mind the goons
It is common for goons
To hum little tunes
And no teacher should tell you it’s wrong
Whether it’s high tide at noon
Or the high rise of moon
Every goonheart beats with a song
– sourced from Glijmo Yoll’s Goon Scrolls which were discovered in 1966 along the Côte Sauvage, Poitou-Charentes in France. Translated from Goonspeak to English by Aamer Belkins-Dunjhab.Â
“Hello Mr. al-Kadi! And welcome to Apple Corps!”
“Thank you. I’m so glad to be here.” Kashi and Johan shook hands.
“I’m Johan and I’ll be giving you a tour of the factory today. We’ve very excited to see the specs from your engineers over at PomTriece. Etta Whare is one of our favorite companies to produce for. ”
“One of?” Kashi cocked an eyebrow.
“Our favorite!” Johan corrected and opened a great steel door for Kashi to pass through. Kashi thought to himself It feels good to be acting again.
“This!” said Johan with a sweeping gesture. “Is the Product Hall. Kashi looked down from their catwalk perch. In the depths below him were hundreds of people hunched over computers inlaid into desks.
“I know they seem a little uptight from this angle but just wait until happy hour.” Johan winked. “These people, honest to goodness, were born to innovate.” Kashi and Johan moved on down the hall and through another steel braced door.
“Over here are the yoga studios, spas, game rooms, and even a state-of-the-art daycare. Oh and over here on the left is the oxygen chamber.”
“Aha!” Kashi exclaimed, “and I thought that was just a rumor.”
“Well,” Johan winked again, “they haven’t outlawed everything.”
Johan took Kashi by the shoulder and directed him down myriad passage ways and tunnels until the dizzying monstrosity of Apple Corps was sufficiently clear.
At long last, Johan announced, “And now, the moment you’ve been waiting for, Mr. al-Kadi. Here is our pride and joy, iBuild Alpha.”
Johan opened the door and ushered Kashi inside.
Dear Ms. Stroeger,
My name is Hashim al-Kadi, CEO of PomTriece Inc.. I am contacting you with exciting news. A team of my best engineers has recently patented a new single-stage processing solution for the manufacture of prefabricated glass. I have decided that the best way to capitalize on the ingenuity of my staff is to pursue a single-supply chain with an internationally acclaimed retailer. Etta Whare is one of only a few selected companies that we will entertain bids from. I await your response.
Warmly,
Hashi al-Kadi
CEO
______________________________________________________________
“Won’t he notice we hacked his account?” asked Kashi.
Sheila drained her can of beer. “Yeah,” she said. “Eventually. Just send it.”
“But how is she going to respond?”
“Kashi. Send the damn email.”
SAN FRANCISCO — This week, Virgo Solutions (a company known for its odd sense of ingenuity) has unveiled their newest product the “Here’s the Kicker” intra-neural self-punishment device. “Here’s the Kicker” is a small chip that can be implanted at home into its owner’s non-dominant leg. The chip integrates with the owner’s neural pathways in just under one week and causes the owner to literally kick themselves at regular intervals.
Owners must first activate an account on virgokick.com where they can regulate the frequency and intensity of the self-inflicted punishment.  Intervals can be as low as once per month up to once per 10 seconds. Accounts are password protected and feature state of the art “Double Down” security protocols created by Murdock Corporation subsidiary GenCo. The “Here’s the Kicker” device also has surge punishment in the event of unauthorized deactivation or account hacking.  As usual, with Virgo Solutions programs, it is unclear what markets this will be good for.
Kashi knocked on the door of the house on Orchard street. A heavy odor of cooking was eeking out of the walls of the suburban home. The door opened to reveal a large woman with deep, almond eyes. Her magnetic beauty and sex appeal was as pungent as the wafting odors from the kitchen.
“Can I help you?” She said.
“Yes. Hello. My name is Kashi Salaam.”
She stared at him.
“I have information about your husband Hector. I need your help.”
Sheila looked over Kashi with a firm and appraising eye.
“I know about Hector and the Goonscape,” Kashi continued more urgently. “Now let me in before someone sees me here.”
Sheila opened the door wide and moved to allow his passage. He scampered in under her arm. She closed the door behind him.
“I’m making dinner. Stay here in the living room.” When she reached the doorway back to the kitchen she turned and looked over her shoulder. “Please make yourself comfortable.”
Kashi sat down reluctantly in a sofa that smelled like it had been cooked on a thousand times. Now that he was indoors he could detect the subtle fragrances of Mexican spices and well-selected oils. Rice, peppers, and chiuaua cheese were present too.
