Visionary Prairie Dog: f7rnever twent¥one

Today at 4:31 p.m., Visionary Prairie Dog tweeted:

Maultwit Festival Cancel?Ld &’)and f7rnever twent¥one is is kid A; amnesiac, hail t?& the thief; sys_fail2204.89.00.6001!

High Priest Reverend Barkley interprets:

Youth is as fleeting as the yen. And a person who does not remember can only welcome trouble. The end of the world is predicted on 4.22.2089 just after 6 in the morning.

A complete reprint of his holiness’s morning lecture and other interpretations of VPD  tweets can be found on the Visionary Prairie Dog Theology Center Feed.

Pleasure Economist Freaks Out

LONG BEACH, CALIFORNIA – This past Thursday, economist and social scientist, Frankie Baron was escorted out of the Lenskii Theater before he had a chance to deliver a talk he had prepared for the Technology, Entertainment and Design (T.E.D.).

“He was flushed and sputtering,” said Pamela Morris, the theater’s backstage coordinator. “I thought it was a bad case of nerves so I got him a mood stabilizer and some mineral water. That’s when he really freaked out.”

Baron began tearing up all of his prepared notes and throwing handfuls of paper at backstage hands. He began arguing with innocent bystanders about the economic limitations on human happiness which was the topic of his paper, “Happiness: Our Sole Concern and Rightly So.”

A anonymous source recorded part of Baron’s outburst on his Fōn-SX7:

“How do we get everyone happy at once? More iPhones? Less war? What? What do these people want? That’s what I need to figure out. Even if it makes me unhappy. No wait, I take that back. This DOES make me happy.”

Frankie Baron is a well regarded economist who has published a number of articles and two books on the subject of Pleasure Economics, a school of thought he and colleague Miranda Burgesses first introduced at the Toronto Conference of Economics in 2011. Pleasure Economics is a utilitarian approach to Pleasure Theory, the belief that mankind’s capacity for happiness is its sole virtue.  Pleasure Theorists believe that objects, services and ideals that make people happy are the only worthy pursuits in a human’s life.

Illegal Ideas

HILLSBOROUGH WA — A small district of Rutheford County in Washington has enacted a strange piece of local legislation. They have made un-American thoughts illegal.

“It’s more of a statement about our values than an actual law designed to catch the bad guys,” explained deputy mayor Salt Stuggs. “We hope that having this sort of language on the books sends a message to the world, re-inscribes our town’s values  and discourages truancy.”

The legislation does not specify any legal protocol for the local police or county prosecutor so we spoke with police captain Kazepov about how the law actually works. He explained, “It’s more of an honor system thing. Which sounds great but honestly, the amount of self-reporting these past few weeks has been a little overwhelming. I might have to desk-duty one of my officers or hire an extra hand just to handle the paper work for people trying to turn themselves in.”

Stephen Turunk is one of these civic models. He was being processed at the police station during our interview with captain Kazepov. “I can’t help it,” Turunk said. “I just want to kill every one of those goddamned senators. I’m glad there’s finally a law to protect our community from people like me.”

Captain Kazepov added, “Most of them are harmless. We just file a report and let them go home. I think they just feel better after someone’s heard them out.”

Human Spreadsheet

SAN JOSE, CA — HeunStar, a venture-capitalist experimental bioengineering start-up in Silicon Valley announced this morning that they have successfully created the first human-spreadsheet hybrid. Her name is Lexci.

Lexci might not be much to look at but she is the ideal employee, featuring  60 yottabytes of RAM and 400 yottabytes of memory. Lexci is both an audio and a manual command interface so it’s easy to add and delete rows and columns, share, cruise and manipulate multiple projects.  Lexci comes standard with Visual Basic Application programming, roughly the equivalent of 2/3 of a human’s functioning frontal cortex, a variety of “skins,” and Wi-Fi so she can walk around the office. Without a doubt this is one of the most unique decision support systems currently in development.

“The chart displays are really remarkable,” said Brandon Chen, one of Lexci’s language recognition engineers. “The guys who worked on the holographics did a really bang-up job. Semi-opaque holographs are the future, I’m telling you.”  Lexci’s charts are portable up to a radius of about 17 feet. After that the wireless tether to the hybrid becomes unstable. “That’s something we’re looking forward to improving,” Chen explained.

