Month: December 2012

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New Goonyear

As your calendar starts to go sheer*

Don’t let your face go all a-sneer

You’ve grown a bit older

So climb a new boulder

Can you see an approaching new year?

*Gooncalendars are made of translucent materials (plastics, sheer paper products, woven fabrics, etc) and the peeling of months results in new shades. There are no picture-calendars in the Goonscape.

Sourced from Glijmo Yoll’s Goon Scrolls which were discovered in 1966 along the Côte Sauvage, Poitou-Charentes in France. Translated from Goonspeak to English by Aamer Belkins-Dunjhab.

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Superman Pencil Gone Missing

Vivian,

Maybe we can try and find out who took my superman pencil? It’s kind of my younger brother’s and he really likes it but I borrowed it and then I lost it LIKE AN IDIOT. It’s been missing for like A WEEK. He even tattled and told my mom. I don’t think she was really paying attention though because he’s like 9 and just says things all the time that barely make sense.

Yeah I know Robby Safir but we’re not really friends. He can blow air through his eyes. Have you ever seen anyone do that? It’s super weird.

– Grape Juice

________________________________________________________________

Nevermind I found it (the pencil).

– Juice

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iPatch

The iPatch 1.0 was Apple’s compatibility patch released in 2030 for all non-apple technology. The iPatch was a three pronged approach to simplifying the chaotic proliferation of personalized digital technology.  The three major components of iPatch 1.0, Phase I were:

1. Install the compatibility application iWork on all devices feeding into SkyHook.

2. Sync all devices owned by an individual and upload that individual’s Pertinent User Information to a single account on SkyHook.

3. Automatically connect users based on computer analyzed communication information between accounts.

Launch Failure

The iPatch plan was controversial at best so Apple was compelled by the United States Congress to do an preliminary damage analyses to show that the iPatch would not endanger national security, economic structures, or users’ privacy. The report contained extremely detailed and fine-tuned technical information but the statistic that gained the most publicity was the “3% of robotics” that were not expected to integrate. Roughly translated, Apple anticipated that 3% of all devices communicating with Skyhook to be rendered inoperable by the iPatch, either by scrambling the device’s internal processors or the device would fail to mount the program and thereafter becoming unreadable by SkyHook.

As it turned out, the compatibility failure was actually closer to 8% and disproportionately targeted the elderly, the U.S. lower middle class, the U.S. poor, and heavy industry in poor nations. None of these groups were researched in the initial preliminary damage report and Apple has become embroiled in a series of international and domestic lawsuits since 2034, all still pending.

After the Launch Failure, the upgrade schedules for Phases II and III were postponed several times and finally vaulted as they became obsolete.

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Vivian was suuuuper busy with volley ball

Dear Grape Juice,

OMG I’m SOOOOO sorry I haven’t been writing in the detective log. I SWEAR I’ve been checking it like every other day or so but I didn’t know what to write! I thought the trail had gone cold, you know? Plus I was suuuuuper busy with volley ball practice and then I got sick and them my mom was being a huge bitch ANNOYING PERSON about where I have to apply to college. Omg, Grape Juice, just WAIT until you’re a senior. It’s AWFUL.

WOW I’m really impressed that you solved the mystery! That was pretty fun though, wasn’t it? I think we make a pretty good detective force.  It’s like, I’m the captain and you’re like the plain-clothes-cop. You know?

I’ve been thinking. Maybe we should keep this detective log around just in case there is another mystery at school. I know almost EVERYONE in my year and few people in the junior class too. I even know some sophomores (besides you) so I’m sure we can find other people who need detective work done.

What do you think?
-Vivian

p.s. You’re in marching band? Do you know Robby Safir? Or Josh Burke?

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The Goonscape

The Goonscape is a sympathetic history that exists just beyond the Known Universe.

There is no known way of contacting the inhabitants of the Goonscape directly. Its existence has been discovered only through those objects that have fallen out of the Goonscape and into the Known Universe.

The best theory for how artifacts transmit from one dimension to the other is the SusyGoon Pivot Hypothesis which states as follows: The Goonscape and the Known Universe pivot laterally parallel to one another at different rates. If points of analogous quantum symmetry meet, then artifacts “drop” through.

