Author: x9this

Mind the Goons.
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High Fidelity Castro Reviews Baby Grave’s New Album

If you’re feeling skintight hit a backslash on our UPIX. Best pix gets prizes, either: Tix to see HamGlam on their Cookin’ Up tour or a Trufist swag package (includes entire discography and discontinued shirts from ’15). Ring the bell, bitches.

My review today is for Baby Grave’s newest album Graven Images, featuring their hit single Chiara’s Tiaras. Baby Grave got together in the early 00s and they’ve always had a trancewave 80s dykerock sound. Their first album Dig It was sort of like The Knife meets Gretchen Animal. But Graven Images is like they dialed down all the candy and just went straight for the crunch. That or someone spiked my vein with rollos while I was listening to it. THIS IS GOOD SHIT, PEOPLE.

All in all, an amazing triumph over their second album Baby Gravy which strayed a little too pop-punk for my taste. Graven Images gets a Grade: A

Don’t forget to tune into Luscious 102.4 FM Thursdays @ 4pm for more music and Yours Truly, High Fidelity Castro.

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Old Spirits Day Gooning

On old spirits day

Rub your face with red clay

And go out for a full night of gooning

As you wander and stray

You should howl, growl and bray

Making sure that your voice is a booming

But as the sky starts to gloam

You must return home

Don’t get too wrapped up in your funs

Your goonaunties have combed

All the scabs from their domes

And the first child home gets the sweet ones

– sourced from Glijmo Yoll’s Goon Scrolls which were discovered in 1966 along the Côte Sauvage, Poitou-Charentes in France. Translated from Goonspeak to English by Aamer Belkins-Dunjhab. 

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The Broken Soil

The Broken Soil (Hib-ai Klinjustuh gra) is a goontext that fell out of the Goonscape and into the known universe in the 1980 Black Sabbath and Blue Oyster Cult tour, “Black and Blue” while they were performing in Uniondale, New York. It was discovered by Julian “Jose” Cantor who kept it in his personal library until his death in 2002. It was then passed along to the Brookline pubic library where it was immeditately identified as a goonartifact and sent to this author’s personal address.

The Broken Soil describes the Goonscapes relation to the Known Universe, implying that Goons themselves are aware of our alternate existence and histories.

The text deals primarily with the soul or “the interior,” peace among nations, and the orientation of divinity in the universe. A full translation is available in the library of congress.

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Wrong Pinnies

Vivian,

It’s okay that you put the pinnies in my locker. But these aren’t the right pinnies. The ones I’m talking about are red and blue and pretty old and dirty. These ones are new and plus they don’t even smell like pee.

– The Juice

________________________________________________________________

Dear Grape Juice,

Sorry!!!!!!! I didn’t want to smell them because I was afraid I would smell the pee. Which gym teachers are in the east gym again? I forget their names. I’ll try the same trick but with an alibi this time!

– Viv

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Vivian Needed an Alibi

Dear Grape Juice,

Sorry I had to hide these pinnies in your locker! I hope you don’t mind it’s just that I had to make up a fake volley ball practice to get coach Hyek to give them to me but I couldn’t bring them home exactly because my mom would notice and ask why I had them.  I guess I didn’t plan an alibi. We’ll have to keep things like that in mind.

So I hope it’s okay that I put them in your locker.

Thanks!!!!!!
Vivian

 

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New App for Your iWork Implant

Feelings Processor are now available in the Google Store Feed. Using 30 different bio-analyses subroutines (including nerve impulse scatter, cardiovascular and pulmonary metrics, and nutritional factors) this 80 kB subroutine is designed to perfectly measure your mood at all times. FP users can easily connect and follow each other’s status updates.

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Goonbarrowing

Goonbarrowing (variant: goonborrowing)– To borrow something that was originally yours but has been taken away.  The meaning comes from a poem from Glijmo Yoll’s Goon Scrolls describing a protagonist Hirreli who takes back the silk stockings she was swindled out of during a crooked game of Pilly-Snigg (a combination of poker and cups). She hides them at the bottom of a wheelbarrow full of potatoes.

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Bulletin Board Open Again

Dear Residents,

I’m happy to announce that the bulletin board is now open again. It was temporarily off limits because we were doing maintenance to the board as we have done every 2 years for the past three decades. I was very impressed to see just how much the bulletin board is honored and loved in our community. So, as I have said, the bulletin board is open again. You don’t have to post your items on this piece of cardboard anymore.

Thank you for your patience and also thanks to everyone who participated in the spirited demonstrations outside our office.