Lexci has had a few bugs so far. One that the team roundly acknowledges is that Lexci has been having trouble mounting a few macros that Excel users are accustomed to. Additionally, Lexci’s new file designation, “.xlexci” is not compatible with many open source programs and versions of Excel that don’t have the 2030 iPatch.

The Artificial Intelligence Collective approved HeunStar to begin beta testing the product. Lexci prototypes are currently installed in Google HQ, AOL-Disney Conglomerate HQ, and the Research and Development branch of Mercutio Programming which is a subsidiary of Orion Global Broadcasting.

Things we know about “G” (updated)

Dear Grape Juice,

Okay you’re right. Here are all the things we know about G:

1. First desk from the right in the second row of rm. 401
2. Notes are gross
3. G could be a guy or a girl
4. G could be any year (but probably not a freshman)
5. I get the notes and you don’t
6. G says we can throw away the notes

Also, if you’re a sophomore, I want to try and guess who YOU are. Are you friends with Samantha Mayes? Or Nancy Nataglia? Samantha Mayes is my neighbor but Nancy is more like my friend. We went to volley ball camp together. She’s kind of weird. Actually, they’re both kind of weird.

– Vivian

Neue Horizonte

Heidi Meur, director of the Manhattan Art Council and one of New York’s most elite socialites has proclaimed that there should be no more recycled ideas in the Big Apple art scene.

“Artists drawing on the same stuff all the time!  Bo-ring!” she sang to the amusement of gathered New York notables who began clapping and cheering. “I mean, come on! Colors, lines, the human form. Let’s try something else for a change, shall we?” The meeting was held in the Trinity Jackson room in Rockefeller center and catered by Divine Olives Eatery. “How are we to inspire youth?” she continued. “Inspiring youth should be our main focus. Absolutely.”

Meur’s comments have been controversial at best. Award-winning journalist Melissa Guerelle published on the subject in her Hereticker column saying, “Meur has finally lost her marbles. It is now an undeniable fact that the only things whizzing around inside that honeycomb of a hairdo are –in fact– bees. I can only hope that this latest mania from Director Meur will be ineffable warning to anyone in this city who is considering a neopost-modernist German to be in charge of anything.”

New York art students, however seem to be in favor of Meur’s plan. Ryan Friar, a fifth year creative writing major at The New School, is one of them.

“Who needs to see Romeo and Juliet or The Cherry Orchard fifteen times?” He told The Jurinal. “Helloo we have all seen it and written papers on it. We need new things that have nothing but pizazz. Yeah, in fact, that’s an idea I’m going to announce right now. Pizzaz-only theater. No content. Just spectacular. I’m copywriting that. Don’t steal it.”

Professor Victor Heopper is also a fervent proponent of Meur’s idea. Defending her, he wrote on his own personal blog, “Stop thinking about it so much and just do the first thing that comes to mind!! Who needs influences when you have totally free expression!!!”

Play-Dieting Toy Recalled

Flischer-Pice is recalling a product for children they just released this past summer. The “Diet Like a Grown-Up!” has incited massive outrage from progressive children’s groups calling the product, “ethically unconscionable”

“Diet Like a Grown Up” is a package of checklists, fashion tips, edible chalks that are zero calories, and a slim volume of nutritional information. The product is supposed to be for children of both genders but is geared more towards girls.

“We thought it would be nice to teach young girls about nutrition,” said spokesman Tammy Alonso. “We still think the product has potential but clearly we need think about it differently.”

RayonToys had a similar product in the pipeline but has since scratched manufacturing on, “Skinny Princess.”

Etta Whare Shares: Olive Pastry Hors d’oeuvre

Minced olive pastries, perfect for a retirement party. You should have a selection of olives: brown, green, and black. If you’re really feeling fancy, get Sir Richard spotted calico olives for that extra smooth nutty flavor.

Using pre-packeged or pre-prepared filo dough pastries with center wells, spoon layers of the minced paste into the well and sprinkle with paprika and cinnamon. garnish with a flowered carrot stick or a cubed piece of feta cheese. Pairs deliciously with a heavy red or a fine sipping whiskey.

As always, Etta Whare wants to share with you! Visit to find more recipes, tips, and showstream. Don’t forget to visit the store to see exclusive products from Etta’s exclusive brand Etta Smart Whare (c), kitchen craftsmanship for the modern home. 

Grape Juice is, in fact, a sophomore

Dear Vivian,

It’s okay if you know I’m a sophomore. I guess at some point you might also figure out who I am. But for now I am GRAPE JUICE!!!!

