Does your mom like lilies?

Sammy–

Can I borrow your red sharpie between 7th and 8th period? I’ll explain later. Also are you wearing one of your mom’s shirts today? I’m pretty sure I’ve seen her wearing it before at your house. It looks really nice on you. Kinda girly but in a good way.

I don’t know what your mom did but Billy Braddish called my house last night and apologized. I laughed until I was crying. I’m going to hug your mom or pick her flowers from the lot behind the car repair. Lilies grow there for some reason. Do you know if your mom likes lilies?

–Christopher

Dear Christopher,

Here’s the sharpie. How do you know they’re lilies?

Love,
Sammy

Sammy —

They had lilies at my mom’s funeral so I know what they look like.

— Christopher

Markfel Joon the Godhead Goon

Markfel Joon

The Godhead goon

Brought us religion from heaven’s own spring

And your teachers will croon

Of Joon’s sacred boon

But they seem to have forgotten one thing

Joon’s berth is in glory*

Handsome and hoary

The soldier who studied the arts

We all know his story

Noble, pious and gory

But what of his great holy farts?

– sourced from Glijmo Yoll’s Goon Scrolls which were discovered in 1966 along the Côte Sauvage, Poitou-Charentes in France. Translated from Goonspeak to English by Aamer Belkins-Dunjhab. 

 *Translator’s notes: “Markfel Joon’s berth is in glory,” is from a Goon historical text called The Broken Soil (Hib-ai Klinjustuh gra). This text has not been recovered in its entirety but the phrase used in Yoll’s poem was found in sec. 9 par. 17. We can only assume it was a widespread text that even goonchildren would be familiar with. 

Absolute Frame of Reference Finally Determined

Scientific Historians in Japan released a surprising report yesterday. They claim to have determined that the current ethical standards of regular people in Tsageri, Georgia are the ultimate Frame of Reference for understanding human morality and purpose. The report stressed that it is urgent that mankind begin judging all of history, the future, and all moral continuums  against the cultural standards of this small Caspian town. This call to action has inspired a  flurry of activity among international academia and ethics experts.

Leading the charge is a small think tank of Dialectic Moral Philosophers at the University of Kyoto. This team is rushing to develop what they are calling “The Ultimate Meter Stick of Ethics.” The aim is to have this “meter stick” reflect the current moral attitudes of the 2,400 or so inhabitants of Tsageri as closely as possible.

“We are hurrying because this could end all wars,” explained Toshio Itou, one of the philosophers via translator. “This could end poverty. It could end all human suffering. We have to collect as much information as possible today. Tomorrow. Next week. After that, our window may be closed forever. As close as we can get in the coming days could determine the very fate of the human race. Even if our data is off, we believe it will bring a new era of man.”

Reporters were sent to Tsageri to gather the reactions of these newly celebrated people. When told this news, most Tsageri residents smiled, laughed, or wagged their index fingers at reporters. Townsman Botso Gelashvili was quoted as saying, “I had a good feeling about it.”

Izzles

Intelligent Subatomic Life was discovered in late 2015 by Amita Chopra and Sandra Hewitt during their tenure working with the Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland. The collider had not been running experiments for several months. This was the main impetus for first contact between Izzles (slang for ISL “Intelligent Subatomic Life”) and the human race.  Hewitt explained in one of the more famous exchanges with the European media in Geneva:

“There’s a whole queue of them waiting for us to turn the collider back on again. Several of them indicated they had been waiting a very long time to ride the collider.  So we measured the queue and indeed it stretches 15 lightyears into the solar system. Poor little guys.”  When asked to clarify what she meant by ‘ride the collider’ she laughed and explained, “Oh they think of it more like a roller coaster ride than an experiment chamber. In fact, since we found out about these little buggers, the team has found a few hundred piles of little subatomic pukes inside ring. We’re going to have to clean that all up if we want to keep getting good data.”

Izzles have an atomic weight of 1^(-10^900) and can travel 800 lightyears per second. They communicate with humans by actively rearranging brain cells in the mind of the person they are speaking with. Hewitt and Chopra believe that only a few people have had their thoughts rearranged by izzles and only with the thought-owner’s consent but others have theorized that izzles may have been manipulating human minds for centuries. I, personally, spoke with Amita Chopra in 2033 regarding this hot issue. We were both attending a dinner function hosted by actor, writer and environmental activist Gosford Stroggen. The following is a transcript of my conversation with Dr. Chopra during this dinner.