Sheila was rummaging around with pots and pans until she was satisfied that everything could be left to simmer. She returned to the living room and wordlessly sat down on a chair opposite Kashi.
“So you’re Kashi and you know about the Goonscape. What exactly do you think you know?”
Kashi was a little surprised at her apparent ingratitude. He decided to be straight with her. He wanted to impress her.
“I know that you husband Hector Rodriguez is stuck in the Goonscape and I know Murdock Corporation is involved.”
She granted him an impressed lift of a single eyebrow. “Go on.”
“Well, that’s pretty much it. And that Hector had a friend named Vivian who might be able to help us.”
“Vivian, huh? Is she the one who slipped this letter into my catalog?”
Sheila produced the letter from underneath a cushion and handed it to Kashi. “You know she kind of implies that I shouldn’t trust you. Since you’re being followed by secret agents and everything.”
“So you think I’m a spy or something?”
Sheila shook her head. “You really don’t know anything, do you?”
TO: Vstroeger@ettawhare.sky
FROM: kashifilms@imail.sky
Dear Ms. Stroeger,
My name is Kashi Salaam and I think we both know somebody named Hector Rodriguez. You went to high school with him. You had a nickname for him, “Grape Soda.” He needs your help and so do I.
I am transferring an .if I made of a letter I found in my father’s house as I was getting ready to sell it. It is addressed to you from Mr. Rodriguez. He asserts that he is writing to you from the Goonscape. I assure you that this was just as confusing to me as it must be to you.
I understand that this is probably a very abrupt email but I beg you to take it seriously. My father was Aamer Belkins-Dunjhab. If you know who that is then you also might know that he recently took his own life and I think Hector Rodriguez might know why. I really need your help to reach Mr. Rodriguez. It’s rather complicated so we might need to talk in person. If you think I am a nutcase after an initial meeting then I will not bother you anymore.
Sincerely,
Kashi Salaam
Attachment(s):
_____________________________________________________________
Dear Vivian,
I don’t think this message could ever possibly find you but here it is anyway.
My name is Hector Rodriguez. Do you remember me? We knew each other 40 years ago in high school. You used to call me Grape Soda though I can’t remember why. We solved mysteries together. I’ll bet you remember that. There was an upperclassman who was terrorizing students by peeing on them. He peed on me, actually. I remember that you told me to report him to the principal of the school and then he was expelled. I don’t remember his name.
I’m writing to you because I was thinking about the mysteries you and I used to solve I thought how crazy it would be if somehow you found this letter because I am at the center of an amazing mystery. About 14 months ago, I fell through the known universe and into the Goonscape. It has been really bizarre. Kind of exciting too but mostly stressful.
The goonfamily that adopted me has been very kind to me. The goons here know about the known universe because a bunch of things have fallen through over the centuries. But I’m only the third person in history to have fallen through! The first was Amelia Earhardt but she died after she crash landed here in the Goonscape so nobody really knew what to make of her. The second was a really famous professor named Aamer Dunjhab. He taught the goons some languages (including English, thank god). There is a statue of him in a city plaza in Dren Mii (that’s like a big city here). Actually, this Aamer guy is apparently the only person to ever fall BACK into the known universe from the goonscape so I didn’t even get to meet him! Kind of a drag on top of already being trapped in an alternate dimension.
Anyway, I have a lot of free time here. I have a wife back in the known universe. Her name is Sheila. I write her letters like all the time. If you get this, could you tell her that I miss her and that I write her every day? Sheila Rodriguez. She lives on 4679 N. Orchard Blvd in Philadelphia. Well, that’s where we used to live anyway. It’s possible she had to move out by now.
Maybe I’ll write you some more tomorrow. I’m kind of tired now.
-Hector
Goonscoptic Physics is the astrophysical study of the theory of the Goonscape. The field is studied largely by extremist members of Godsbeam who believe in the tenet of pilgrimage*. In 2040, 2 in every 3 goonscoptic physicists was a follower of Godsbeam. The Institute for Goonscoptic Science was founded in 2033 by 14 members of Godsbeam.
* Fringe believers of Godsbeam desire pilgrimage into the Goonscape because it is believed that their holy book, The Broken Soil originated there. Pilgrimage is not an official tenet of Godsbeam and many Pilgrims are excommunicated from the Church.