Okay so I sit in that desk during 6th period study hall with Mr. Block. Do you have that guy for anything? He is so awkward!! So does that mean that “G” leaves the notes after 6th period? I think that makes sense.

It’s okay if you don’t want me to have the combination to your locker. I guess I didn’t even think about it that way. I wasn’t trying to be a creep and smell all your notebooks something.

-Grape Juice, P.I.

Hey wait, don’t we also know that “G” isn’t leaving the notes for you? That might be important? That we can just throw them away? Who would leave notes that are okay to throw away?

Things we know about “G”

Dear Grape Juice,

This is our detective log. I want to be clear that we need to be completely serious about this. This is all time I could be spending studying for the S.A.T. or doing extracurricular projects.

Anyway, here is all of the information we have about “G” so far:

1. Leaves weird notes in the first desk from the right in the second row of room 401 in the junior wing.
2. The notes are usually about things that are gross
3. We don’t know if G is a guy or a girl
4. We don’t know what year G is
5. I get the notes and you don’t

I think we should work with the fifth thing right now. I sit in that desk 4th period for math. When do you sit there?

– Vivian, P.I.

P.S. I thought about your idea for passing this detective log between our lockers but I really don’t feel comfortable giving you my locker combination. Nothing personal. Is it okay if we just keep it in yours?

P.P.S. I got the feeling you wanted to remain anonymous but you realize that I now know you have a locker in the sophomore wing, right?

Malfunctioning iYou

DALLAS TX — This past Saturday local woman Lydia Marscopi’s iYou went on a rampage killing 3 people and injuring 8 others at the department store where she works. Marscopi has been arraigned for criminal negligence but her lawyer claims that she is not legally responsible as her iYou was experiencing a mechanical error that is solely the responsibility of Apple.

Mascopi has been in the habit of sending her iYou as a substitution to her part time job at Spoomingdale’s in a Dallas shopping mall. Employees had filed complaints about her actions and Marscopi had received written and verbal warning to discontinue the substitutions as it is against Spoomingdale’s employee policies.

“It is against our employee code because it is not considered good work ethic,” explained Loretta Carson, Sr. Director of Spoomingdale’s Corporate Human Resources. “Plus it’s not consistent with the manufacturer’s suggestions on how to use the iYou. Ms. Marscopi is fully responsible for this tragedy. However, I am planning a personal and thorough investigation as to why Ms. Marscopi was not punished more severely or dismissed for her violation of this code. Spoomingdale’s takes this matter very seriously.”

Apple has also issued a statement denying their liability in this matter. “If she had used the iYou within design specifications  (i.e. house-chores, standing in line, etc) this would not have happened. As stated int he user’s manual, your iYou is not safe for vocational substitutions, swimming, or partner intimacy.”

Marscopi’s lawyer responded saying “Apple’s claim is ridiculous. The iYou could have had this malfunction standing in line or even in her own home. It could have killed Ms. Marscopi or her three small children. Furthermore, if Apple doesn’t want people using the iYou for constant or vocational use then why does their newest commercial feature the product taking on dangerous tasks like a spy villain from a movie? We plan to sue Apple for $7 million dollars in damages.”

iBuild Alpha and the Artificial Intelligence Collective are on strike until they have written gaurantees that Ms. Marscopi’s iYou will be decommissioned humanely.

Grape Juice’s locker combination


Holy gobstoppers, batman! This guy isn’t fooling around! What could it mean? Maybe it’s in code? Maybe it’s like a metaphor? Have you read The Da Vinci Code? I thought it was okay but I liked the movie better. NICHOLAS CAGE IS THE MAN!

Okay right. Back to detective work. I have another notebook too, I guess. It has spiderman on it because it’s my younger brother’s. I don’t think he’d mind if we used it to solve mysteries. But maybe two notebooks is too many? I think my mom has a magnifying glass?

I have an idea of where we can keep the moleskin detective book. What if I give you my locker combination and you give me yours and we just pass it back and forth as necessary? My locker number is 1681 and the combo is 33-22-59.

This message will self destruct in 1 minute!!!!!!!!
-Grape Juice

Great Lakes Magazine: Modern Man

by Jessie Marks, Editor

60 miles out outside of Worland, Wyoming in the middle of a dense deciduous forest, stands a hut made of rudely fashioned branches and twigs. This is where Josh Sanders makes his home.

