Illegal Ideas

HILLSBOROUGH WA — A small district of Rutheford County in Washington has enacted a strange piece of local legislation. They have made un-American thoughts illegal.

“It’s more of a statement about our values than an actual law designed to catch the bad guys,” explained deputy mayor Salt Stuggs. “We hope that having this sort of language on the books sends a message to the world, re-inscribes our town’s values  and discourages truancy.”

The legislation does not specify any legal protocol for the local police or county prosecutor so we spoke with police captain Kazepov about how the law actually works. He explained, “It’s more of an honor system thing. Which sounds great but honestly, the amount of self-reporting these past few weeks has been a little overwhelming. I might have to desk-duty one of my officers or hire an extra hand just to handle the paper work for people trying to turn themselves in.”

Stephen Turunk is one of these civic models. He was being processed at the police station during our interview with captain Kazepov. “I can’t help it,” Turunk said. “I just want to kill every one of those goddamned senators. I’m glad there’s finally a law to protect our community from people like me.”

Captain Kazepov added, “Most of them are harmless. We just file a report and let them go home. I think they just feel better after someone’s heard them out.”

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