Statistically, the Most Unlikely Letter in the Known Universe

TO: Vstroeger@ettawhare.sky
FROM: kashifilms@imail.sky

Dear Ms. Stroeger,

My name is Kashi Salaam and I think we both know somebody named Hector Rodriguez. You went to high school with him. You had a nickname for him, “Grape Soda.” He needs your help and so do I.

I am transferring an .if I made of a letter I found in my father’s house as I was getting ready to sell it. It is addressed to you from Mr. Rodriguez. He asserts that he is writing to you from the Goonscape. I assure you that this was just as confusing to me as it must be to you.

I understand that this is probably a very abrupt email but I beg you to take it seriously. My father was Aamer Belkins-Dunjhab. If you know who that is then you also might know that he recently took his own life and I think Hector Rodriguez might know why. I really need your help to reach Mr. Rodriguez. It’s rather complicated so we might need to talk in person. If you think I am a nutcase after an initial meeting then I will not bother you anymore.

Sincerely,
Kashi Salaam

Attachment(s):

_____________________________________________________________

Dear Vivian,

I don’t think this message could ever possibly find you but here it is anyway.

My name is Hector Rodriguez. Do you remember me? We knew each other 40 years ago in high school. You used to call me Grape Soda though I can’t remember why. We solved mysteries together. I’ll bet you remember that. There was an upperclassman who was terrorizing students by peeing on them. He peed on me, actually. I remember that you told me to report him to the principal of the school and then he was expelled. I don’t remember his name.

I’m writing to you because I was thinking about the mysteries you and I used to solve I thought how crazy it would be if somehow you found this letter because I am at the center of an amazing mystery. About 14 months ago, I fell through the known universe and into the Goonscape. It has been really bizarre. Kind of exciting too but mostly stressful.

The goonfamily that adopted me has been very kind to me. The goons here know about the known universe because a bunch of things have fallen through over the centuries. But I’m only the third person in history to have fallen through! The first was Amelia Earhardt but she died after she crash landed here in the Goonscape so nobody really knew what to make of her. The second was a really famous professor named Aamer Dunjhab. He taught the goons some languages (including English, thank god). There is a statue of him in a city plaza in Dren Mii (that’s like a big city here). Actually, this Aamer guy is apparently the only person to ever fall BACK into the known universe from the goonscape so I didn’t even get to meet him! Kind of a drag on top of already being trapped in an alternate dimension.

Anyway, I have a lot of free time here. I have a wife back in the known universe. Her name is Sheila. I write her letters like all the time. If you get this, could you tell her that I miss her and that I write her every day? Sheila Rodriguez. She lives on 4679 N. Orchard Blvd in Philadelphia. Well, that’s where we used to live anyway. It’s possible she had to move out by now.

Maybe I’ll write you some more tomorrow. I’m kind of tired now.
-Hector

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s