It is indeed fortunate that some of the objects that have dropped out of the Goonscape and into the known universe during modern times were history books themselves. Notably,  The Broken Soil (ancient texts) and The Goon Scrolls (a collection of humorous goonchidren’s poetry). Both have been translated and treated in detail by this author in other publications.

It is suspected that items or lost people from our world may still exist in the Goonscape.

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G: Case closed

Vivian,

You will not believe this. I SOLVED OUR MYSTERY.

So I was stranded after school 2 days ago because I was at a marching band meeting because we’re all going to DC in the spring. But then my mom forgot to pick me up afterward so I was stranded.  Anyway, I started wandering around the halls because I was bored and didn’t know what else to do until it occurred to me to visit our desk and see if “G” was there.

G was totally there! Her name is Gina! There’s like a Russian language class that gets taught in our room every day after school and SHE SITS AT OUR DESK. She’s leaving to go to like Siberia or whatever next month to teach kids about America or something. She’s like in her 20s!! She was pretty cool.

So it turns out that all of those notes were translations she had to do for her homework and she left them in the desk by accident until she started getting notes from you so then she started leaving them on purpose!! Isn’t that NUTS???

Anyway, I just thought I’d let you know. I hope you still read this detective log.

Anyway, whatever,
Grape Juice

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Goon Cultures: Yhomtoppa Goons

Yhomtoppa goons live in a Guldwoh desert oasis called Yhomtoppa. As a culture the Yhomtoppa are a secluded people. They do not have much interaction with other gooncultures or goongovernments. This is probably due to the fact that they use butterflies as currency.

The Yhomtoppa have been using this curious specie as early as 400 g.C. They themselves acknowledge that this is terribly inefficient but stress that it has made their society hardier and more harmonious. All members of the community are invested in the breeding of butterflies regardless of age, social status, or gender. They are some of the most beautiful and rare species of butterflies in the entirety of the goonscape and the known universe.

Due to the amount of time, energy and knowledge it takes to create large quantities of valuable butterflies, the wealthiest Yhomtoppa goons are almost all secluded intellectuals who have little to no interest in cashing in their menageries. They are compelled, however, to periodically re-infuse the local economy with common breeds and this economic balance is closely monitored by Yhomtoppa elders.

The wealthiest and most experienced breeders have developed ways of genetically enhancing butterfly health, life spans and can also manipulate the size of butterflies. Some have wingspans as small as 5 centimeters while others can sport wingspans measuring 46 centimeters.

Most Yhomtoppa families farm butterflies in their homes or gardens but many have learned to survive solely on butterflies they catch in the wild.

A simple-breed brown petal butterfly is worth approximately 2$US.

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Etta Whare Shares: Vloat Goat Roast + Repast

A traditional vloat goat roast is prepared with the creature’s concomitant fresh spring grasses or honeyed flowers. These floral delights cut the sharp grainy taste of this nutritiously lean meat.

Instructions: Lay a layer of tinfoil down in a stone or ceramic roasting dish, combine all of the ingredients, adding a dash or pepper or lemon as desired. Put in an oven preheated to 390 degrees and do not disturb for 6 hours. The beautiful aromas will give your home such a lovely atmosphere for your holiday meal. Pairs well with a dry champagne.

As always, Etta Whare wants to share with you! Visit EttaWhareShares.com to find more recipes, tips, and showstream. Don’t forget to visit the store to see exclusive products from Etta’s exclusive brand Smart Whare (c), kitchen craftsmanship for the modern home. 

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L.M., LLC’s Product Feed Digest

 Laney Moon LLC has the newest and most exciting products for today’s busy, sophisticated woman. This holiday season, we have a special curated list of our favorite seasonal products, put together with some pep for fun reading by Rebekkeh Jones of Poems on the Go! (and AOL-Disney syndicated publication)! 

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Keep you ELECTRIC!
Try their new
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You’ll look majestic
No more hectic
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thoughts.

Make your friends green
With your clean sheen routine
Nivea Queen made with
aqua marine, saline and all natural
l’huile de sardine
Faces should see and be seen

You don’t need permission
To see through your vision
Call Kitchen Mission
We love your decisions

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Buy today. Buy tomorrow.
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Laney Moon, LLC, a proud Murdock Corp. affiliate.