AB: Do izzles control our thoughts?

AC: That is simply not the case. They were only communicating with us because they wanted the collider back on. They needed a place to unwind. They’ve seen a lot of the universe already and they were excited about something new that they had never tried before.

AB: How did you know that? Did they tell you that?

AC: It was more like…I thought about the question and then immediately knew this answer. They were essentially talking through me.

AB: Are they talking through you right now?

AC: I don’t think so.

AB: How do you know?

AC: Ask me a tough question about something unknown.

AB: Is there a God?

[extended pause]

AC: I don’t know, Aamer. And I don’t know if that means that they don’t know either or that they aren’t in my head anymore.

Izzles have been accused of everything nefarious from controlling the mainstream media to causing (by failing to prevent) the Holocaust.* Other schools of thought suggest that perhaps izzles are the source of all human creativity. Many schism religions of the early 2020s posit that izzles are gods or played some important role in the creation of life on Earth.

*It is assumed that izzles would not want to cause a Holocaust of persons since, logically, if they wanted to destroy the human race they could have done so long before. It is also not known if izzles can distinguish between different ethnographic groups of people. Therefore, most published philosophical thought on the subject accepts the assumption that izzles did not directly cause this massive loss of human life in the mid 20th century. Even many Izzle-Accusers acknowledge this.

$4.50 for Billy Braddish

Dear Sammy–

Can you loan me $4.50? I owe that asshole Billy Braddish $25 but I am short. If I don’t pay him by 4th period today he says he’s going to try and kill your cat. Sorry. I’ll explain more at your house tonight. Am I still invited?

–Christopher

p-s — If he does actually try to kill your cat I will not let him. I’d rather have bruises everywhere than see Taylor dead. Sorry again. He just knows that you’re my friend.

p-p-s — thanks for being my friend.

Goon Captain Glisl

The fiercest goon pirate

The so-called Sea Tyrant

Was Captain Glisl, bringer of woes

He was cruel and defiant

A physical giant

But a goon only reaps what he sows

His language was rank

He constantly drank

His garnered riches that brought him no pleasure

So when his sturdy sloop banked

So hard that it sanked

His bones came to rest among treasure

– sourced from Glijmo Yoll’s Goon Scrolls which were discovered in 1966 along the Côte Sauvage, Poitou-Charentes in France. Translated from Goonspeak to English by Aamer Belkins-Dunjhab. 

Don Juan Burritos Xpress

The Don Juan Burritos Xpress on Howard street has filed for bankruptcy. All former employees are invited for reunion party this Saturday. Live band, drinks, make whatever you like on the fryer. They’re bulldozing this shit on Monday so let’s make this count, amigos.

You should do something crazy so people will be scared of you.

Dear Christopher,
What happened to your hair?
Love,
Sammy

Sammy–
We ran into Billy Braddish and his toads in the woods behind Foster’s ice cream. They cut it off with his switch knife.
–Christopher

Dear Christopher,
I’m sorry.
Love,
Sammy

Sammy–
It’s okay. I think I look cooler this way. Maybe now people will think I’m crazy and be scared of me.
— Christopher

Dear Christopher,
You should do something crazy while you’re hair is still like that. Let’s plan something at my house tonight. I think my mom bought you black graphite pencils because you were so interested in hers. Act surprised.
Love,
Sammy

Dear Christopher,
Sorry. That was all my fault. Mrs. Ramsey is such a bitch. Come over my house tonight. My mom has something for you.
Love,
Sammy

Goonshallots

Goonshallots are

So incredibly hard

You must first burst them wide

With a mallet

But if you dip them in lard

And fry them softly in tar

They make an almost palatable salad

– sourced from Glijmo Yoll’s Goon Scrolls which were discovered in 1966 along the Côte Sauvage, Poitou-Charentes in France. Translated from Goonspeak to English by Aamer Belkins-Dunjhab. 

Breast Cancer Alliance

Breast Cancer Alliance: A lobbying group in the United States Congress that existed between 1995-2022 which sought to keep a cure for breast cancer out of reach for as long as possible. For the better part of the 20th century, breast cancer marketing tactics created enormous incentives in the retail industry and huge kickbacks for insurance companies claiming to do research for the cure, treating symptoms or researching “preventative” measures.

