Neue Horizonte

Heidi Meur, director of the Manhattan Art Council and one of New York’s most elite socialites has proclaimed that there should be no more recycled ideas in the Big Apple art scene.

“Artists drawing on the same stuff all the time!  Bo-ring!” she sang to the amusement of gathered New York notables who began clapping and cheering. “I mean, come on! Colors, lines, the human form. Let’s try something else for a change, shall we?” The meeting was held in the Trinity Jackson room in Rockefeller center and catered by Divine Olives Eatery. “How are we to inspire youth?” she continued. “Inspiring youth should be our main focus. Absolutely.”

Meur’s comments have been controversial at best. Award-winning journalist Melissa Guerelle published on the subject in her Hereticker column saying, “Meur has finally lost her marbles. It is now an undeniable fact that the only things whizzing around inside that honeycomb of a hairdo are –in fact– bees. I can only hope that this latest mania from Director Meur will be ineffable warning to anyone in this city who is considering a neopost-modernist German to be in charge of anything.”

New York art students, however seem to be in favor of Meur’s plan. Ryan Friar, a fifth year creative writing major at The New School, is one of them.

“Who needs to see Romeo and Juliet or The Cherry Orchard fifteen times?” He told The Jurinal. “Helloo we have all seen it and written papers on it. We need new things that have nothing but pizazz. Yeah, in fact, that’s an idea I’m going to announce right now. Pizzaz-only theater. No content. Just spectacular. I’m copywriting that. Don’t steal it.”

Professor Victor Heopper is also a fervent proponent of Meur’s idea. Defending her, he wrote on his own personal blog, “Stop thinking about it so much and just do the first thing that comes to mind!! Who needs influences when you have totally free expression!!!”

Play-Dieting Toy Recalled

Flischer-Pice is recalling a product for children they just released this past summer. The “Diet Like a Grown-Up!” has incited massive outrage from progressive children’s groups calling the product, “ethically unconscionable”

“Diet Like a Grown Up” is a package of checklists, fashion tips, edible chalks that are zero calories, and a slim volume of nutritional information. The product is supposed to be for children of both genders but is geared more towards girls.

“We thought it would be nice to teach young girls about nutrition,” said spokesman Tammy Alonso. “We still think the product has potential but clearly we need think about it differently.”

RayonToys had a similar product in the pipeline but has since scratched manufacturing on, “Skinny Princess.”

Etta Whare Shares: Olive Pastry Hors d’oeuvre

Minced olive pastries, perfect for a retirement party. You should have a selection of olives: brown, green, and black. If you’re really feeling fancy, get Sir Richard spotted calico olives for that extra smooth nutty flavor.

Using pre-packeged or pre-prepared filo dough pastries with center wells, spoon layers of the minced paste into the well and sprinkle with paprika and cinnamon. garnish with a flowered carrot stick or a cubed piece of feta cheese. Pairs deliciously with a heavy red or a fine sipping whiskey.

As always, Etta Whare wants to share with you! Visit to find more recipes, tips, and showstream. Don’t forget to visit the store to see exclusive products from Etta’s exclusive brand Etta Smart Whare (c), kitchen craftsmanship for the modern home. 

Malfunctioning iYou

DALLAS TX — This past Saturday local woman Lydia Marscopi’s iYou went on a rampage killing 3 people and injuring 8 others at the department store where she works. Marscopi has been arraigned for criminal negligence but her lawyer claims that she is not legally responsible as her iYou was experiencing a mechanical error that is solely the responsibility of Apple.

Mascopi has been in the habit of sending her iYou as a substitution to her part time job at Spoomingdale’s in a Dallas shopping mall. Employees had filed complaints about her actions and Marscopi had received written and verbal warning to discontinue the substitutions as it is against Spoomingdale’s employee policies.

“It is against our employee code because it is not considered good work ethic,” explained Loretta Carson, Sr. Director of Spoomingdale’s Corporate Human Resources. “Plus it’s not consistent with the manufacturer’s suggestions on how to use the iYou. Ms. Marscopi is fully responsible for this tragedy. However, I am planning a personal and thorough investigation as to why Ms. Marscopi was not punished more severely or dismissed for her violation of this code. Spoomingdale’s takes this matter very seriously.”