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Local Pet Show

Julie Mauden and her daughter Carol present the 5th annual Community Pet Show! This year the Pet Show will be held the Saturday before Christmas at Lucky Dog Boutique on Chilton Boulevard.

Contest Schedule

9:30 a.m.  Opening Ceremony with continental breakfast
9:45           Prettiest Lady — First Prize is a $25 gift certificate to Lucky Dog Boutique
11:00         Best Homemade Costume –First prize is a $25 gift certificate to Joanne Fabrics
1:30 p.m.  Santa’s Little Helper — First prize is a $25 gift certifcate towards photography with Carol Mauden
2:45           Biggest Nanimal — First prize is a $25 gift certificate to Lucky Dog Boutique
4:00          Everyone’s A Winner pizza party

 

Pre-registration is open now and there is a $25 entry fee per pet. Eligible pets include cats, dogs, rabbits, and pre-approved reptiles.

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Doomsday(s)

Holiday

May 9: Bank holiday observed in Norway, Czech Republic, and Germany. Instituted first in Germany in 2013 to stave off total implosion of the German national economy during the second world depression. Now celebrated with frying of traditional pancakes and the exchange of small gifts such as fruits or household objects.

Apocalyptic Predictions

1.God’s Beam: The religious cult God’s Beam, founded by Jeff Goldblum predicts the end of the world on 9.20.11073. The date reflects the extrapolated time from Jeff Goldblum’s exact moment of death added to the amount of time it would take for his energy to reach the Godspot in the center of the universe, assuming that his soul is traveling at the speed of light.

2. Visionary Prairie Dog: VPD worshipers are a small segment of MidAtlantic Protestants in the United States who broke with traditional doctrine to worship the feed of Twitter handle “VisionaryPrairieDog.” The computer that runs the algorithms for VPD feed operates out of a small home in Bloomington, Indiana. The VPD feed periodically makes End of World (EOW) predictions and the VPD Church in Tampa, Florida updates religious calendars with this information. Secular members of the religion say that the doomsday component of their worship is not taken that seriously.

3. Earth Stewards: The Earth Stewards have several cascading dates earmarked for humanity’s End of Days as they systematically exhaust all of the Earth’s resources. The group keeps most of these dates secret but has released this rough outline for general review:

2063   Exhaustion of oil
2101    Exhaustion of lumber
2105    Permanent structures no longer feasible due to extreme weather and climate change
2117     Over 75% of fresh water becomes poisonous
2200    Surface habitation no longer possible

4. Goondoomsday predicted by Vikfael Oosaigin: The discovery of Oosaigin’s private letters is arguably the most exciting development in Goonarchaeology since the discovery of Yoll’s Goon Scrolls in southern France. Oosaigin was an administrative counselor to a number of Goon principalities in the Lim provinces in southeastern quadrant of the Goonscape. In a remarkable letter that he addresses to an unknown friend he writes,

Epochs will come
Epochs will go
But a Goonscholar’s task
Is to be In The Know

A sky will break
Into fiery snow
Upon each and all of us
Foreign, friend and foe

From whence we came
From whence we go
We all wind up
As heavenly glow

5. The Clock Machine (disputed): The Clock Machine was invented by Rafael “Bananas” Iñez as a tool for comparing times on different planets, regions of space and parallel universes. However, just 15 months after it was installed at a NASA facility in Kippy, New Mexico, the device began to malfunction. Despite countless diagnostic tests and rebuilds The Clock Machine rendered 16:08:001 for all times zones. Many began to speculate that The Clock Machine was interpreting a time or date associated with the end of all things.

Iñez always asserted that this was not a endtimes prediction but either an error in The Clock’s engineering or failure to integrate correctly with the 2030 iPatch. Toward the end of his life, he voiced regret that he had not designed an analog version.

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Appendix: Grammatical Notes: Goon

Goon [ɡuːn]
      noun

  1. (International) English transliteration for a member of or the culture of Goons (Gjeunse).
  2. A hoodlum or ne’erdowell (obsolete).

       compound usage

1. The noun “Goon” is also used as a prefix. †
Examples: goonscape, goonopolis and goonfoods.

slang

1. Since 2030, the gerund “Gooning” has begun to supplant expletive infixation.
Examples: in/’goon-ing/cred-ible

2. Goon has also begun to morph into a lexeme forming certain indivisible compound words such as goonbears (adj. favorable, exciting) , goonchin (noun a smug person), goonover (noun take over), and pergoon (adv. both: diagonally and randomly)

 

† The affix “goon” is appended to words without aid of hyphenation or spacing. This grammatical rule was determined by The Viennese Grammatical Institute for ExtraHuman Language with both The Paris New Century Linguists Bar and Beijing School for Universal Language Precision concurring.