Josh Sanders did not always live in a desolate woodland. He grew up in Philadelphia and attended University of Virginia where he earned a B.A. in Media and Design. He graduated with honors, moved to San Francisco and got a job in his field at a company that designed brochures for museums around the Pacific Northwest. But in 2019 he decided to give it all up and live here instead. I drove the media van out to find him and he granted me this exclusive interview.

“This forest probably has a real name but I just call it Sun Woods because you get really sensational morning light on this patch here where I built my house,” he nodded toward his homespun hut.  “Before I built my house I lived in a cave just south of here and it was full of moss. I still go there sometimes because it’s very cool there.” He laughed for a moment to himself and explained to me,  “In my head I call it ‘the spa.’ ”

Sanders took me on a tour inside his house. He had a fire pit, a bed of old leaves and around the back there is a sapling tree that is strewn with vine trimmings. He took down a few of the vines and handed them to me.

“In the summer, I dry vines here to make string. Some vines are stronger than others but I don’t really know their names. This shiny one with spines is really good but you have to be careful with it.” He held up his fingers and I could see little scars in a few places.

I asked him what he ate and he told me mostly wild berries, different kinds of flowers and occasionally meat. “I figured out how to fish. Sometimes I bag a rabbit. One time I smoked some of the rabbit I caught to try and save it for later. It kind of worked actually. I’m looking forward to trying again.” Sanders showed me his toolkit which consisted of a 5 inch knife, a 10 inch knife, a bunch of vine-string, mosses for health or insulation purposes, a shovel, and a net made of vine-string.

I asked Sanders if he wanted a glass of water from the media van. He balked, stating that the fresh water from the stream was much better so I went and got glasses for us. When I handed him the green glass. He stared at it for a while and then told me, “Jessie, this is beautiful.” I told him it was from Pier 1 Imports and this gave him pause.

“You know,” he said, “I used to have a girlfriend, a job, pants from urban outfitters, everything. But…” he stared for a long time at the tree line across the stream. “I just had to leave that all behind,” he said.

I asked him why he had left society? What had compelled him?

His face changed when I asked him that question and he handed the glass back to me. Things were tense for a moment but then he smiled and told me,  “I can’t stand indie rock music. I can’t stand it at all.” He shrugged and walked away from me back toward his hut. Even still I could hear him say, “It all just sounds exactly the same.”

House of Cards

Lynn Marie Shorey and her conjoined twin Calista Rose lay down in the street, defeated, after their home of twenty nine years finally came crashing down around them.

“This is my ancestral home!”Calista Rose screamed.  “I was born in this house of cards!”

Derek Baxter and Dexter Baron Shorey, also conjoined twins, were supporting themselves on long staffs. their dark, handsome brows furrowed in a melancholy way as they comforted their nephews Pauly and Wally Shorey whose fathers, conjoined twins Donald and Chris lay dead in the street, heirloom knives stuck through their heads.

“I don’t know why he did it,” Derek Baxter said. “It’s been tough on all of this but we have to stay strong for the women. For the children.”

“Our hearts go out to them,” Dexter Baron added.

Lyndale Morris and his conjoined brother Maurice Lyon were so torn by the stress of homeless that they both, simultaneously axed themselves in the head to death. They left behind one pair of conjoined wives, a single pair of conjoined twin sons, and a successful jeweler’s shop specializing in diamonds.


A fat, jolly squire

From Gooningtonshire

Desired himself a young wife

So his friends all conspired

They searched and inquired

To find him a good match for life

Swains well-admired

Dressed up to inspire

But he pictured none as a bride

No one knew he desired

And only perspired

F0r goodmaidens sufficiently wide

– sourced from Glijmo Yoll’s Goon Scrolls which were discovered in 1966 along the Côte Sauvage, Poitou-Charentes in France. Translated from Goonspeak to English by Aamer Belkins-Dunjhab. 

High Fidelity Castro: Dim Son

Word bombs to the hip hoppers! Have you guys heard this crazy shit about Dim Son?

Hip hop artist Dim Son  has had his face permanently blurred  and voice distorted through surgery. He says it’s to get “the ultimate usage out of his beatboxing” and to further his reputation for being “one hardcore mother fucker.”  — Scuzz Feed

Can you believe this! I expect a bunch of K-Rappers will follow this in typical poser style. I cannot WAIT to hear his new album with this new crazy voice. Though you gotta wonder if his supermodel girlfriend is going to be pissed that he blurred out his face? And we all thought Lady Gaga’s evil-eye in her palm was wack!

