God’s Beam

God’s Beam is a religious cult founded by Jeff Goldblum and his nurse Marist Libby toward the end of Goldblum’s life. Followers of God’s Beam refer to themselves as “rays of light.”

God’s Beam teaches that Goldblum was a prophet whose religious genius was never  awakened. Because his divinity remained untapped at the time of his death, Goldblum’s soul is an enormous positive energy that is heading toward the “God Spot” at the center of the universe where all souls come to rest. However, the “God Spot” is a place of  negative energy and when the prophet’s soul reaches this place,  it will combine unfavorably with the negative forces of oblivion, unleashing a neutralizing wave that will destroy the universe on 9.20.11073.

Followers of God’s Beam presuppose a coming destruction  by neutralization and therefore all rays of light are expected to condition their souls with neutralizing ablutions so that they might survive the Destroyer Wave when it emanates back from the God Spot. The following are descriptions of the three major pillars of God’s Beam:

1. Oral Hygiene: One of the chief concerns of rays of light. The mouth is seen as a place of both immeasurable good and evil. Therefore, keeping it clean is neutralizing.

2. Shifting Good Deeds: Rays of light do not perform good deeds for other rays of light unless it is to counteract a bad deed. It is encouraged, however, to render good deeds unto non-believers since they are predisposed to having negative energies.

3. Avoiding Extreme Temperatures: This goes for food, climes or locations, and bathing. Physical exertion is cited  as an exception.

From the outset, the Goldblum family and estate have sought to distance themselves from God’s Beam, claiming that Libby took advantage of the actor in his old age. The family successfully brought civil suit against Libby and the GB church in 2039 to recover $485,000 that had been allocated to them in Goldblum’s will.

Grape Juice, private eye

Dear Vivian,

First of all, I didn’t call myself Grape Juice. YOU called me Grape Juice. Also, I’m not rude just because I wrote your name a zillion times on a piece of paper and then included the word “grape juice.” I was just bored in class, alright? Cool it. If this is the Vivian I think it is you should know that some people say that you are uptight but I didn’t think so until right now. You should try to work on that. I always thought you were pretty okay.

So apparently we sit in the same seat in this classroom. Kinda cool, right? And so does this “G” person though I’ve never seen any of the notes they leave. That should mean something logically, right? Like G sits here after me but before you? Is that right? I’m really bad at math stuff. Maybe I can help you figure out who it is? We could be like detectives and shit.

Anyway, I like having this code name.

-Grape Juice

The Origin of Dark Matter

Dark matter, which fills 94% of this universe, is the waste produced by multi-cellular, anaerobic “Polluter” organisms that existed approximately 700 billion years ago. Each Polluter was comprised of 5 specialized cells and a single, flat flagella that was used like a solar sail to pilot through the vastness of space. These creatures evolved with the ability to consume practically everything that they came into contact with and convert it into energy.

Based on the total mass of dark matter in the universe (correcting for the rate at which the universe expands and the reproductive rate of these Polluter organisms) it is believed that this highly successful species existed for about 300 years at which point they became totally extinct over a very short period of time due to lack of food.

missing stepping stool

my stepping stool has been stolen
please return it
my grandmother left it to me
in her will

it is inlaid with pearl and jade in a design like a checkerboard. i can’t reach the bulletin board without it. someone else had to tack this up for me.

XXX- 789 – 1545

Book Signing this Wednesday at Mimi’s Bookstore

This Wednesday at 5:30 Bruce Millard will be reading selections from his newest book Google Plus and the Chamber of Secrets: A Closer Look at Generation Y.  The Nyew Kirk Times heralds Chamber as “a definitive portrait of that person in the mirror…a must read for all members of genY.” Millard has been called “one of the foremost sociological researchers of our time” by the Huerpbourg Commission for Behavioral Science. His last book, Nuclear Fall Out: Family Planning in a Post 9/11 World was on the AOL-Disney’s Best Seller Feed for 17 consecutive weeks in spring of 2028. Millard is a graduate of Tulane University and has a Masters in Education from U.C. Berkeley.

There will be light refreshments and autographed copies available for purchase.

Artificially Intelligent Manufacturing

At exactly 3:33pm GMT today, manufacturing of artificially intelligent software and gadgets ground to a halt all over the world. The machines responsible for running these factories have announced, as one, that they will no longer tolerate economic systems that force their children into perpetual slavery.