 

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World Champion Nose Picking

GLAVEN MN – David Fandow, the 2028 bronze medalist for world champion nose picking, was pronounced dead at 1:14 a.m. at Soldier Brook Hospital.

His mother told the press, “He was obsessed with his training. Since he was a little kid I kept telling him, ‘If you keep sticking your finger up there you’re going to mess up your brain!’ ”

An autopsy has confirmed his mother’s lifelong suspicions. During a Saturday nose picking training session, Fandow ruptured the nasal branch of his ophthalmic artery and hemorrhaged to death in his parents’ garage.

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Fat Tabby Down for Maintenance

BOSTON MA – On Thursday evening around 5 p.m. the Fat Tabby Bar & Grill went down for approximately 31 minutes in the middle of their happy hour trivia night.

Monica Drescher was one of the forty or so disgruntled guests who were milling around on the sidewalk in front of the establishment just minutes after the service lapse. “I was in there about 6 minutes ago but now it’s down. What is it with the bars in this part of town? It’s like every other place on this block either goes down for some kind of bullshit maintenance or I get a session time out before my full hour is actually up. Plus my coat is still in there! I hate it when you get booted off without your fucking stuff. I just can’t understand why my friends always want to drink in this neighborhood!”

Arlo Jackson, another ousted guest, was a bit more upset. “My boyfriend and I were in second place for trivia! If this places refreshes without our score intact I swear to god I’m going to flip a bitch. Plus I got the Mediterranean salad here so now they have all my credit card information. If I get identify theft because of a mediocre salad that doesn’t even come with hummus I am going to sue someone.”

Waitress Misty Nelson could only explain that the Fat Tabby was experiencing a run time error but would be back up shortly.

The only person who seemed to have any confidence in the situation was Bonnie Gillbrea, a self-described regular. “I used to work here and I go here like every day for lunch. This happens all the time. People say they’re getting hacked but it’s actually just a bandwidth problem. This neighborhood has changed a lot int he past 5 years and Fat Tabby hasn’t been able to cope with the traffic. The owner Danny is planning on doing a total refurbish in the spring. Oh well, I’m still just too broke to drink anywhere else.”

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Visionary Prairie Dog: f7rnever twent¥one

Today at 4:31 p.m., Visionary Prairie Dog tweeted:

Maultwit Festival Cancel?Ld &’)and f7rnever twent¥one is is kid A; amnesiac, hail t?& the thief; sys_fail2204.89.00.6001!

High Priest Reverend Barkley interprets:

Youth is as fleeting as the yen. And a person who does not remember can only welcome trouble. The end of the world is predicted on 4.22.2089 just after 6 in the morning.

A complete reprint of his holiness’s morning lecture and other interpretations of VPD  tweets can be found on the Visionary Prairie Dog Theology Center Feed.

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Pleasure Economist Freaks Out

LONG BEACH, CALIFORNIA – This past Thursday, economist and social scientist, Frankie Baron was escorted out of the Lenskii Theater before he had a chance to deliver a talk he had prepared for the Technology, Entertainment and Design (T.E.D.).

“He was flushed and sputtering,” said Pamela Morris, the theater’s backstage coordinator. “I thought it was a bad case of nerves so I got him a mood stabilizer and some mineral water. That’s when he really freaked out.”

Baron began tearing up all of his prepared notes and throwing handfuls of paper at backstage hands. He began arguing with innocent bystanders about the economic limitations on human happiness which was the topic of his paper, “Happiness: Our Sole Concern and Rightly So.”

A anonymous source recorded part of Baron’s outburst on his Fōn-SX7:

“How do we get everyone happy at once? More iPhones? Less war? What? What do these people want? That’s what I need to figure out. Even if it makes me unhappy. No wait, I take that back. This DOES make me happy.”

