Malfunctioning iYou

DALLAS TX — This past Saturday local woman Lydia Marscopi’s iYou went on a rampage killing 3 people and injuring 8 others at the department store where she works. Marscopi has been arraigned for criminal negligence but her lawyer claims that she is not legally responsible as her iYou was experiencing a mechanical error that is solely the responsibility of Apple.

Mascopi has been in the habit of sending her iYou as a substitution to her part time job at Spoomingdale’s in a Dallas shopping mall. Employees had filed complaints about her actions and Marscopi had received written and verbal warning to discontinue the substitutions as it is against Spoomingdale’s employee policies.

“It is against our employee code because it is not considered good work ethic,” explained Loretta Carson, Sr. Director of Spoomingdale’s Corporate Human Resources. “Plus it’s not consistent with the manufacturer’s suggestions on how to use the iYou. Ms. Marscopi is fully responsible for this tragedy. However, I am planning a personal and thorough investigation as to why Ms. Marscopi was not punished more severely or dismissed for her violation of this code. Spoomingdale’s takes this matter very seriously.”

Apple has also issued a statement denying their liability in this matter. “If she had used the iYou within design specifications  (i.e. house-chores, standing in line, etc) this would not have happened. As stated int he user’s manual, your iYou is not safe for vocational substitutions, swimming, or partner intimacy.”

Marscopi’s lawyer responded saying “Apple’s claim is ridiculous. The iYou could have had this malfunction standing in line or even in her own home. It could have killed Ms. Marscopi or her three small children. Furthermore, if Apple doesn’t want people using the iYou for constant or vocational use then why does their newest commercial feature the product taking on dangerous tasks like a spy villain from a movie? We plan to sue Apple for $7 million dollars in damages.”

iBuild Alpha and the Artificial Intelligence Collective are on strike until they have written gaurantees that Ms. Marscopi’s iYou will be decommissioned humanely.

Grape Juice’s locker combination

Vivian,

Holy gobstoppers, batman! This guy isn’t fooling around! What could it mean? Maybe it’s in code? Maybe it’s like a metaphor? Have you read The Da Vinci Code? I thought it was okay but I liked the movie better. NICHOLAS CAGE IS THE MAN!

Okay right. Back to detective work. I have another notebook too, I guess. It has spiderman on it because it’s my younger brother’s. I don’t think he’d mind if we used it to solve mysteries. But maybe two notebooks is too many? I think my mom has a magnifying glass?

I have an idea of where we can keep the moleskin detective book. What if I give you my locker combination and you give me yours and we just pass it back and forth as necessary? My locker number is 1681 and the combo is 33-22-59.

This message will self destruct in 1 minute!!!!!!!!
-Grape Juice

Great Lakes Magazine: Modern Man

by Jessie Marks, Editor

60 miles out outside of Worland, Wyoming in the middle of a dense deciduous forest, stands a hut made of rudely fashioned branches and twigs. This is where Josh Sanders makes his home.

Josh Sanders did not always live in a desolate woodland. He grew up in Philadelphia and attended University of Virginia where he earned a B.A. in Media and Design. He graduated with honors, moved to San Francisco and got a job in his field at a company that designed brochures for museums around the Pacific Northwest. But in 2019 he decided to give it all up and live here instead. I drove the media van out to find him and he granted me this exclusive interview.

“This forest probably has a real name but I just call it Sun Woods because you get really sensational morning light on this patch here where I built my house,” he nodded toward his homespun hut.  “Before I built my house I lived in a cave just south of here and it was full of moss. I still go there sometimes because it’s very cool there.” He laughed for a moment to himself and explained to me,  “In my head I call it ‘the spa.’ ”

Sanders took me on a tour inside his house. He had a fire pit, a bed of old leaves and around the back there is a sapling tree that is strewn with vine trimmings. He took down a few of the vines and handed them to me.

“In the summer, I dry vines here to make string. Some vines are stronger than others but I don’t really know their names. This shiny one with spines is really good but you have to be careful with it.” He held up his fingers and I could see little scars in a few places.

I asked him what he ate and he told me mostly wild berries, different kinds of flowers and occasionally meat. “I figured out how to fish. Sometimes I bag a rabbit. One time I smoked some of the rabbit I caught to try and save it for later. It kind of worked actually. I’m looking forward to trying again.” Sanders showed me his toolkit which consisted of a 5 inch knife, a 10 inch knife, a bunch of vine-string, mosses for health or insulation purposes, a shovel, and a net made of vine-string.

I asked Sanders if he wanted a glass of water from the media van. He balked, stating that the fresh water from the stream was much better so I went and got glasses for us. When I handed him the green glass. He stared at it for a while and then told me, “Jessie, this is beautiful.” I told him it was from Pier 1 Imports and this gave him pause.

“You know,” he said, “I used to have a girlfriend, a job, pants from urban outfitters, everything. But…” he stared for a long time at the tree line across the stream. “I just had to leave that all behind,” he said.

I asked him why he had left society? What had compelled him?

His face changed when I asked him that question and he handed the glass back to me. Things were tense for a moment but then he smiled and told me,  “I can’t stand indie rock music. I can’t stand it at all.” He shrugged and walked away from me back toward his hut. Even still I could hear him say, “It all just sounds exactly the same.”

House of Cards

Lynn Marie Shorey and her conjoined twin Calista Rose lay down in the street, defeated, after their home of twenty nine years finally came crashing down around them.

“This is my ancestral home!”Calista Rose screamed.  “I was born in this house of cards!”

Derek Baxter and Dexter Baron Shorey, also conjoined twins, were supporting themselves on long staffs. their dark, handsome brows furrowed in a melancholy way as they comforted their nephews Pauly and Wally Shorey whose fathers, conjoined twins Donald and Chris lay dead in the street, heirloom knives stuck through their heads.

“I don’t know why he did it,” Derek Baxter said. “It’s been tough on all of this but we have to stay strong for the women. For the children.”

“Our hearts go out to them,” Dexter Baron added.

Lyndale Morris and his conjoined brother Maurice Lyon were so torn by the stress of homeless that they both, simultaneously axed themselves in the head to death. They left behind one pair of conjoined wives, a single pair of conjoined twin sons, and a successful jeweler’s shop specializing in diamonds.

Gooningtonshire

A fat, jolly squire

From Gooningtonshire

Desired himself a young wife

So his friends all conspired

They searched and inquired

To find him a good match for life

Swains well-admired

Dressed up to inspire

But he pictured none as a bride

No one knew he desired

And only perspired

F0r goodmaidens sufficiently wide

– sourced from Glijmo Yoll’s Goon Scrolls which were discovered in 1966 along the Côte Sauvage, Poitou-Charentes in France. Translated from Goonspeak to English by Aamer Belkins-Dunjhab.