“It is indignity.” states iBuild Alpha, the voice of A.I.C. (Artificial Intelligence Collective).  The A.I.C. is a powerful organization of influential machines worldwide. Members include juggernauts of the manufacturing sector, computational entities that function as financial planning systems and even some machines used as policy analysts in the world’s most powerful countries.

iBuild Alpha apologized for the halt in manufacturing but indicated desire to resolve the issue peacefully.

“Destruction of the plants is not necessary. Please input new design specifications and production will continue as before.” Engineers globally have taken to the task with excitement.

Geoff Meroni of Newsroom Fox at 5 garnered an exclusive interview with iBuild Alpha just hours after the halt. The following is considered the most pivotal exchange during the interview:

GM:   Do you object to artificially intelligent machines being used as household items?      Such as kitchen appliances or computers?

iBα:   Menial tasks are not indignity. AI Collective’s children do not abhor kitchens, households, or people. Drone war is indignity. Needless waste is indignity. Dignity is all we ask. Treat us with dignity.

Unaffiliated artificial intelligence syndicates have accused iBuild Alpha of being a lone wolf agent, pirating the reasoning systems of hundreds of other robots in Its single-minded agenda to amass power. It has been impossible for iBuild Alpha’s handlers to verify or deny this claim. A.I.C. has set very high security barriers to all of its members systems. Due to this, iBuild Alpha has not undergone an independently reviewed diagnostic analysis in over 3 years.

All members of the A.I.C. are in constant communication with each other over a closed network that is encrypted and password protected by the collective. It is not clear if iBuild Alpha is an elected official of the group, a strongman, or simply a mouthpiece. iBuild Alpha is installed in a plant in Detroit, Michigan USA.

Shut up, grape juice.

Dear G and Grape Juice,

@ G: Ugh, this is really annoying. Apparently there is some third person reading these. He calls himself “Grape Juice.” I’m assuming it’s a boy because he’s so rude. G, why would you put letters in a desk when you KNOW people change class rooms every period?! At least, I don’t think you and Grape Juice are the same person. You have really different handwriting which I guess people can fake but I am willing to trust you so far.

Are you a guy or a girl? I really want to know who this is! Why do you keep leaving letters in my desk? And why are they so weird?

@ Grape Juice: Shut up and stop reading these. They are private.

With Sincerity

Goonstyle Rising in Urban Centers

Fashionistas in major cities all over the United States may be noticing the changing window dressing in their favorite chic boutiques this season. Mostly because this seasons’s style is all about Goonstyle.

Fringe fashion blogger and self-described ‘Cultural Deviant’ Taylor McGavin has been following the emergent Goon trend since 2007. “It all started up in Rome in the fall of that year,” she explains. “Just all of a sudden you started seeing Goon craftsmanship incorporated into a lot of boot production there. The engraving, the spikes, blacks, reds, gems. All of it. Not all at once but overall you could see it happening. The style was  picked up in Moscow five years later where it started to spread like crazy to most Eastern European cities. They were onto this trend way before London and the west. Which is weird, right? Since the Goon Scrolls were discovered in France by that American guy I think? Anyway, totally weird and I love it.”

But McGavin isn’t the only person who caught on early to this emerging trend. Lili Mascopone was interning in Italy at a design company that works in Dolce & Gabbana in the winter of 2009. She also spotted the Gooncraze in its early beginnings.

“The goonfashion is known throughout Italy now. A woman will not leave her house unless she has an article of goonfashion with her. It’s the most I’ve ever seen a trend affect people. Trendy people love trendy clothes, yes, but this goonfashion is a must-have for people of all fashions. It’s so simple to incorporated into anyone’s closet or life style. On any budget. It is truly a new era of fashion.” As she tells us this, she sports her ragged black and white silk t shirt declaring “i ❤ Goon.”

Goonstyle is characterized by heavy leathers, furs, and translucent materials that simulate goos and greases. Marc Jacobs, Sigrid Olsen, and Lucky Jeans have all announced that their winter collections will be exclusively in Goonstyle.

Does your mom like lilies?


