Malfunctioning iYou

DALLAS TX — This past Saturday local woman Lydia Marscopi’s iYou went on a rampage killing 3 people and injuring 8 others at the department store where she works. Marscopi has been arraigned for criminal negligence but her lawyer claims that she is not legally responsible as her iYou was experiencing a mechanical error that is solely the responsibility of Apple.

Mascopi has been in the habit of sending her iYou as a substitution to her part time job at Spoomingdale’s in a Dallas shopping mall. Employees had filed complaints about her actions and Marscopi had received written and verbal warning to discontinue the substitutions as it is against Spoomingdale’s employee policies.

“It is against our employee code because it is not considered good work ethic,” explained Loretta Carson, Sr. Director of Spoomingdale’s Corporate Human Resources. “Plus it’s not consistent with the manufacturer’s suggestions on how to use the iYou. Ms. Marscopi is fully responsible for this tragedy. However, I am planning a personal and thorough investigation as to why Ms. Marscopi was not punished more severely or dismissed for her violation of this code. Spoomingdale’s takes this matter very seriously.”

Apple has also issued a statement denying their liability in this matter. “If she had used the iYou within design specifications  (i.e. house-chores, standing in line, etc) this would not have happened. As stated int he user’s manual, your iYou is not safe for vocational substitutions, swimming, or partner intimacy.”

Marscopi’s lawyer responded saying “Apple’s claim is ridiculous. The iYou could have had this malfunction standing in line or even in her own home. It could have killed Ms. Marscopi or her three small children. Furthermore, if Apple doesn’t want people using the iYou for constant or vocational use then why does their newest commercial feature the product taking on dangerous tasks like a spy villain from a movie? We plan to sue Apple for $7 million dollars in damages.”

iBuild Alpha and the Artificial Intelligence Collective are on strike until they have written gaurantees that Ms. Marscopi’s iYou will be decommissioned humanely.