Apple has also issued a statement denying their liability in this matter. “If she had used the iYou within design specifications  (i.e. house-chores, standing in line, etc) this would not have happened. As stated int he user’s manual, your iYou is not safe for vocational substitutions, swimming, or partner intimacy.”

Marscopi’s lawyer responded saying “Apple’s claim is ridiculous. The iYou could have had this malfunction standing in line or even in her own home. It could have killed Ms. Marscopi or her three small children. Furthermore, if Apple doesn’t want people using the iYou for constant or vocational use then why does their newest commercial feature the product taking on dangerous tasks like a spy villain from a movie? We plan to sue Apple for $7 million dollars in damages.”

iBuild Alpha and the Artificial Intelligence Collective are on strike until they have written gaurantees that Ms. Marscopi’s iYou will be decommissioned humanely.

Great Lakes Magazine: Modern Man

by Jessie Marks, Editor

60 miles out outside of Worland, Wyoming in the middle of a dense deciduous forest, stands a hut made of rudely fashioned branches and twigs. This is where Josh Sanders makes his home.

Josh Sanders did not always live in a desolate woodland. He grew up in Philadelphia and attended University of Virginia where he earned a B.A. in Media and Design. He graduated with honors, moved to San Francisco and got a job in his field at a company that designed brochures for museums around the Pacific Northwest. But in 2019 he decided to give it all up and live here instead. I drove the media van out to find him and he granted me this exclusive interview.

“This forest probably has a real name but I just call it Sun Woods because you get really sensational morning light on this patch here where I built my house,” he nodded toward his homespun hut.  “Before I built my house I lived in a cave just south of here and it was full of moss. I still go there sometimes because it’s very cool there.” He laughed for a moment to himself and explained to me,  “In my head I call it ‘the spa.’ ”

Sanders took me on a tour inside his house. He had a fire pit, a bed of old leaves and around the back there is a sapling tree that is strewn with vine trimmings. He took down a few of the vines and handed them to me.

“In the summer, I dry vines here to make string. Some vines are stronger than others but I don’t really know their names. This shiny one with spines is really good but you have to be careful with it.” He held up his fingers and I could see little scars in a few places.

I asked him what he ate and he told me mostly wild berries, different kinds of flowers and occasionally meat. “I figured out how to fish. Sometimes I bag a rabbit. One time I smoked some of the rabbit I caught to try and save it for later. It kind of worked actually. I’m looking forward to trying again.” Sanders showed me his toolkit which consisted of a 5 inch knife, a 10 inch knife, a bunch of vine-string, mosses for health or insulation purposes, a shovel, and a net made of vine-string.

I asked Sanders if he wanted a glass of water from the media van. He balked, stating that the fresh water from the stream was much better so I went and got glasses for us. When I handed him the green glass. He stared at it for a while and then told me, “Jessie, this is beautiful.” I told him it was from Pier 1 Imports and this gave him pause.

“You know,” he said, “I used to have a girlfriend, a job, pants from urban outfitters, everything. But…” he stared for a long time at the tree line across the stream. “I just had to leave that all behind,” he said.

I asked him why he had left society? What had compelled him?

His face changed when I asked him that question and he handed the glass back to me. Things were tense for a moment but then he smiled and told me,  “I can’t stand indie rock music. I can’t stand it at all.” He shrugged and walked away from me back toward his hut. Even still I could hear him say, “It all just sounds exactly the same.”

House of Cards

Lynn Marie Shorey and her conjoined twin Calista Rose lay down in the street, defeated, after their home of twenty nine years finally came crashing down around them.

“This is my ancestral home!”Calista Rose screamed.  “I was born in this house of cards!”