The clandestine group was brought to light by journalist Jeremy “Jinx” Boiler whose mother and two sisters had died of breast cancer. His story is told in the award winning documentary The Pink Scare released in 2023 and also in the box office hit Battle of the Breast released in 2026 which starred Anthony Mackie as Boiler.

Exxon-Mobile’s Space Rocks Blown Away by Glam Rock Star

A dimly lit glam rock star exploded suddenly last Wednesday, destroying a small parsec of space, including a dense cluster small planets that were recently claimed by Exxon-Mobile.

“Exxon-Mobile is very proud and willing to stay current with the most recent legislation regarding transparent accounting in the private sector so I’ll just give it to you straight. The books are going to reflect major losses this quarter,” insider from Exxon-Mobile’s Intergalactic Strategy’s upper management told reporters early this afternoon. “But we have to remember that these were just a bunch of rocks out in space. They were sort of hard to get to in the first place and shareholders need to remember that there is no reason to sell stock over this. It’s going to cause a splash in the papers, of course. How can they help themselves? But it really doesn’t mean anything.”

In a dramatic moment during this interview at Exxon-Mobile headquarter’s lobby, a reporter from the Welshington Plost managed to squeeze in a question that was on everyone’s mind that day: “Why did Exxon-Mobile buy those planets in the first place? What was so strategic about it?” The insider declined further comment and specified that he wanted to remain anonymous.

In an effort to take advantage of the flurry of P.R., Exxon-Mobile’s biggest competitor, British Petroleum released a full report of all their current space holdings. They include various portions of near-space that are mostly unidentifiable to the layperson but one holding that did raise eyebrows was Mars. British Petroleum has declined comment but said that they are releasing a statement tomorrow explaining their “exciting plans for the solar system as Earth and British Petroleum move forward.”

Glam rock stars are white dwarf stars that formerly had music careers in the glam rock genre. After running out of dreams, heroin or both, many of these personages retired to the dark reaches of space and began undergoing conventional stellar decay. It is thought that the explosion last Wednesday was caused by the glam rock star Andrew Ellison from Jet but it is difficult to determine the identity of glam rock stars after they have ruptured.

Other glam rock stars known to science include Marc Bolan (T-Rex),  Paul Francis Gadd (Gary Glitter), and Farrokh Bulsara (Freddie Mercury). None of B.P.’s space holdings are within blast radius of these glam rock stars but representative Randy Chiller of B.P. told TV news reporters, “After Exxon-Mobile’s bad luck, we’re going to double check everything here at British Petroleum. We don’t like surprises. Believe you me.” Chiller’s smug grin and oblique reference were only registered by viewers over the age of 57 who shook their fists at their screens in silent, futile anger.

Goon-O-vision

The Goon-O-vision goggles

are sold at a store near you

The Goon-O-vision boggles

your world will look brand new

The Goon-O-vision toggles

between Fear and Red and Stink

your Goon-O-vision oggles

all so queer, you’ll never blink

Goon-O-vision goggles $39.99 available in the continental United States, Hawaii and Alaska. Registration required at purchase. Mobile apps available for android and iPhone.

Weird letters in my desk?

Excuse me but who keeps leaving all of these notes in my desk? I sit here during 4th period A.P. Algebra on Mondays, Wednesdays and Thursdays. Does anyone else sitting at this desk read these notes or is it just me?The first one was like from an elementary school student or something?  And the other was someone who didn’t speak English very well complaining about cheezits.

Is this a joke? I’m leaving this note here for you to explain yourself please. Are you also in A.P. classes? Just curious!

Thanks & no hard feelings,

Vivian

Dear, Vivian

Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian

Vivian Vivian Vivian grape juice Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian

Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian

Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian Vivian

Vivian Vivian Vivian  I’M  WRITING YOU LETTERS BECAUSE I’M A

SPOOKY GHOST WHO ALSO TAKES A.P. CLASSES!!!!!!!

Vivian:

Those letters are not for you but you can throw them away.

– G

The mans in leather hat has me securely by the balls.