Â
Name: Kashi Salaam (born Aakash Belkins-Dunjhab)
Sex: Male
DOB:Â 7/14/2014
Parents:Â Aamer Belkins-Dunjhab (Father) –Deceased
Sophie Lorieux (Mother) — Deceased
Permanent Address: Unfixed
Marital Status: Unmarried
Sexual orientation: Heterosexual
Blood Type:Â AB –
Organ/Blood Donor:Â Yes/Yes
Dates of Hospitalization:Â N/A
Purchase orientation:Â Art:(film),(film-make),(film-theory);Allergic:(dust-pollen-dander), (strawberries);Apparel:(manufac.),(trend);Books:(agriculture),(business),(engineering),(engineering-chemical),(engineering-commercial),(engineering-industrial),(history-french),(history-pakistan),(metaphys-cannon),(metaphys-rudiment),(metaphys-visionaryprairiedog),Movie-(arabic),(drama),(dutch),(foreign),(french),(kungfu),(violent),(videogame)…[click for 50+]
Internet Consumption:Â Extremely High
Personality orientation:
Watch Level: Elevated
Agent: 89/K302
Profile Detail: Salaam is a career student, incapable of sticking to anything for longer than a year. Intelligent, handsome, insecure, and undergoing psychological treatment for mild Early Adult Orphan Syndrome and depression. No medications. No pets.
Profile last updated 6.1.43
Profile created 10.10.39
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Date:Â 4/12/43
Location: Linsdale, NY
Mood: sweaty
I was just taking out a few last loads of trash when I ran into a nextdoor neighbor, Jeana. She expressed condolences and corroborated my suspicions that my father had not been taking adequate care of himself for months. She said she wished she had called me. I absolved her of responsibility. I was his son, after all.
Then she told me something funny. She said that even though it’s been incredibly hot (unseasonably so, even for April) she noticed that dad had been using the chimney a lot. And, apparently, just a few nights before his death, he even had a small bonfire in the backyard.
I didn’t find any evidence of a fire in the backyard but when I looked in the fireplace I saw  she was right. It had been freshly used. There were curls of charred paper inside. I picked up a few of the scraps to see what my father had been burning. They appeared to be some kind of legal correspondence. I thought maybe they were related to drafts of his will but then I recognized a Murdock Corp. logo on one of the papers. Definitely odd but then I realized I had to clean the goddamn fireplace too. I want to get away from this house as soon as possible.
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Date: 4/11/43
Location: Linsdale, NY
Mood: …
I have returned to my father’s house after his suicide. It’s eerie being here. Not just because he’s dead but also because we really didn’t talk much this whole year.
I see now that I was avoiding my father because he was getting so depressed that it scared me. I didn’t want to be around him like that. He seemed so old and frail and sad. I fled to Princeton where I could keep in touch with him by video chat on a “regular basis.” I’m such a fucking coward.
The house has changed a lot since I was last here. All his notes and books, normally organized, are scattered and messy. There was almost no food in the fridge. I threw most of it away. It looks as though he was not taking proper care of himself. I feel ashamed and guilty, responsible in some ways for his suicide. I’m going to stay here for the next two days cleaning and collecting items.
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everyone thinks the end of the world is coming. it’s true that something terrible is coming. but the worst part about the end of the world is that you’ll probably, most-likely, survive it.
an apocalypse is a congratulatory event. if you exist at the end of the world then we’ve really got to hand it to you. The brave. The doomed. The sanctified. You were the epitome of human accomplishment. At the brink you can look back and understand where the trajectory was headed after all. People who believe in and prepare for EndTimes of any religion are complete egomaniacs. They cannot tolerate how small and unimportant they are. How insignificant their children are. How insignificant their accomplishments are. News flash: you’re a speck on a dollop of lava circling the cosmos noiselessly for no reason whatsoever.
But if it makes you feel better, believe The End is coming. It’s a nice day dream. But when the Thing comes (and believe me, it is coming) I imagine you’re going to have a hard time adjusting to the new status quo since you’re going to be hanging on for dear life, you miserable, puny coward.
^anti freak^
Dear Reader,
I would first like to thank you for going on this journey with me. I had never been to the future before, nor to the Goonscape. What’s more, I am fairly certain I would never have gone to those places or met the people who live there if you hadn’t come along with me. I am sincerely grateful for your companionship.
I imagine that at times it was a bit tedious having me as your only translator for strange peoples and places so I do apologize for any plot lulls or poorly written sections. We all try to get it right the first time but I know I failed at it at least a few times. In spite of those errors, I have decided to push myself to do more challenging work with this story. I’ve been developing a new avenue for some time now (behind the scenes– although there were little breadcrumbs along the way) and I think it is fitting and appropriate to call it Part II.