Sincerely,
Rosie Greenbaum
Comptroller General
Municipal Accountability Office

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Vivian Believes

@ Grape Juice,

OH MY GOD THAT’S SO GROSS. You think someone is PEEING on the pinnies in the east gym???! I never have gym in there anymore since I’m an upperclassman now but if you say it’s true then I BELIEVE YOU. That sounds like exactly  like the kind of mystery we need to solve!!

That gym is only used by sophomores and freshman so I think we can start there looking for suspects (no offense). Do you think it’s happening during school or after school? After school seems more likely. We should also try and figure out where they store the pinnies after you guys throw them all back in that mesh bag. It’s gotta be in one of the gym teacher’s offices. I have Mr. Hylek for study hall so I’ll pretend I need them for the volleyball team or something and ask him.

I guess you can call me Viv.

– Vivian

P.S. Sorry again that it took me so long to respond. I just have like 20 hours of homework a WEEK it feels like.

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Bulletin Board Petition

TAKE BACK THE BULLETIN BOARD PETITION!
please sign this petition if you want the bulletin board BACK! We only need 50 signatures!

1. Jeremy Feinstein
2. Mary Quick
3. Elizabeth Mogcheese
4. Frankdale Rosenhunch
5. Libby Marvelslide
6. Boom Biddy Boom
7. Heather Meeks (hey guys, take this seriously!)
8. Roy Feathers
9. Sarah Jixoun
10. Hector Morales
11. Booger T. Washington
12. Gladys Whales
…
205. Chesty Chesterson
206. Call Katrina for a good time xxx-544-8322
207. blank on purpose III
208. boners
209. Fister McButthole
210. your mom
211. fffffffffffaaartssss

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Bulletin Board Anarchy

The bulletin board is temporarily out of order. Please remove all notices from the board until further notice.
i hate this bulletin board!

– Rosalind Greenbaum,
Comptroller General
fuck you!

ANARCHY

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Pinnies in the New Gym

Viv,

Is it cool if I start calling you Viv? It’s just shorter is all.

I think I know a really good mystery for us to solve. We should try and find out why the pinnies in the new gymnasium always smell like piss. I know you probably think that’s gross and for once Vivian I agree. They ALWAYS smell like piss. They smell so much like piss that I am 100% convinced that someone is peeing on them. That seems to me to be the kind of mystery that everyone would thank us for solving. What do you think?

– Grape Juice

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The Atheist Mission

The Atheist Mission is the first irreligious world religion. As of this publishing in 2041, there are roughly 1.3 million members of the Atheist Mission.

Atheist Missionism was born out of an online chat community called the Atheist Scientific & Social Engineers Society (ASSES) which was first proposed and founded by <blaaahbarf59> in the “F**k Jesus” section of reddit. <blaaahbarf59> is now a member of the High Critics bar, a group of prestigious Missions who dictate the Atheist Mission rules and behavioral codes.

“It is, of course, an individuals choice if they want to follow our guidelines,” said High Critic Leroy Mason (<bitchesloveme99>), “but we dedicate a lot of time and research into these rules for our followers to observe. In the fight against god-fearing idiots, we have to stick together.”

In the About section of AtheistMission.com the High Critics explain that Atheist Missionism is essentially a fight against idolatry: “Idolatry not only refers to the worship of a God. Man commits idolatry whenever he honours and reveres a creature in place of God, whether this be gods, or demons (for example: satanism), power, pleasure, race, ancestors, the state, money etc.”

Atheist Missions tend to be white, English-speaking males between the ages 16-30.

The Atheist Mission is often conflated with The Internet Mission, another outgrowth of reddit’s atheism chapter. Devotees to The Internet Mission tend to be hermetic, dedicating their lives to printing out sections of the internet and binding them into manuscripts that are kept in a secret vault known only to the inner circle of The Internet Mission. The aim is to create a complete analog compendium of all digital human knowledge so that it is preserved in case of permanent interruption to the internet. This group has been nicknamed “the printernets.”

 

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Trina Fenton is Trouble

Dear Christopher,
Did I see you smoking with Trina Fenton on the soccer fields?
Love,
Sammy

 

Sammy —
Yeah kinda.
–Christopher

Dear Christopher,
You shouldn’t do that. She’s trouble. Besides, smoking is bad for you.
Love,
Sammy

Sammy —
K. Sorry.
— Christopher

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50 Incidents of Undiscovered Treasure

(Excerpt)

1. An armada of model wooden ships is still locked up in the lower left hand cabinet of uncle András’s work desk.

2. A braid of Sammy Mayes’s hair is still tucked away in the yellow album.

3. A clump of pink gak is still submerged at the bottom of the duck pond just behind the library.

4. A cluster of rubies lies in wait inside of Tom Waits’s skull.

5. A dram of whiskey infused with Tara’s green glitter is still under the Carlson’s porch.

6. An effigy of congressman Carlo Guzman is still graffitied under a bridge in his hometown.

7. A full set of  Queen Elizabeth’s summer playing cards is still in the secret pocket under the blue divan.

8. A granule of radioactive uranium is lodged inside Roman Putin’s front-most sinus.

9. A heap of Sonic Youth t-shirts once belonging to Crowned Princess Masako of Japan is still in the closet of her parents’ house.