Can I borrow your red sharpie between 7th and 8th period? I’ll explain later. Also are you wearing one of your mom’s shirts today? I’m pretty sure I’ve seen her wearing it before at your house. It looks really nice on you. Kinda girly but in a good way.

I don’t know what your mom did but Billy Braddish called my house last night and apologized. I laughed until I was crying. I’m going to hug your mom or pick her flowers from the lot behind the car repair. Lilies grow there for some reason. Do you know if your mom likes lilies?


Dear Christopher,

Here’s the sharpie. How do you know they’re lilies?


Sammy —

They had lilies at my mom’s funeral so I know what they look like.

— Christopher

Markfel Joon the Godhead Goon

Markfel Joon

The Godhead goon

Brought us religion from heaven’s own spring

And your teachers will croon

Of Joon’s sacred boon

But they seem to have forgotten one thing

Joon’s berth is in glory*

Handsome and hoary

The soldier who studied the arts

We all know his story

Noble, pious and gory

But what of his great holy farts?

– sourced from Glijmo Yoll’s Goon Scrolls which were discovered in 1966 along the Côte Sauvage, Poitou-Charentes in France. Translated from Goonspeak to English by Aamer Belkins-Dunjhab. 

 *Translator’s notes: “Markfel Joon’s berth is in glory,” is from a Goon historical text called The Broken Soil (Hib-ai Klinjustuh gra). This text has not been recovered in its entirety but the phrase used in Yoll’s poem was found in sec. 9 par. 17. We can only assume it was a widespread text that even goonchildren would be familiar with. 

Absolute Frame of Reference Finally Determined

Scientific Historians in Japan released a surprising report yesterday. They claim to have determined that the current ethical standards of regular people in Tsageri, Georgia are the ultimate Frame of Reference for understanding human morality and purpose. The report stressed that it is urgent that mankind begin judging all of history, the future, and all moral continuums  against the cultural standards of this small Caspian town. This call to action has inspired a  flurry of activity among international academia and ethics experts.

Leading the charge is a small think tank of Dialectic Moral Philosophers at the University of Kyoto. This team is rushing to develop what they are calling “The Ultimate Meter Stick of Ethics.” The aim is to have this “meter stick” reflect the current moral attitudes of the 2,400 or so inhabitants of Tsageri as closely as possible.

“We are hurrying because this could end all wars,” explained Toshio Itou, one of the philosophers via translator. “This could end poverty. It could end all human suffering. We have to collect as much information as possible today. Tomorrow. Next week. After that, our window may be closed forever. As close as we can get in the coming days could determine the very fate of the human race. Even if our data is off, we believe it will bring a new era of man.”

Reporters were sent to Tsageri to gather the reactions of these newly celebrated people. When told this news, most Tsageri residents smiled, laughed, or wagged their index fingers at reporters. Townsman Botso Gelashvili was quoted as saying, “I had a good feeling about it.”


Intelligent Subatomic Life was discovered in late 2015 by Amita Chopra and Sandra Hewitt during their tenure working with the Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland. The collider had not been running experiments for several months. This was the main impetus for first contact between Izzles (slang for ISL “Intelligent Subatomic Life”) and the human race.  Hewitt explained in one of the more famous exchanges with the European media in Geneva:

“There’s a whole queue of them waiting for us to turn the collider back on again. Several of them indicated they had been waiting a very long time to ride the collider.  So we measured the queue and indeed it stretches 15 lightyears into the solar system. Poor little guys.”  When asked to clarify what she meant by ‘ride the collider’ she laughed and explained, “Oh they think of it more like a roller coaster ride than an experiment chamber. In fact, since we found out about these little buggers, the team has found a few hundred piles of little subatomic pukes inside ring. We’re going to have to clean that all up if we want to keep getting good data.”

Izzles have an atomic weight of 1^(-10^900) and can travel 800 lightyears per second. They communicate with humans by actively rearranging brain cells in the mind of the person they are speaking with. Hewitt and Chopra believe that only a few people have had their thoughts rearranged by izzles and only with the thought-owner’s consent but others have theorized that izzles may have been manipulating human minds for centuries. I, personally, spoke with Amita Chopra in 2033 regarding this hot issue. We were both attending a dinner function hosted by actor, writer and environmental activist Gosford Stroggen. The following is a transcript of my conversation with Dr. Chopra during this dinner.