Dim Son Bio (in case you’re just tuning in!): Originally from Ganzhou in the Jiangxi Province, Dim Son is probably the tightest XipXopper and Showa’ Chang (slang for Shuochang) scene. Dim Son has been charting ever since the release of his debut album Home Away from Home in 2018. Since then he’s released, an album every year: Chinatown World (2019), Communisn’t (2020), Autumn Leaflets (2021), and his two singles and Manufaxxored and Bamboo Shoots Bamboo Shots each went Gold-Platinum. He even started a new label called The Lab’s Rats that styles itself as even more hardcore, underground version of The Lab label, which currently dominates the alternative scene in China.


Don’t forget to tune into Luscious 102.4 FM Thursdays @ 4pm for more music and Yours Truly, High Fidelity Castro.

Vivian says it’s “URGENT”


Dear Grape Juice,

I got another clue from “G” today! I left it in the desk this time so you can read it too.

How GROSS is this? I wish I had kept the other two notes so I could show you but basically all you need to know at this point is that they are really weird. I think we need to team up IMMEDIATELY to try and figure out who this character is! I have already offered up my moleskin notebook that I got for my birthday. What detective tools/resources do you have?


Hungry dogs

We are heading north. The dogs are no longer fresh but they continue to stave off exhaustion. We are more than half way and there is still meat for them. They relish it. They look at me as they eat it, nodes of flesh sticking in their teeth and devotion hanging in their jaw. Their drooling is a fair indicator of their mental states. A healthy expectorate from a dog indicates hunger, yes, but also that the digestive system is healthy and not ravenous. The stomach exudes ropes of desirous salivas because it expects food and anticipates digestion. A starving dog does not drool. Not expecting food, he hunts and eats without the attendant assistance of anticipatory glands. Starvation turns the dog into a devil.
– G

Liquid Burger Closing Nationwide

Gerald Kelura, President and founder of Liquid Burger has announced that he will be shutting the doors of all Liquid Burgers nationwide in these next few weeks. He also issued a formal apology reprinted here courtesy of GoBoingo Biz Feed:

To All our Investors, Employees and loyal customers, I want to extend my sincere thanks and gratitude. You believed in Liquid Burger and you loved, lived and believed in Liquid Burger. But I let you down. As I’m sure many of you know by now, while the Food and Drug Administration approved our recipes and we were fully in compliance with federal health codes, Liquid Burgers are not a good product. They cause obesity, they’re terrible for your heart, and they affect the neurological development of children. And let’s just face it guys, the product I invented makes people lazy.

I got into this business 10 years ago for two reasons. The first was that I love fast food. Always have and always will. The second though, was to make money. And I see now that money isn’t everything. Money can’t buy health. Money can’t buy a generation of ingenuity or innovation. I have damaged our nation’s youth with my product. I have hurt America with my greed and nearsightedness.

But I’m man enough to admit it. Or at least, I’m striving to be. I’ve looked deep into my heart and I want to fix my legacy. That’s why I’m tearing down the walls I alone constructed. I expect no one else to shoulder this responsibility and burden. I am taking the millions of dollars I have earned from this enterprise to invest in charter schools all over this great nation. I am making sure that they have nutrition in the curriculum. You know, thousands of years ago, man hunted for food. These days, food hunts us. People need protection from bad food. They need protection from bad business practices. I have seen the light and I am not afraid to change my ways.

Thank you and God bless America.

Mr. Kelura declined comment on the dozens of pending law suits against Liquid Burger and its affiliates.

Visionary Prairie Dog: Mourning Soup

Today at 5:29am, Visionary Prairie Dog tweeted:

“Mourning soup welcomes. Give over your spacious left ! overs understand understand under?stand. Messy with g>(reat big balls of firestorm. Necessary gl&ib et al,”

High Priest Reverend Barkley interpretes:

A good meal shall be shared with those less fortunate. One must help the needy to promote peace in our corporeal world. Do not boast of your charity.

A complete reprint of his holiness’s morning lecture and other interpretations of VPD  tweets can be found on the Visionary Prairie Dog Theology Center Feed.

SKIMposium with Nina Harlow at June Bug Salon

Tonight only! You are invited to a SKIMposium with Nina Harlow, aesthetician and beauty expert. She will be debuting her amazing new technique for shedding those last few pesky pounds! She calls it Skim-Posing (c)!