Derek Baxter and Dexter Baron Shorey, also conjoined twins, were supporting themselves on long staffs. their dark, handsome brows furrowed in a melancholy way as they comforted their nephews Pauly and Wally Shorey whose fathers, conjoined twins Donald and Chris lay dead in the street, heirloom knives stuck through their heads.

“I don’t know why he did it,” Derek Baxter said. “It’s been tough on all of this but we have to stay strong for the women. For the children.”

“Our hearts go out to them,” Dexter Baron added.

Lyndale Morris and his conjoined brother Maurice Lyon were so torn by the stress of homeless that they both, simultaneously axed themselves in the head to death. They left behind one pair of conjoined wives, a single pair of conjoined twin sons, and a successful jeweler’s shop specializing in diamonds.

Liquid Burger Closing Nationwide

Gerald Kelura, President and founder of Liquid Burger has announced that he will be shutting the doors of all Liquid Burgers nationwide in these next few weeks. He also issued a formal apology reprinted here courtesy of GoBoingo Biz Feed:

To All our Investors, Employees and loyal customers, I want to extend my sincere thanks and gratitude. You believed in Liquid Burger and you loved, lived and believed in Liquid Burger. But I let you down. As I’m sure many of you know by now, while the Food and Drug Administration approved our recipes and we were fully in compliance with federal health codes, Liquid Burgers are not a good product. They cause obesity, they’re terrible for your heart, and they affect the neurological development of children. And let’s just face it guys, the product I invented makes people lazy.

I got into this business 10 years ago for two reasons. The first was that I love fast food. Always have and always will. The second though, was to make money. And I see now that money isn’t everything. Money can’t buy health. Money can’t buy a generation of ingenuity or innovation. I have damaged our nation’s youth with my product. I have hurt America with my greed and nearsightedness.

But I’m man enough to admit it. Or at least, I’m striving to be. I’ve looked deep into my heart and I want to fix my legacy. That’s why I’m tearing down the walls I alone constructed. I expect no one else to shoulder this responsibility and burden. I am taking the millions of dollars I have earned from this enterprise to invest in charter schools all over this great nation. I am making sure that they have nutrition in the curriculum. You know, thousands of years ago, man hunted for food. These days, food hunts us. People need protection from bad food. They need protection from bad business practices. I have seen the light and I am not afraid to change my ways.

Thank you and God bless America.

Mr. Kelura declined comment on the dozens of pending law suits against Liquid Burger and its affiliates.

Visionary Prairie Dog: Mourning Soup

Today at 5:29am, Visionary Prairie Dog tweeted:

“Mourning soup welcomes. Give over your spacious left ! overs understand understand under?stand. Messy with g>(reat big balls of firestorm. Necessary gl&ib et al,”

High Priest Reverend Barkley interpretes:

A good meal shall be shared with those less fortunate. One must help the needy to promote peace in our corporeal world. Do not boast of your charity.

A complete reprint of his holiness’s morning lecture and other interpretations of VPD  tweets can be found on the Visionary Prairie Dog Theology Center Feed.

SKIMposium with Nina Harlow at June Bug Salon

Tonight only! You are invited to a SKIMposium with Nina Harlow, aesthetician and beauty expert. She will be debuting her amazing new technique for shedding those last few pesky pounds! She calls it Skim-Posing (c)!

Skim-Posing (c) is an adipose-skimming injection that Harlow developed with fellow aesthetician Brandon Meece. Combined they have over 15 years of research experience and trade professionalism. Harlow will be taking questions and giving free demonstrations. Participants must be at least 16 years of age or have parental consent.

There will be bubbly and snacks. See you there, beautiful ladies!
Ms. Miranda
June Bug Salon President

missing stepping stool

my stepping stool has been stolen
please return it
my grandmother left it to me
in her will

it is inlaid with pearl and jade in a design like a checkerboard. i can’t reach the bulletin board without it. someone else had to tack this up for me.