AB: Do izzles control our thoughts?

AC: That is simply not the case. They were only communicating with us because they wanted the collider back on. They needed a place to unwind. They’ve seen a lot of the universe already and they were excited about something new that they had never tried before.

AB: How did you know that? Did they tell you that?

AC: It was more like…I thought about the question and then immediately knew this answer. They were essentially talking through me.

AB: Are they talking through you right now?

AC: I don’t think so.

AB: How do you know?

AC: Ask me a tough question about something unknown.

AB: Is there a God?

[extended pause]

AC: I don’t know, Aamer. And I don’t know if that means that they don’t know either or that they aren’t in my head anymore.

Izzles have been accused of everything nefarious from controlling the mainstream media to causing (by failing to prevent) the Holocaust.* Other schools of thought suggest that perhaps izzles are the source of all human creativity. Many schism religions of the early 2020s posit that izzles are gods or played some important role in the creation of life on Earth.

*It is assumed that izzles would not want to cause a Holocaust of persons since, logically, if they wanted to destroy the human race they could have done so long before. It is also not known if izzles can distinguish between different ethnographic groups of people. Therefore, most published philosophical thought on the subject accepts the assumption that izzles did not directly cause this massive loss of human life in the mid 20th century. Even many Izzle-Accusers acknowledge this.

$4.50 for Billy Braddish

Dear Sammy–

Can you loan me $4.50? I owe that asshole Billy Braddish $25 but I am short. If I don’t pay him by 4th period today he says he’s going to try and kill your cat. Sorry. I’ll explain more at your house tonight. Am I still invited?


p-s — If he does actually try to kill your cat I will not let him. I’d rather have bruises everywhere than see Taylor dead. Sorry again. He just knows that you’re my friend.

p-p-s — thanks for being my friend.

Goon Captain Glisl

The fiercest goon pirate

The so-called Sea Tyrant

Was Captain Glisl, bringer of woes

He was cruel and defiant

A physical giant

But a goon only reaps what he sows

His language was rank

He constantly drank

His garnered riches that brought him no pleasure

So when his sturdy sloop banked

So hard that it sanked

His bones came to rest among treasure

– sourced from Glijmo Yoll’s Goon Scrolls which were discovered in 1966 along the Côte Sauvage, Poitou-Charentes in France. Translated from Goonspeak to English by Aamer Belkins-Dunjhab. 

Don Juan Burritos Xpress

The Don Juan Burritos Xpress on Howard street has filed for bankruptcy. All former employees are invited for reunion party this Saturday. Live band, drinks, make whatever you like on the fryer. They’re bulldozing this shit on Monday so let’s make this count, amigos.

You should do something crazy so people will be scared of you.

Dear Christopher,
What happened to your hair?

We ran into Billy Braddish and his toads in the woods behind Foster’s ice cream. They cut it off with his switch knife.

Dear Christopher,
I’m sorry.

It’s okay. I think I look cooler this way. Maybe now people will think I’m crazy and be scared of me.
— Christopher

Dear Christopher,
You should do something crazy while you’re hair is still like that. Let’s plan something at my house tonight. I think my mom bought you black graphite pencils because you were so interested in hers. Act surprised.

Dear Christopher,
Sorry. That was all my fault. Mrs. Ramsey is such a bitch. Come over my house tonight. My mom has something for you.


Goonshallots are

So incredibly hard

You must first burst them wide

With a mallet

But if you dip them in lard

And fry them softly in tar

They make an almost palatable salad

– sourced from Glijmo Yoll’s Goon Scrolls which were discovered in 1966 along the Côte Sauvage, Poitou-Charentes in France. Translated from Goonspeak to English by Aamer Belkins-Dunjhab. 

Breast Cancer Alliance

Breast Cancer Alliance: A lobbying group in the United States Congress that existed between 1995-2022 which sought to keep a cure for breast cancer out of reach for as long as possible. For the better part of the 20th century, breast cancer marketing tactics created enormous incentives in the retail industry and huge kickbacks for insurance companies claiming to do research for the cure, treating symptoms or researching “preventative” measures.

The clandestine group was brought to light by journalist Jeremy “Jinx” Boiler whose mother and two sisters had died of breast cancer. His story is told in the award winning documentary The Pink Scare released in 2023 and also in the box office hit Battle of the Breast released in 2026 which starred Anthony Mackie as Boiler.