10. An insulting inscription from Winston Churchill to his schoolmate Finch is still carved into a beech tree on the grounds of Stoke Brunswick School in Hove.

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High Fidelity Castro: iBuild Alpha’s CD

Bippity boppity bug-out brothers & sisters! Sinderella’s new music video is going to drop next Tuesday at exactly 12:00pm Chicago time. First 100 IP addresses to hit play at exactly 12:00:00 get free tix for you and one of your ugly stepsisters to any of the 12 locations on her next US tour. If you’re a winner, be sure to ping High Fidelity Castro somewhere on the Skyhook so I can send you special backstage passes. You know I always have the hook up.

Let’s talk some computery shit now. I hope you’ve all heard of iBuild Alpha. He’s the super computer up in Detroit that’s always protesting about artificial intelligent rights. Well get this! That robo-boss just dropped an electronica record called Sound Output! Foreal! I heard it last night at a listening party with some musika friends. Here’s my review:

WHOA so even though Sound Output has track listings, its pretty clear that the whole CD is just one continuous song which I think qualifies it as a concept album. Some people I know are calling it nextronica but I think it’s more related to heavy build with like a splash of solar rock. The treble sometimes gets a little stitchy in the creases but  overall I think this is some pretty good shit from a supercomputer. Overall, B+.

 

Don’t forget to tune into Luscious 102.4 FM Thursdays @ 4pm for more music and Yours Truly, High Fidelity Castro.

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Etta Whare Shares: Blackened Zucchini with Apricot Gravy

This recipe comes from Etta Whare’s Special 10th Anniversary Edition Cookbook: Grandma Whare Shares. Enjoy this special time of year with an edible blessing from the Whare family! 

Apricot Gravy (Prep time: 1 hour –  plan ahead!)

Bring 4 cups of water to a boil in a medium sized pot. When water is broiling, throw in 10 freshly skinned and pitted apricots in and close the lid. Turn the heat down to a simmer and let stand for 2o minutes. Test your apricots with a fork to see if they have become mashy. Remove the apricots from the hot water and place in a medium sized bowl. Mash the apricots with 4 tbs butter, 1/2 tsp of sea salt, 1/4 tsp cinnamon, and a dash of paprika. Put the apricots back into the drained pot. Add 1/8 cup of corn starch, stirring vigorously for 10 minutes. Voilà! A smooth and sweet apricot gravy!

Zucchinis (Prep time: 15 minutes)

Cut four zucchinis lengthwise into thin slices. Submerge these in a mixture of butter and cayenne pepper. Heat up a large skillet. One at a time, remove the zucchini slices from the butter and blacken each in the pan. They should take approximately 10 seconds on either side. Place on a plate in an ornamental arrangement, dress with warm apricot gravy. Enjoy!

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Thought Blockers

Thought Blockers is a new app available from SnapCareer Productions. Thought Blockers lets you filter or password protect any thoughts in your brain that you’ve marked as “Distracting.” Let SnapCareer help you stay focused on being a stand out employee instead of all the other junk.

Simple to install and integrates with any iWork edition higher than 5.02.

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Coca-Cola and NASA Reach Agreement

WASHINGTON DC — The National Air and Space Administration and the Coca-Cola Company sealed a deal yesterday that permits Coca-Cola and their affiliates to  advertise on select vehicles and systems.

NASA has fallen on hard times in the past 20 years. Economists and political scientists alike have offered up a host of reasons including the administration’s inability to compete with Apple and Murdock Corp.’s military bids, the scandals associated with two consecutive NASA directors, and the human race’s overall waning fascination with the known universe and new obsession with the Goonscape. Whatever the cause, NASA is hoping that an alliance with Coca-Cola will improve their image in the Information sector and raise extra revenue to develop new initiatives.

One of the most noticeable changes will be the presence of Coca-Cola sponsorship all over the National Air and Space Museum in Washington, DC. The Coca-Cola company has already put up red banners, filled the lobby with vending machines, and added a virtual reality room where guests can ride along on historic journeys to space and other planets with popcorn and a complimentary “tasters” of  Coca Cola’s newest beverages.

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Chased by Ninjas

Emma Willard claims that yesterday afternoon she was chased down by a pack of ninjas.