Yesterday morning at 5:06am, scholar and linguist Aamer Belkins-Dunjhab was pronounced dead in his suburban home in upstate New York. He had slit his wrists in the tub of the master bathroom. The following cryptic message was found at the scene and is believed to be a suicide note. He was 74 years old.
“I see now that I have been a destructive force in the universe.”
Belkins-Dunjhab is survived by his son Aakash, a student of engineering at Princeton University. Aakash is better known as Kashi Salaam and has done some work as an amateur filmmaker.
Dear Vivian,
WOWOWW I think a lot of those are really good schools anyway! Johns Hopkins is pretty dumb for not accepting you because it seems like you’re really smart and are also in every club known to mankind!!!!! I bet you’ll like whichever one you pick. I haven’t even started THINKING about college yet. I think my mom would want me to stay closer to home than Wisconsin because my brother really looks up to me. Like last night I made a pile of spaghetti into the replica of the tower of pisa and then he did it too. But then he smashed both of our towers with his hand which was super funny. But then we got tomato sauce everywhere and dude my mom was maaaaaaaaaad.
Do you think we have time to solve one more mystery before you go away forever?
– Hector / Grape Juice
Dear Hector,
You really don’t need to thank me. When I read that he peed on you I didn’t care about the mystery anymore. That’s just WRONG to do to people. Not to mention completely gross.
I got into Vassar, Rutgers, University of Wisconsin and a few others. I don’t know which one I’m going to yet because honestly I didn’t get into Johns Hopkins which was my favorite and also now my mom can’t stop reminding me that that was THE BEST PROGRAM and that I DIDN’T GET IN. Ugh. Whatever. I’m leaving her forever soon. I don’t even really care about medical school.
It’s funny knowing who you actually are now. I think we had gym the same period last year.
-Vivian
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As always, Etta Whare wants to share with you! Visit EttaWhareShares.com to find more recipes, tips, and showstream. Don’t forget to visit the store to see exclusive products from Etta’s exclusive brand Etta Smart Whare (c), kitchen craftsmanship for the modern home.Â
Hey Vivian,
Hopefully you will get this note and it won’t get grabbed up by someone in between. I just wanted to say thanks for turning over the detective logs to the principal. You were right. That was the right thing to do. I was really freaked out about it because I thought Billy would know it was me and come after me. You know he used to carry a switch blade around, right?
Now that he’s gone and he doesn’t know it was us I feel way better. Â Like a million times better. Like I can’t even pay attention in math class better.
It was really fun being a detective with you but I know you’re going away to college soon. Where did you get in? You don’t have to tell me if that’s weird or something. Anyway, thanks for being cool about all of this and me getting peed on and everything hahaha.
Seeeeeee you around,
– Hector (aka GRAPE JUICE!!!)
Dear Christopher,Â
I have a crush on you. Â
Love,Â
Sammy
Dear Christopher,Â
I like you. Do you like m
Love,Â
Sammy
Dear Christopher,Â
Do you want to go to the dance wit
Dear Christopher,
Valentine’s Day is so stupid.
Love,
Sammy
Sammy–
I don’t know. It’s okay. Are you going to the dance?
–Christopher
Dear Christopher,
I don’t know. Why?
Love,
Sammy
Sammy–
I thought we could go
Sammy–
Just curious.
–Christopher
Error 308 Permanent RedirectÂ
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Dear Reader,
A long time ago in August, a monopoly machine fastened itself to the top of my apartment building. The weather was mild and I remember I was cooking onions when I heard its jittering joints as it crawled up the side of the building, mounted the roof and penetrated the brick walls with the spines of its legs. Then it was still and did nothing for many months. I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want you to worry.
But three days ago the monopoly machine began squeezing. The steel bracing of my  apartment building wails all day and all night. The edifice is crumbling. Nightly, metallic claws have been probing all our units, searching for prizes.
So far I’ve managed to dodge the mechanical hydra but I am forced to flee my home. I am now headed to a strange new place on the far west side of Chicago called Portage Park. It seems really nice. There’s a creepy old movie theater, a grocery store and my new landlord is shaped like a refrigerator.
I am very excited to get back to work writing x9dread. There are currently 20+ entries queued up for later in the month but please give me a chance to stitch them all together. I do not have the brainspace or timemaneuvers to write these as I simultaneously paint, clean, move all my belongings, and unpack myself. No doubt, I will be inspired by these experiences to write more cramped, panicked entries for your entertainment.