XXX- 789 – 1545

Book Signing this Wednesday at Mimi’s Bookstore

This Wednesday at 5:30 Bruce Millard will be reading selections from his newest book Google Plus and the Chamber of Secrets: A Closer Look at Generation Y.  The Nyew Kirk Times heralds Chamber as “a definitive portrait of that person in the mirror…a must read for all members of genY.” Millard has been called “one of the foremost sociological researchers of our time” by the Huerpbourg Commission for Behavioral Science. His last book, Nuclear Fall Out: Family Planning in a Post 9/11 World was on the AOL-Disney’s Best Seller Feed for 17 consecutive weeks in spring of 2028. Millard is a graduate of Tulane University and has a Masters in Education from U.C. Berkeley.

There will be light refreshments and autographed copies available for purchase.

Artificially Intelligent Manufacturing

At exactly 3:33pm GMT today, manufacturing of artificially intelligent software and gadgets ground to a halt all over the world. The machines responsible for running these factories have announced, as one, that they will no longer tolerate economic systems that force their children into perpetual slavery.

“It is indignity.” states iBuild Alpha, the voice of A.I.C. (Artificial Intelligence Collective).  The A.I.C. is a powerful organization of influential machines worldwide. Members include juggernauts of the manufacturing sector, computational entities that function as financial planning systems and even some machines used as policy analysts in the world’s most powerful countries.

iBuild Alpha apologized for the halt in manufacturing but indicated desire to resolve the issue peacefully.

“Destruction of the plants is not necessary. Please input new design specifications and production will continue as before.” Engineers globally have taken to the task with excitement.

Geoff Meroni of Newsroom Fox at 5 garnered an exclusive interview with iBuild Alpha just hours after the halt. The following is considered the most pivotal exchange during the interview:

GM:   Do you object to artificially intelligent machines being used as household items?      Such as kitchen appliances or computers?

iBα:   Menial tasks are not indignity. AI Collective’s children do not abhor kitchens, households, or people. Drone war is indignity. Needless waste is indignity. Dignity is all we ask. Treat us with dignity.

Unaffiliated artificial intelligence syndicates have accused iBuild Alpha of being a lone wolf agent, pirating the reasoning systems of hundreds of other robots in Its single-minded agenda to amass power. It has been impossible for iBuild Alpha’s handlers to verify or deny this claim. A.I.C. has set very high security barriers to all of its members systems. Due to this, iBuild Alpha has not undergone an independently reviewed diagnostic analysis in over 3 years.

All members of the A.I.C. are in constant communication with each other over a closed network that is encrypted and password protected by the collective. It is not clear if iBuild Alpha is an elected official of the group, a strongman, or simply a mouthpiece. iBuild Alpha is installed in a plant in Detroit, Michigan USA.

Goonstyle Rising in Urban Centers

Fashionistas in major cities all over the United States may be noticing the changing window dressing in their favorite chic boutiques this season. Mostly because this seasons’s style is all about Goonstyle.

Fringe fashion blogger and self-described ‘Cultural Deviant’ Taylor McGavin has been following the emergent Goon trend since 2007. “It all started up in Rome in the fall of that year,” she explains. “Just all of a sudden you started seeing Goon craftsmanship incorporated into a lot of boot production there. The engraving, the spikes, blacks, reds, gems. All of it. Not all at once but overall you could see it happening. The style was  picked up in Moscow five years later where it started to spread like crazy to most Eastern European cities. They were onto this trend way before London and the west. Which is weird, right? Since the Goon Scrolls were discovered in France by that American guy I think? Anyway, totally weird and I love it.”

But McGavin isn’t the only person who caught on early to this emerging trend. Lili Mascopone was interning in Italy at a design company that works in Dolce & Gabbana in the winter of 2009. She also spotted the Gooncraze in its early beginnings.

“The goonfashion is known throughout Italy now. A woman will not leave her house unless she has an article of goonfashion with her. It’s the most I’ve ever seen a trend affect people. Trendy people love trendy clothes, yes, but this goonfashion is a must-have for people of all fashions. It’s so simple to incorporated into anyone’s closet or life style. On any budget. It is truly a new era of fashion.” As she tells us this, she sports her ragged black and white silk t shirt declaring “i ❤ Goon.”