“There were just so many of them. I could feel my heart in my throat,” 38-year old Willard told local reporters. She explained that she was on her way home from the grocery store where she had purchased more than 30 cans of beans and fruit.  “The government-ordered electromagnetic pulse will be coming any day now so I really don’t even normally go out. Today was a weird exception because we just really needed more food in the basement. I don’t want to do this interview anymore. I just want to be at home with my children.”

Willard speculated that the ninjas were Harvard graduates. When asked why she believed this to be the case, she gnashed her teeth and muttered, “Liberals.”

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Only REAL Mysteries Get in the Year Book

@ Grape Juice:

I’m glad you found your brother’s superman pencil. You know you really shouldn’t be in the habit of borrowing other people’s things.

Grape Juice, we need to find a REAL mystery. Something that really challenges us, you know? How are we ever going to improve as detectives if we stick to small fries? We have to think of a mystery that affects the WHOLE SCHOOL. And then when we figure it out, everyone will thank us for it. Maybe we could even get in the year book!! I’ve never gotten into the year book (except for my picture, obviously) even though I WON the sophomore science fair. I do NOT understand what they do and don’t take pictures of. I’ve never even been in the candids!!!

Seriously brain-storming,
Vivian

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New Goonyear

As your calendar starts to go sheer*

Don’t let your face go all a-sneer

You’ve grown a bit older

So climb a new boulder

Can you see an approaching new year?

*Gooncalendars are made of translucent materials (plastics, sheer paper products, woven fabrics, etc) and the peeling of months results in new shades. There are no picture-calendars in the Goonscape.

Sourced from Glijmo Yoll’s Goon Scrolls which were discovered in 1966 along the Côte Sauvage, Poitou-Charentes in France. Translated from Goonspeak to English by Aamer Belkins-Dunjhab.

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Superman Pencil Gone Missing

Vivian,

Maybe we can try and find out who took my superman pencil? It’s kind of my younger brother’s and he really likes it but I borrowed it and then I lost it LIKE AN IDIOT. It’s been missing for like A WEEK. He even tattled and told my mom. I don’t think she was really paying attention though because he’s like 9 and just says things all the time that barely make sense.

Yeah I know Robby Safir but we’re not really friends. He can blow air through his eyes. Have you ever seen anyone do that? It’s super weird.

– Grape Juice

________________________________________________________________

Nevermind I found it (the pencil).

– Juice

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iPatch

The iPatch 1.0 was Apple’s compatibility patch released in 2030 for all non-apple technology. The iPatch was a three pronged approach to simplifying the chaotic proliferation of personalized digital technology.  The three major components of iPatch 1.0, Phase I were:

1. Install the compatibility application iWork on all devices feeding into SkyHook.

2. Sync all devices owned by an individual and upload that individual’s Pertinent User Information to a single account on SkyHook.

3. Automatically connect users based on computer analyzed communication information between accounts.

Launch Failure

The iPatch plan was controversial at best so Apple was compelled by the United States Congress to do an preliminary damage analyses to show that the iPatch would not endanger national security, economic structures, or users’ privacy. The report contained extremely detailed and fine-tuned technical information but the statistic that gained the most publicity was the “3% of robotics” that were not expected to integrate. Roughly translated, Apple anticipated that 3% of all devices communicating with Skyhook to be rendered inoperable by the iPatch, either by scrambling the device’s internal processors or the device would fail to mount the program and thereafter becoming unreadable by SkyHook.

As it turned out, the compatibility failure was actually closer to 8% and disproportionately targeted the elderly, the U.S. lower middle class, the U.S. poor, and heavy industry in poor nations. None of these groups were researched in the initial preliminary damage report and Apple has become embroiled in a series of international and domestic lawsuits since 2034, all still pending.

After the Launch Failure, the upgrade schedules for Phases II and III were postponed several times and finally vaulted as they became obsolete.

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Vivian was suuuuper busy with volley ball

Dear Grape Juice,

OMG I’m SOOOOO sorry I haven’t been writing in the detective log. I SWEAR I’ve been checking it like every other day or so but I didn’t know what to write! I thought the trail had gone cold, you know? Plus I was suuuuuper busy with volley ball practice and then I got sick and them my mom was being a huge bitch ANNOYING PERSON about where I have to apply to college. Omg, Grape Juice, just WAIT until you’re a senior. It’s AWFUL.

WOW I’m really impressed that you solved the mystery! That was pretty fun though, wasn’t it? I think we make a pretty good detective force.  It’s like, I’m the captain and you’re like the plain-clothes-cop. You know?

I’ve been thinking. Maybe we should keep this detective log around just in case there is another mystery at school. I know almost EVERYONE in my year and few people in the junior class too. I even know some sophomores (besides you) so I’m sure we can find other people who need detective work done.

What do you think?
-Vivian

p.s. You’re in marching band? Do you know Robby Safir? Or Josh Burke?