Frankie Baron is a well regarded economist who has published a number of articles and two books on the subject of Pleasure Economics, a school of thought he and colleague Miranda Burgesses first introduced at the Toronto Conference of Economics in 2011. Pleasure Economics is a utilitarian approach to Pleasure Theory, the belief that mankind’s capacity for happiness is its sole virtue.  Pleasure Theorists believe that objects, services and ideals that make people happy are the only worthy pursuits in a human’s life.

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Illegal Ideas

HILLSBOROUGH WA — A small district of Rutheford County in Washington has enacted a strange piece of local legislation. They have made un-American thoughts illegal.

“It’s more of a statement about our values than an actual law designed to catch the bad guys,” explained deputy mayor Salt Stuggs. “We hope that having this sort of language on the books sends a message to the world, re-inscribes our town’s values  and discourages truancy.”

The legislation does not specify any legal protocol for the local police or county prosecutor so we spoke with police captain Kazepov about how the law actually works. He explained, “It’s more of an honor system thing. Which sounds great but honestly, the amount of self-reporting these past few weeks has been a little overwhelming. I might have to desk-duty one of my officers or hire an extra hand just to handle the paper work for people trying to turn themselves in.”

Stephen Turunk is one of these civic models. He was being processed at the police station during our interview with captain Kazepov. “I can’t help it,” Turunk said. “I just want to kill every one of those goddamned senators. I’m glad there’s finally a law to protect our community from people like me.”

Captain Kazepov added, “Most of them are harmless. We just file a report and let them go home. I think they just feel better after someone’s heard them out.”

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Human Spreadsheet

SAN JOSE, CA — HeunStar, a venture-capitalist experimental bioengineering start-up in Silicon Valley announced this morning that they have successfully created the first human-spreadsheet hybrid. Her name is Lexci.

Lexci might not be much to look at but she is the ideal employee, featuring  60 yottabytes of RAM and 400 yottabytes of memory. Lexci is both an audio and a manual command interface so it’s easy to add and delete rows and columns, share, cruise and manipulate multiple projects.  Lexci comes standard with Visual Basic Application programming, roughly the equivalent of 2/3 of a human’s functioning frontal cortex, a variety of “skins,” and Wi-Fi so she can walk around the office. Without a doubt this is one of the most unique decision support systems currently in development.

“The chart displays are really remarkable,” said Brandon Chen, one of Lexci’s language recognition engineers. “The guys who worked on the holographics did a really bang-up job. Semi-opaque holographs are the future, I’m telling you.”  Lexci’s charts are portable up to a radius of about 17 feet. After that the wireless tether to the hybrid becomes unstable. “That’s something we’re looking forward to improving,” Chen explained.

Lexci has had a few bugs so far. One that the team roundly acknowledges is that Lexci has been having trouble mounting a few macros that Excel users are accustomed to. Additionally, Lexci’s new file designation, “.xlexci” is not compatible with many open source programs and versions of Excel that don’t have the 2030 iPatch.

The Artificial Intelligence Collective approved HeunStar to begin beta testing the product. Lexci prototypes are currently installed in Google HQ, AOL-Disney Conglomerate HQ, and the Research and Development branch of Mercutio Programming which is a subsidiary of Orion Global Broadcasting.

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Things we know about “G” (updated)

Dear Grape Juice,

Okay you’re right. Here are all the things we know about G:

1. First desk from the right in the second row of rm. 401
2. Notes are gross
3. G could be a guy or a girl
4. G could be any year (but probably not a freshman)
5. I get the notes and you don’t
6. G says we can throw away the notes

Also, if you’re a sophomore, I want to try and guess who YOU are. Are you friends with Samantha Mayes? Or Nancy Nataglia? Samantha Mayes is my neighbor but Nancy is more like my friend. We went to volley ball camp together. She’s kind of weird. Actually, they’re both kind of weird.

– Vivian

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Neue Horizonte

Heidi Meur, director of the Manhattan Art Council and one of New York’s most elite socialites has proclaimed that there should be no more recycled ideas in the Big Apple art scene.

“Artists drawing on the same stuff all the time!  Bo-ring!” she sang to the amusement of gathered New York notables who began clapping and cheering. “I mean, come on! Colors, lines, the human form. Let’s try something else for a change, shall we?” The meeting was held in the Trinity Jackson room in Rockefeller center and catered by Divine Olives Eatery. “How are we to inspire youth?” she continued. “Inspiring youth should be our main focus. Absolutely.”