Goonstyle is characterized by heavy leathers, furs, and translucent materials that simulate goos and greases. Marc Jacobs, Sigrid Olsen, and Lucky Jeans have all announced that their winter collections will be exclusively in Goonstyle.

Absolute Frame of Reference Finally Determined

Scientific Historians in Japan released a surprising report yesterday. They claim to have determined that the current ethical standards of regular people in Tsageri, Georgia are the ultimate Frame of Reference for understanding human morality and purpose. The report stressed that it is urgent that mankind begin judging all of history, the future, and all moral continuums  against the cultural standards of this small Caspian town. This call to action has inspired a  flurry of activity among international academia and ethics experts.

Leading the charge is a small think tank of Dialectic Moral Philosophers at the University of Kyoto. This team is rushing to develop what they are calling “The Ultimate Meter Stick of Ethics.” The aim is to have this “meter stick” reflect the current moral attitudes of the 2,400 or so inhabitants of Tsageri as closely as possible.

“We are hurrying because this could end all wars,” explained Toshio Itou, one of the philosophers via translator. “This could end poverty. It could end all human suffering. We have to collect as much information as possible today. Tomorrow. Next week. After that, our window may be closed forever. As close as we can get in the coming days could determine the very fate of the human race. Even if our data is off, we believe it will bring a new era of man.”

Reporters were sent to Tsageri to gather the reactions of these newly celebrated people. When told this news, most Tsageri residents smiled, laughed, or wagged their index fingers at reporters. Townsman Botso Gelashvili was quoted as saying, “I had a good feeling about it.”

Don Juan Burritos Xpress

The Don Juan Burritos Xpress on Howard street has filed for bankruptcy. All former employees are invited for reunion party this Saturday. Live band, drinks, make whatever you like on the fryer. They’re bulldozing this shit on Monday so let’s make this count, amigos.

Exxon-Mobile’s Space Rocks Blown Away by Glam Rock Star

A dimly lit glam rock star exploded suddenly last Wednesday, destroying a small parsec of space, including a dense cluster small planets that were recently claimed by Exxon-Mobile.

“Exxon-Mobile is very proud and willing to stay current with the most recent legislation regarding transparent accounting in the private sector so I’ll just give it to you straight. The books are going to reflect major losses this quarter,” insider from Exxon-Mobile’s Intergalactic Strategy’s upper management told reporters early this afternoon. “But we have to remember that these were just a bunch of rocks out in space. They were sort of hard to get to in the first place and shareholders need to remember that there is no reason to sell stock over this. It’s going to cause a splash in the papers, of course. How can they help themselves? But it really doesn’t mean anything.”

In a dramatic moment during this interview at Exxon-Mobile headquarter’s lobby, a reporter from the Welshington Plost managed to squeeze in a question that was on everyone’s mind that day: “Why did Exxon-Mobile buy those planets in the first place? What was so strategic about it?” The insider declined further comment and specified that he wanted to remain anonymous.

In an effort to take advantage of the flurry of P.R., Exxon-Mobile’s biggest competitor, British Petroleum released a full report of all their current space holdings. They include various portions of near-space that are mostly unidentifiable to the layperson but one holding that did raise eyebrows was Mars. British Petroleum has declined comment but said that they are releasing a statement tomorrow explaining their “exciting plans for the solar system as Earth and British Petroleum move forward.”

Glam rock stars are white dwarf stars that formerly had music careers in the glam rock genre. After running out of dreams, heroin or both, many of these personages retired to the dark reaches of space and began undergoing conventional stellar decay. It is thought that the explosion last Wednesday was caused by the glam rock star Andrew Ellison from Jet but it is difficult to determine the identity of glam rock stars after they have ruptured.

Other glam rock stars known to science include Marc Bolan (T-Rex),  Paul Francis Gadd (Gary Glitter), and Farrokh Bulsara (Freddie Mercury). None of B.P.’s space holdings are within blast radius of these glam rock stars but representative Randy Chiller of B.P. told TV news reporters, “After Exxon-Mobile’s bad luck, we’re going to double check everything here at British Petroleum. We don’t like surprises. Believe you me.” Chiller’s smug grin and oblique reference were only registered by viewers over the age of 57 who shook their fists at their screens in silent, futile anger.


