment but said that they are releasing a statement tomorrow explaining their “exciting plans for the solar system as Earth and British Petroleum move forward.”
Glam rock stars are white dwarf stars that formerly had music careers in the glam rock genre. After running out of dreams, heroin or both, many of these personages retired to the dark reaches of space and began undergoing conventional stellar decay. It is thought that the explosion last Wednesday was caused by the glam rock star Andrew Ellison from Jet but it is difficult to determine the identity of glam rock stars after they have ruptured.
Other glam rock stars known to science include Marc Bolan (T-Rex), Paul Francis Gadd (Gary Glitter), and Farrokh Bulsara (Freddie Mercury). None of B.P.’s space holdings are within blast radius of these glam rock stars but representative Randy Chiller of B.P. told TV news reporters, “After Exxon-Mobile’s bad luck, we’re going to double check everything here at British Petroleum. We don’t like surprises. Believe you me.” Chiller’s smug grin and oblique reference were only registered by viewers over the age of 57 who shook their fists at their screens in silent, futile anger.