Meur’s comments have been controversial at best. Award-winning journalist Melissa Guerelle published on the subject in her Hereticker column saying, “Meur has finally lost her marbles. It is now an undeniable fact that the only things whizzing around inside that honeycomb of a hairdo are –in fact– bees. I can only hope that this latest mania from Director Meur will be ineffable warning to anyone in this city who is considering a neopost-modernist German to be in charge of anything.”

New York art students, however seem to be in favor of Meur’s plan. Ryan Friar, a fifth year creative writing major at The New School, is one of them.

“Who needs to see Romeo and Juliet or The Cherry Orchard fifteen times?” He told The Jurinal. “Helloo we have all seen it and written papers on it. We need new things that have nothing but pizazz. Yeah, in fact, that’s an idea I’m going to announce right now. Pizzaz-only theater. No content. Just spectacular. I’m copywriting that. Don’t steal it.”

Professor Victor Heopper is also a fervent proponent of Meur’s idea. Defending her, he wrote on his own personal blog, “Stop thinking about it so much and just do the first thing that comes to mind!! Who needs influences when you have totally free expression!!!”

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Play-Dieting Toy Recalled

Flischer-Pice is recalling a product for children they just released this past summer. The “Diet Like a Grown-Up!” has incited massive outrage from progressive children’s groups calling the product, “ethically unconscionable”

“Diet Like a Grown Up” is a package of checklists, fashion tips, edible chalks that are zero calories, and a slim volume of nutritional information. The product is supposed to be for children of both genders but is geared more towards girls.

“We thought it would be nice to teach young girls about nutrition,” said spokesman Tammy Alonso. “We still think the product has potential but clearly we need think about it differently.”

RayonToys had a similar product in the pipeline but has since scratched manufacturing on, “Skinny Princess.”

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Etta Whare Shares: Olive Pastry Hors d’oeuvre

Minced olive pastries, perfect for a retirement party. You should have a selection of olives: brown, green, and black. If you’re really feeling fancy, get Sir Richard spotted calico olives for that extra smooth nutty flavor.

Using pre-packeged or pre-prepared filo dough pastries with center wells, spoon layers of the minced paste into the well and sprinkle with paprika and cinnamon. garnish with a flowered carrot stick or a cubed piece of feta cheese. Pairs deliciously with a heavy red or a fine sipping whiskey.

As always, Etta Whare wants to share with you! Visit EttaWhareShares.com to find more recipes, tips, and showstream. Don’t forget to visit the store to see exclusive products from Etta’s exclusive brand Etta Smart Whare (c), kitchen craftsmanship for the modern home. 

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Grape Juice is, in fact, a sophomore

Dear Vivian,

It’s okay if you know I’m a sophomore. I guess at some point you might also figure out who I am. But for now I am GRAPE JUICE!!!!

Okay so I sit in that desk during 6th period study hall with Mr. Block. Do you have that guy for anything? He is so awkward!! So does that mean that “G” leaves the notes after 6th period? I think that makes sense.

It’s okay if you don’t want me to have the combination to your locker. I guess I didn’t even think about it that way. I wasn’t trying to be a creep and smell all your notebooks something.

-Grape Juice, P.I.

Hey wait, don’t we also know that “G” isn’t leaving the notes for you? That might be important? That we can just throw them away? Who would leave notes that are okay to throw away?

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Things we know about “G”

Dear Grape Juice,

This is our detective log. I want to be clear that we need to be completely serious about this. This is all time I could be spending studying for the S.A.T. or doing extracurricular projects.

Anyway, here is all of the information we have about “G” so far:

1. Leaves weird notes in the first desk from the right in the second row of room 401 in the junior wing.
2. The notes are usually about things that are gross
3. We don’t know if G is a guy or a girl
4. We don’t know what year G is
5. I get the notes and you don’t

I think we should work with the fifth thing right now. I sit in that desk 4th period for math. When do you sit there?

– Vivian, P.I.

P.S. I thought about your idea for passing this detective log between our lockers but I really don’t feel comfortable giving you my locker combination. Nothing personal. Is it okay if we just keep it in yours?

P.P.S. I got the feeling you wanted to remain anonymous but you realize that I now know you have a locker in the sophomore wing, right?