Exxon-Mobile’s Space Rocks Blown Away by Glam Rock Star

A dimly lit glam rock star exploded suddenly last Wednesday, destroying a small parsec of space, including a dense cluster small planets that were recently claimed by Exxon-Mobile.

“Exxon-Mobile is very proud and willing to stay current with the most recent legislation regarding transparent accounting in the private sector so I’ll just give it to you straight. The books are going to reflect major losses this quarter,” insider from Exxon-Mobile’s Intergalactic Strategy’s upper management told reporters early this afternoon. “But we have to remember that these were just a bunch of rocks out in space. They were sort of hard to get to in the first place and shareholders need to remember that there is no reason to sell stock over this. It’s going to cause a splash in the papers, of course. How can they help themselves? But it really doesn’t mean anything.”

In a dramatic moment during this interview at Exxon-Mobile headquarter’s lobby, a reporter from the Welshington Plost managed to squeeze in a question that was on everyone’s mind that day: “Why did Exxon-Mobile buy those planets in the first place? What was so strategic about it?” The insider declined further comment and specified that he wanted to remain anonymous.

In an effort to take advantage of the flurry of P.R., Exxon-Mobile’s biggest competitor, British Petroleum released a full report of all their current space holdings. They include various portions of near-space that are mostly unidentifiable to the layperson but one holding that did raise eyebrows was Mars. British Petroleum has declined comment but said that they are releasing a statement tomorrow explaining their “exciting plans for the solar system as Earth and British Petroleum move forward.”

Glam rock stars are white dwarf stars that formerly had music careers in the glam rock genre. After running out of dreams, heroin or both, many of these personages retired to the dark reaches of space and began undergoing conventional stellar decay. It is thought that the explosion last Wednesday was caused by the glam rock star Andrew Ellison from Jet but it is difficult to determine the identity of glam rock stars after they have ruptured.

Other glam rock stars known to science include Marc Bolan (T-Rex),  Paul Francis Gadd (Gary Glitter), and Farrokh Bulsara (Freddie Mercury). None of B.P.’s space holdings are within blast radius of these glam rock stars but representative Randy Chiller of B.P. told TV news reporters, “After Exxon-Mobile’s bad luck, we’re going to double check everything here at British Petroleum. We don’t like surprises. Believe you me.” Chiller’s smug grin and oblique reference were only registered by viewers over the age of 57 who shook their fists at their screens in silent, futile anger.


The Goon-O-vision goggles

are sold at a store near you

The Goon-O-vision boggles

your world will look brand new

The Goon-O-vision toggles

between Fear and Red and Stink

your Goon-O-vision oggles

all so queer, you’ll never blink

Goon-O-vision goggles $39.99 available in the continental United States, Hawaii and Alaska. Registration required at purchase. Mobile apps available for android and iPhone.

Weird letters in my desk?

Excuse me but who keeps leaving all of these notes in my desk? I sit here during 4th period A.P. Algebra on Mondays, Wednesdays and Thursdays. Does anyone else sitting at this desk read these notes or is it just me?The first one was like from an elementary school student or something?  And the other was someone who didn’t speak English very well complaining about cheezits.

Is this a joke? I’m leaving this note here for you to explain yourself please. Are you also in A.P. classes? Just curious!

Thanks & no hard feelings,


Dear, Vivian

Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian

Vivian Vivian Vivian grape juice Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian

Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian

Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian




Those letters are not for you but you can throw them away.

– G

The mans in leather hat has me securely by the balls.

You want I should make more off effert not to eat alll of the cheezits in my pockets but I tell you with full force that this is not of my decision. I am made to eat of the cheezits because a sinister man with leather hat tald me that if he ever findss another cheezits in my jacket pocket he will turn my eyes, blame my head and feed me to his bitchy dog. She is a poodle and I hate this poodle. She is such an asshole if I ever see this poodle without the owner, I will kick her in a place that I hopes to be her uterus. I am going to wikipedia the location of poodle uteruses just so I am preparred.

So thank you for caring so much for my health and sappurting me with my struggle with the cheezits but I have to eat all of the ones in my pocket to avoid destruction. This is not my choise. It is my berden.