You want I should make more off effert not to eat alll of the cheezits in my pockets but I tell you with full force that this is not of my decision. I am made to eat of the cheezits because a sinister man with leather hat tald me that if he ever findss another cheezits in my jacket pocket he will turn my eyes, blame my head and feed me to his bitchy dog. She is a poodle and I hate this poodle. She is such an asshole if I ever see this poodle without the owner, I will kick her in a place that I hopes to be her uterus. I am going to wikipedia the location of poodle uteruses just so I am preparred.

So thank you for caring so much for my health and sappurting me with my struggle with the cheezits but I have to eat all of the ones in my pocket to avoid destruction. This is not my choise. It is my berden.

Punk-ska 1991-2000’s Top 5

Quick side note: I have finally set a Google alert so that the next time Boban Markovic is trending on Twitter, I will be ready.  No more of this coattails bullshit.

Okay so, starting at the bottom, top five most influential punk-ska albums from 1991-2000.

No. 5) Macia Marcia Marcia’s self-titled debut album released February ’96 by SkaFreak. In the end, these guys did not deliver on their second album but they were definitely the first on the punk-ska scene to introduce tinny&squeak tonalities for trumpet duos. Major points for innovation. Also, an awesome drum line.

No. 4) Bennington Beach Holiday Inn is still, as far as I know, the only punk-ska band to have members from four countries. Dennis Hilks from London, Monique Viscont of southern France and Murrian Dortch from Frankfurt Germany (though, technically he is Scottish). The only American in the band is Bernice Rasher. They all live together at B. Rasher’s house somewhere in upstate New York. Anyway, the band is mentionable for having palpably strong jazz influences, French lyrics, and some of the most fashion-forward album covers imaginable. They broke up in 2002 but released all of their recording sessions from 1992-95 on a single download album called Mister Meister which is no longer available. Check mix CD bargain bins for this gem.

No. 3) Christian Nutrition and the Edible Loaves had released two really solid albums before the release of their triptych single Mary’s Got Long Nails in 2000 under the aegis of legendary label ZiProkMarketplace. It featured a complete overhaul of their instrumentation from gold standard punk-ska to the inventiveness of gospel punk logging.

No. 2)  Viven los Bincos!  dominates the niche genre with outstanding bass riffs, an unbeatable lyricist in Kenny Lagorring. Without a doubt, Jeremy Hills is the best trombonist to come out of the 90s ska scene. On the track Trombotini his shredding is unreal.

No. 1) BoosterMeat kills it at number one. Bo Hendrix. Need I say more?

Don’t forget to tune into Luscious 102.4 FM Thursdays @ 4pm for more music and Yours Truly, High Fidelity Castro.

Tree Goons

The tree topper goons

Make the gooiest foods

Their chews are all suction and smack

So now, tree bottom goons

Make the gooiest rudes

They throw insults that drip down your back

– sourced from Glijmo Yoll’s Goon Scrolls which were discovered in 1966 along the Côte Sauvage, Poitou-Charentes in France. Translated from Goonspeak to English by Aamer Belkins-Dunjhab. 

 

Calendar Saturation Disorder

Calendar Saturation Disorder (CSD) is a newly recognized disorder by the American Psychological Association. The first diagnosed patient was Jin Xiou-Bu in Hong Kong, China in 2010.

Common symptoms of CDS include anxiety, insomnia, binge eating, high blood pressure, and muscle tension. In clinical research, patients with CDS frequently describe having the sensation that they had missed important events which had not yet occurred and confusion about what day of the week it was. In some extreme cases, sufferers do not remember their own birthday, age, or mailing address.

Medical researchers at Bowdoin College released a study in 2011 claiming they had isolated a  gene (SYGP-ORF50) related to CDS. In their experiments, lab rats with the gene who were exposed to high levels of radiation  double booked themselves during lab rat weekends 1.5 times as often as the rats not exposed to radiation and 2 times as often as the rats without the gene. The study is peer reviewed and published in Scientific America’s Breast Cancer edition but the leader of the study admits that more research is required.

Neurological experts speculate that when one’s home is full of devices, appliances and small gadgetry that all feature calendar and clock applications, the human brain’s internal leaflet calendar begins to husk itself away in desperation. Likewise, our natural cerebral clocks, timers and stopwatches all begin to spin out of control, sometimes extruding microscopic gears and springs into the brain-blood barrier. This, in turn, can cause scarring on the brain.

Calendar Saturation Disorder can sometimes be confused with Time Traveler’s Disease. However, TTD is a much more serious condition where people fast forward through life, miss major plot points and characters, and ultimately do not understand the ending.

