Absolute Frame of Reference Finally Determined

Scientific Historians in Japan released a surprising report yesterday. They claim to have determined that the current ethical standards of regular people in Tsageri, Georgia are the ultimate Frame of Reference for understanding human morality and purpose. The report stressed that it is urgent that mankind begin judging all of history, the future, and all moral continuums  against the cultural standards of this small Caspian town. This call to action has inspired a  flurry of activity among international academia and ethics experts.

Leading the charge is a small think tank of Dialectic Moral Philosophers at the University of Kyoto. This team is rushing to develop what they are calling “The Ultimate Meter Stick of Ethics.” The aim is to have this “meter stick” reflect the current moral attitudes of the 2,400 or so inhabitants of Tsageri as closely as possible.

“We are hurrying because this could end all wars,” explained Toshio Itou, one of the philosophers via translator. “This could end poverty. It could end all human suffering. We have to collect as much information as possible today. Tomorrow. Next week. After that, our window may be closed forever. As close as we can get in the coming days could determine the very fate of the human race. Even if our data is off, we believe it will bring a new era of man.”

Reporters were sent to Tsageri to gather the reactions of these newly celebrated people. When told this news, most Tsageri residents smiled, laughed, or wagged their index fingers at reporters. Townsman Botso Gelashvili was quoted as saying, “I had a good feeling about it.”

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