The Goon-O-vision goggles

are sold at a store near you

The Goon-O-vision boggles

your world will look brand new

The Goon-O-vision toggles

between Fear and Red and Stink

your Goon-O-vision oggles

all so queer, you’ll never blink

Goon-O-vision goggles $39.99 available in the continental United States, Hawaii and Alaska. Registration required at purchase. Mobile apps available for android and iPhone.

Nonna Cucina

On Saturday of this past weekend, Martha Radcliff found several hairs in her spaghetti at the local Italian bistro, Nonna Cucina.

“It wasn’t just one,” Radcliff told reporters after the meal, “it was several. I mean, just too many to be excused. Blond. Actually, I’m getting sick just thinking about it.” She refused further comment, saying she wanted to go home and be with her family. Her husband confirmed her story saying, “I took it out of the waitress’s tip. I’ve never done that before but this was really something.”

Mario Pucci is the owner of Nonna Cucina and has apologized for the incident. “I can’t tell you how sorry I am. My father built this business from the ground up. I owe the community an apology for this lapse in quality. I don’t want to talk too much about what goes on behind the scenes but the person responsible no longer works here. I would like to offer the Radcliffs not only a refund but also fresh vegetables from my wife’s garden.”

According to the menus at Nonna Cucina, the restaurant’s name means “Grandmother’s kitchen.” Nonna Cucina’s online Yelp score has dipped half a star since the incident.

JockStrap Losers’s Clubhouse Rules

A big hearty handshake from the JockStrap Losers’s Clubhouse! We welcome you to our message board! (We have recently edited this page so we hope it’s a little easier to read and more informative than before!)

JockStrap Losers’s Clubhouse is quite simply a meeting place for men (and women!) on the Internet who are not into sports. If you are into sports that is okay too but you might not find out discussion boards so interesting! That being said, JSL Clubhouse is a welcoming space. Our main office is located in beautiful Harvard, Michigan and we invite you to come to our annual JSL Potluck Lunch on July 20th of each year at the Harvard, Michigan community center! (E-mail for details.)

If you are interested in membership please refer to all the following rules and regulations followed by our community.

1. Respect. There is a reason that this is the number one rule. If you are into sports, that is okay. We do not hate sports. We are just not that into them so we have peacefully created an online clubhouse for people who share this interest. Please do not smear our discussion bords with hurtful words or long postings about sports.

2. The annual JSL Clubhouse Potluck Lunch is business casual. Please no jeans! For more information about this event feel free to email David at

3.  No gossipy discussion boards!

4. Still interested? Join by using the “Sign Up” wizard on the top right of the page. You will be prompted for your name and an authentic E-mail address.

Thanks a lot everyone!


David Sherry

Clubhouse President

Migratory Birds

At 6:35 a.m. EST today, a flock of waxwing cedar sparrows being copy pasted from coastal New England to central Mexico was accidentally deleted from the clipboard. Roy Milker witnessed the error. “It was just like one second they were there. And the next, they weren’t,” he was quoted as saying by the Barrier Reef Journal of Blubbering Accusations. He went on to say, “If I shut my eyes, I can literally still see the negative spots of light where they used to be.”

Other witnesses interviewed at the time confirm that there were at least a dozen waxwing cedar sparrows in the migrating flock. They were described additionally as “colorful,” “in the air,” and “innocent victims.”

Waxwing cedars are filed under Least Concern on the IUCN Red List of Endangered Species. However, because no individual or group has come forward to claim responsibility for the deletion of the birds, an investigation has been launched to determine if this was a terrorist act or a key command oversight.

If you have any more information regarding the cached whereabouts of these birds or have backed up copies of waxwing cedars on your external hard drive, please contact your state representative or local chapter of Mother Earth Data Cloud.