Tree Goons

The tree topper goons

Make the gooiest foods

Their chews are all suction and smack

So now, tree bottom goons

Make the gooiest rudes

They throw insults that drip down your back

– sourced from Glijmo Yoll’s Goon Scrolls which were discovered in 1966 along the Côte Sauvage, Poitou-Charentes in France. Translated from Goonspeak to English by Aamer Belkins-Dunjhab. 

 

Calendar Saturation Disorder

Calendar Saturation Disorder (CSD) is a newly recognized disorder by the American Psychological Association. The first diagnosed patient was Jin Xiou-Bu in Hong Kong, China in 2010.

Common symptoms of CDS include anxiety, insomnia, binge eating, high blood pressure, and muscle tension. In clinical research, patients with CDS frequently describe having the sensation that they had missed important events which had not yet occurred and confusion about what day of the week it was. In some extreme cases, sufferers do not remember their own birthday, age, or mailing address.

Medical researchers at Bowdoin College released a study in 2011 claiming they had isolated a  gene (SYGP-ORF50) related to CDS. In their experiments, lab rats with the gene who were exposed to high levels of radiation  double booked themselves during lab rat weekends 1.5 times as often as the rats not exposed to radiation and 2 times as often as the rats without the gene. The study is peer reviewed and published in Scientific America’s Breast Cancer edition but the leader of the study admits that more research is required.

Neurological experts speculate that when one’s home is full of devices, appliances and small gadgetry that all feature calendar and clock applications, the human brain’s internal leaflet calendar begins to husk itself away in desperation. Likewise, our natural cerebral clocks, timers and stopwatches all begin to spin out of control, sometimes extruding microscopic gears and springs into the brain-blood barrier. This, in turn, can cause scarring on the brain.

Calendar Saturation Disorder can sometimes be confused with Time Traveler’s Disease. However, TTD is a much more serious condition where people fast forward through life, miss major plot points and characters, and ultimately do not understand the ending.

Dear Phillip

when you spiled my yogerrt on me it made me feel really bad and it stained my clothes. i wish you hadnt don it becouse i KNOW my mom is going to be sour . i hope you know now how much pae pain you have caused on me with your acktions !! please think back to this very second the nekst next time you see a kid in the lunch room who isnot as cool as you think that you are and you don’t spill his yogerrt on him becouse pepole don’t desserve it.

-FROM MATTHEW

 

Nonna Cucina

On Saturday of this past weekend, Martha Radcliff found several hairs in her spaghetti at the local Italian bistro, Nonna Cucina.

“It wasn’t just one,” Radcliff told reporters after the meal, “it was several. I mean, just too many to be excused. Blond. Actually, I’m getting sick just thinking about it.” She refused further comment, saying she wanted to go home and be with her family. Her husband confirmed her story saying, “I took it out of the waitress’s tip. I’ve never done that before but this was really something.”

Mario Pucci is the owner of Nonna Cucina and has apologized for the incident. “I can’t tell you how sorry I am. My father built this business from the ground up. I owe the community an apology for this lapse in quality. I don’t want to talk too much about what goes on behind the scenes but the person responsible no longer works here. I would like to offer the Radcliffs not only a refund but also fresh vegetables from my wife’s garden.”

According to the menus at Nonna Cucina, the restaurant’s name means “Grandmother’s kitchen.” Nonna Cucina’s online Yelp score has dipped half a star since the incident.

Boondoggling Goons

Boondoggling goons

Were sent to the moon

As part of a triptych mission

But one afternoon

The ship’s core ballooned

And they underwent nuclear fission

– sourced from Glijmo Yoll’s Goon Scrolls which were discovered in 1966 along the Côte Sauvage, Poitou-Charentes in France. Translated from Goonspeak to English by Aamer Belkins-Dunjhab. 

JockStrap Losers’s Clubhouse Rules

A big hearty handshake from the JockStrap Losers’s Clubhouse! We welcome you to our message board! (We have recently edited this page so we hope it’s a little easier to read and more informative than before!)

JockStrap Losers’s Clubhouse is quite simply a meeting place for men (and women!) on the Internet who are not into sports. If you are into sports that is okay too but you might not find out discussion boards so interesting! That being said, JSL Clubhouse is a welcoming space. Our main office is located in beautiful Harvard, Michigan and we invite you to come to our annual JSL Potluck Lunch on July 20th of each year at the Harvard, Michigan community center! (E-mail DavidSherry@Juno.net for details.)

If you are interested in membership please refer to all the following rules and regulations followed by our community.

1. Respect. There is a reason that this is the number one rule. If you are into sports, that is okay. We do not hate sports. We are just not that into them so we have peacefully created an online clubhouse for people who share this interest. Please do not smear our discussion bords with hurtful words or long postings about sports.

2. The annual JSL Clubhouse Potluck Lunch is business casual. Please no jeans! For more information about this event feel free to email David at DavidSherry@Juno.net.

3.  No gossipy discussion boards!

4. Still interested? Join by using the “Sign Up” wizard on the top right of the page. You will be prompted for your name and an authentic E-mail address.

Thanks a lot everyone!

Sincerely,

David Sherry

Clubhouse President

Migratory Birds

At 6:35 a.m. EST today, a flock of waxwing cedar sparrows being copy pasted from coastal New England to central Mexico was accidentally deleted from the clipboard. Roy Milker witnessed the error. “It was just like one second they were there. And the next, they weren’t,” he was quoted as saying by the Barrier Reef Journal of Blubbering Accusations. He went on to say, “If I shut my eyes, I can literally still see the negative spots of light where they used to be.”

Other witnesses interviewed at the time confirm that there were at least a dozen waxwing cedar sparrows in the migrating flock. They were described additionally as “colorful,” “in the air,” and “innocent victims.”

Waxwing cedars are filed under Least Concern on the IUCN Red List of Endangered Species. However, because no individual or group has come forward to claim responsibility for the deletion of the birds, an investigation has been launched to determine if this was a terrorist act or a key command oversight.

If you have any more information regarding the cached whereabouts of these birds or have backed up copies of waxwing cedars on your external hard drive, please contact your state representative or local chapter of Mother Earth Data Cloud.