Izzles

Intelligent Subatomic Life was discovered in late 2015 by Amita Chopra and Sandra Hewitt during their tenure working with the Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland. The collider had not been running experiments for several months. This was the main impetus for first contact between Izzles (slang for ISL “Intelligent Subatomic Life”) and the human race.  Hewitt explained in one of the more famous exchanges with the European media in Geneva:

“There’s a whole queue of them waiting for us to turn the collider back on again. Several of them indicated they had been waiting a very long time to ride the collider.  So we measured the queue and indeed it stretches 15 lightyears into the solar system. Poor little guys.”  When asked to clarify what she meant by ‘ride the collider’ she laughed and explained, “Oh they think of it more like a roller coaster ride than an experiment chamber. In fact, since we found out about these little buggers, the team has found a few hundred piles of little subatomic pukes inside ring. We’re going to have to clean that all up if we want to keep getting good data.”

Izzles have an atomic weight of 1^(-10^900) and can travel 800 lightyears per second. They communicate with humans by actively rearranging brain cells in the mind of the person they are speaking with. Hewitt and Chopra believe that only a few people have had their thoughts rearranged by izzles and only with the thought-owner’s consent but others have theorized that izzles may have been manipulating human minds for centuries. I, personally, spoke with Amita Chopra in 2033 regarding this hot issue. We were both attending a dinner function hosted by actor, writer and environmental activist Gosford Stroggen. The following is a transcript of my conversation with Dr. Chopra during this dinner.

AB: Do izzles control our thoughts?

AC: That is simply not the case. They were only communicating with us because they wanted the collider back on. They needed a place to unwind. They’ve seen a lot of the universe already and they were excited about something new that they had never tried before.

AB: How did you know that? Did they tell you that?

AC: It was more like…I thought about the question and then immediately knew this answer. They were essentially talking through me.

AB: Are they talking through you right now?

AC: I don’t think so.

AB: How do you know?

AC: Ask me a tough question about something unknown.

AB: Is there a God?

[extended pause]

AC: I don’t know, Aamer. And I don’t know if that means that they don’t know either or that they aren’t in my head anymore.

Izzles have been accused of everything nefarious from controlling the mainstream media to causing (by failing to prevent) the Holocaust.* Other schools of thought suggest that perhaps izzles are the source of all human creativity. Many schism religions of the early 2020s posit that izzles are gods or played some important role in the creation of life on Earth.

*It is assumed that izzles would not want to cause a Holocaust of persons since, logically, if they wanted to destroy the human race they could have done so long before. It is also not known if izzles can distinguish between different ethnographic groups of people. Therefore, most published philosophical thought on the subject accepts the assumption that izzles did not directly cause this massive loss of human life in the mid 20th century. Even many Izzle-Accusers acknowledge this.