Retrying server . . . Please Wait.Â
(Excerpt)
11. A jar of cinnamon peaches intended for Ayn Rand is still behind the counter at Streugmann’s.
12. A kilo of bottled French wines intended for David Bowie’s 50th birthday bash are still stuck at a post office in Fes.
13. A knot of wood in the likeness of Jarred Harris is still in the Greeley’s back yard.
14. A length of twine intended for Serge’s “rocket experiment” is still under the bed in his childhood room.
15. A legacy of grandma’s recipes are stuck together under a leaked jar of motor oil in the garage.
16. A muster of handmade toy soldiers are still “reserved” in Mr. Tanaka’s abandoned shop in Matsue.
17. A maturation of king orchids that Desta planted when she was 9 is still growing untended in the jungle.
18. A nanogram of Rush Limbaugh’s spittle is still in orbit around Saturn.
19. A node of the Skyhook’s most integral security bundle was blessed with a Hail Mary by Rafael “Bananas” Inez when he first hooked it up in 2022.
20. An ossuary of Robin Trichin’s dead parakeets is buried under the rose bush.
Quick note: I know I said on air that I would drop dead before listening to anything by Bebe Qissis but my 2nd cousin Maia is 11 and she likes dancing to Dance Crazy (Just For Me Boi). So….that happened. It’s still bad and terrible but  11 year olds dig that shit. I’ma have to steal her from my auntie and send her to music High Fidelity Castro bootcamp but I’ll wait until she’s outta pigtails. Okay, onto the actual music newzzzz….
Top 5 Worst Tribute Albums of the Year. Reverse order as usual, punks!
5. Grover and Grover. Seriously, guys? Grover covered their OWN debut album. It’s listenable I guess but I’m not sure that society actually benefited from this. Way to go, selling more albums, jerkwads.
4. Applecore Delilah Marquette is an okay singer song writer but her new album is preeeeeeetty bad. It’s all covers of Fiona Apple songs (one of Marquette’s biggest influences) but reworked into emopunk ballads of epic lameness. Delilah needs to just commit to her cute-as-a-button routine. This was embarrassing.
3. Finger Puppets didn’t cover a whole album. They just did a tribute to Visions of You by Labor District. Still awful enough to make this list. Sorry guys but tambourines have a time and a place.
2. Jeannie Monster. Popstar Jeannie (or as I like to call her, Pop Store Jeannie) is a bore-tastic mainstream slutstream and it hurts to hear her slur all over legendary Gaga’s discopop hits from the early 00s. Lady G’s contemporaries thought  she was a whoretastic bitch but listening to Jeannie’s version is like re-inventing the vomit wheel.
(And for real, everyone needed to stop doing covers of Gagas after Lilo & Bitch made Ro-Ma-Ma the master remix of the century in 2029. I never get tired of plugging this even though it’s ancient news.)
and the number 1 worst Tribute album of the year goes to….
1. Bacon Mozzarella’s tribute to Hyacinth. Hyacinth was way underground until the late 2030s before they BLEW THE FUCK UP and rapidly redefined the jazzy drops on metallic hip hop. But Bacon Mozzarella’s cover is just 8 shitty cottail tracks. Nothing added to the original songs, just a jacked noise experiment.  I’m not saying there’s no such thing as a good noise cover but these guys didn’t do it. And they kind of made it worse by tributing one of the best bands of the past 25 years. F is for Failure.
Don’t forget to tune into Luscious 102.4 FM Thursdays @ 4pm for more music and Yours Truly, High Fidelity Castro.
Sammy ——
Did you hear that Billy Braddish got permanently expelled??????
— CHRISTOPHER
Grape Juice,
I know that you probably don’t feel like telling the principal but we really have to. Meet me at the flagpole after school on Thursday. Bring the Detective Log.
-Vivian
Dear Vivian,
i spent a long time looking at this page before i wrote this.
I solved our mystery but I’m
Okay Vivian I have to write this in here because I thought about telling you in person but I don’t want to do that either. I found out who is peeing on the pinnies. It’s Billy Braddish. Maybe you know him. He’s a senior. I know him. He scares me. One time he cut some kid’s hair off and he steals people’s lunch money like every day. Well anyway he’s the one peeing on the pinnies and I know it for a fact because I saw him do it and then he peed on me too. me and two other kids who were hanging around afterschool.
well anyway, I solved the mystery so you can go be in the yearbook now or whatever.
– grape whatever
x9dread 