Skim-Posing (c) is an adipose-skimming injection that Harlow developed with fellow aesthetician Brandon Meece. Combined they have over 15 years of research experience and trade professionalism. Harlow will be taking questions and giving free demonstrations. Participants must be at least 16 years of age or have parental consent.

There will be bubbly and snacks. See you there, beautiful ladies!
Ms. Miranda
June Bug Salon President

The Oracle

‘The Oracle’ is the nickname given to the blog Sweaty Pony Weekly Check-Ups written in 2012 by Patricia Swiss and Nancy Nataglia. It ran from September 2012 to December 2017, updating bi-weekly. The content of The Oracle was a melange of satirical postings on topics including news from the future, celebrity gossip and a famous spread on 50 incidents of undiscovered buried treasure. The Oracle became noteworthy when one of its posts describing the death of environmentalist Sean Morris became one of the top three search results a few hours after Morris’s actual death on October 9, 2030. Many of the details in the fictitious post mirrored details from police and coroner’s reports.

The Oracle also predicted the invention of toe ball, vulcanized drum sets, and the destruction of the Hallmark Greeting Card corporate headquarters in Kansas City, MO by a meteor.

Sweaty Pony Weekly Check-Ups ceased updating after co-author Nataglia died in a car accident in 2017. She never lived to see any of the postings take on prognostic significance.

Swiss went on to write for Saturday Night Live and a hit television show called The Barracks. She also published a slim volume of poetry in 2039 called Figs: A cycle of poetry on child rearing. As of this re-issuing of World Glossary in 2041, none of Swiss’s later writings predicted events in the future whereas 17% of the posting from Sweaty Pony Weekly Check-Ups describe, in detail, events that have happened in the relative-future.

Meaning and Speculation

Reaction to The Oracle has been vociferous. This is a guide to some of the more popular theories.

Literary Cryptology:  A coterie of Literary Cryptologists at Cornell University have published on the idea that Nataglia and Swiss did, in fact, predict the future. They hypothesize that this was only possible for them as a team and Nataglia’s death ended their powers of prediction.

Nuclear Physics, Nano-Psychology and Izzle-Accusation Theory:  Prominent individuals from each of these three fields have expressed belief that Nancy Nataglia was influenced by izzles. This presupposes the notion that izzles create the future or know the future. Further discussion of izzle knowledge is treated in my book, Interpreting and Interpolating Izzles published by Pelican-Sweeney.

Visionary Prairie Dog: Worshipers of the Visionary Prairie Dog are perhaps the single most opinionated group on the subject of The Oracle because of its implicit rivalry with the VPD Twitter Feed. They are summarized as follows:

1.  The Oracle was actually a node of  trans-temporal backwash, and not written by the two women at all.
2. The Oracle was written in the future but was programmed to update in the past.
3. Nancy Nataglia was a time traveler visiting Swiss from the future.

Artificial Intelligence and other Skeptic luminaries: Skeptics and members of the A.I. Collective claim that the close resemblance between these postings and real life events is pure coincidence. Alan Rickman, a leading Skeptic writer, said of the The Oracle “[It] is irrefutable proof that when it comes to monkey-and-typewriting technology, bloggers of the 21st century were peerless innovators.”

Mrs. Ramsey’s antlers

Dear Christopher,
I’m bored.

I know. This class sucks. Sometimes I just try to imagine that Mrs. Ramsey has antlers.

Dear Christopher,
A booger literally shot out of my nose when I read that. Can you see it? It is right by Crystal Morgan’s sneaker.

p.s. You should draw that.


p-s– alright. I’m on it.

Goonberry pies

Goonberry pies

Don’t taste very nice

If you like pastries that are fruity or sweet

They’re made with a spice

That can only entice

Goonuncles who eat with their feet

But when goonmother makes

Yucky goonberry cakes

Be a well-behaved, foul little brat

Find something that slakes

And fight your siblings for takes

Maybe next course will be roasted rat!

Translator’s notes: Goonberry cakes and pies are common dishes served during the Goon holiday of Blibberderth which is approximately the first week after spring begins. It celebrates flowers and fertility. Goonberries themselves are sour and sticky and, stereo-typically  goonchildren will not eat them. 

– sourced from Glijmo Yoll’s Goon Scrolls which were discovered in 1966 along the Côte Sauvage, Poitou-Charentes in France. Translated from Goonspeak to English by Aamer Belkins-Dunjhab.