Dear Phillip

when you spiled my yogerrt on me it made me feel really bad and it stained my clothes. i wish you hadnt don it becouse i KNOW my mom is going to be sour . i hope you know now how much pae pain you have caused on me with your acktions !! please think back to this very second the nekst next time you see a kid in the lunch room who isnot as cool as you think that you are and you don’t spill his yogerrt on him becouse pepole don’t desserve it.

-FROM MATTHEW

 

Nonna Cucina

On Saturday of this past weekend, Martha Radcliff found several hairs in her spaghetti at the local Italian bistro, Nonna Cucina.

“It wasn’t just one,” Radcliff told reporters after the meal, “it was several. I mean, just too many to be excused. Blond. Actually, I’m getting sick just thinking about it.” She refused further comment, saying she wanted to go home and be with her family. Her husband confirmed her story saying, “I took it out of the waitress’s tip. I’ve never done that before but this was really something.”

Mario Pucci is the owner of Nonna Cucina and has apologized for the incident. “I can’t tell you how sorry I am. My father built this business from the ground up. I owe the community an apology for this lapse in quality. I don’t want to talk too much about what goes on behind the scenes but the person responsible no longer works here. I would like to offer the Radcliffs not only a refund but also fresh vegetables from my wife’s garden.”

According to the menus at Nonna Cucina, the restaurant’s name means “Grandmother’s kitchen.” Nonna Cucina’s online Yelp score has dipped half a star since the incident.

Boondoggling Goons

Boondoggling goons

Were sent to the moon

As part of a triptych mission

But one afternoon

The ship’s core ballooned

And they underwent nuclear fission

– sourced from Glijmo Yoll’s Goon Scrolls which were discovered in 1966 along the Côte Sauvage, Poitou-Charentes in France. Translated from Goonspeak to English by Aamer Belkins-Dunjhab. 

JockStrap Losers’s Clubhouse Rules

A big hearty handshake from the JockStrap Losers’s Clubhouse! We welcome you to our message board! (We have recently edited this page so we hope it’s a little easier to read and more informative than before!)

JockStrap Losers’s Clubhouse is quite simply a meeting place for men (and women!) on the Internet who are not into sports. If you are into sports that is okay too but you might not find out discussion boards so interesting! That being said, JSL Clubhouse is a welcoming space. Our main office is located in beautiful Harvard, Michigan and we invite you to come to our annual JSL Potluck Lunch on July 20th of each year at the Harvard, Michigan community center! (E-mail DavidSherry@Juno.net for details.)

If you are interested in membership please refer to all the following rules and regulations followed by our community.

1. Respect. There is a reason that this is the number one rule. If you are into sports, that is okay. We do not hate sports. We are just not that into them so we have peacefully created an online clubhouse for people who share this interest. Please do not smear our discussion bords with hurtful words or long postings about sports.

2. The annual JSL Clubhouse Potluck Lunch is business casual. Please no jeans! For more information about this event feel free to email David at DavidSherry@Juno.net.

3.  No gossipy discussion boards!

4. Still interested? Join by using the “Sign Up” wizard on the top right of the page. You will be prompted for your name and an authentic E-mail address.

Thanks a lot everyone!

Sincerely,

David Sherry

Clubhouse President

Migratory Birds

At 6:35 a.m. EST today, a flock of waxwing cedar sparrows being copy pasted from coastal New England to central Mexico was accidentally deleted from the clipboard. Roy Milker witnessed the error. “It was just like one second they were there. And the next, they weren’t,” he was quoted as saying by the Barrier Reef Journal of Blubbering Accusations. He went on to say, “If I shut my eyes, I can literally still see the negative spots of light where they used to be.”

Other witnesses interviewed at the time confirm that there were at least a dozen waxwing cedar sparrows in the migrating flock. They were described additionally as “colorful,” “in the air,” and “innocent victims.”

Waxwing cedars are filed under Least Concern on the IUCN Red List of Endangered Species. However, because no individual or group has come forward to claim responsibility for the deletion of the birds, an investigation has been launched to determine if this was a terrorist act or a key command oversight.

If you have any more information regarding the cached whereabouts of these birds or have backed up copies of waxwing cedars on your external hard drive, please contact your state representative or local chapter of Mother Earth Data Cloud.