iPatch

The iPatch 1.0 was Apple’s compatibility patch released in 2030 for all non-apple technology. The iPatch was a three pronged approach to simplifying the chaotic proliferation of personalized digital technology.  The three major components of iPatch 1.0, Phase I were:

1. Install the compatibility application iWork on all devices feeding into SkyHook.

2. Sync all devices owned by an individual and upload that individual’s Pertinent User Information to a single account on SkyHook.

3. Automatically connect users based on computer analyzed communication information between accounts.

Launch Failure

The iPatch plan was controversial at best so Apple was compelled by the United States Congress to do an preliminary damage analyses to show that the iPatch would not endanger national security, economic structures, or users’ privacy. The report contained extremely detailed and fine-tuned technical information but the statistic that gained the most publicity was the “3% of robotics” that were not expected to integrate. Roughly translated, Apple anticipated that 3% of all devices communicating with Skyhook to be rendered inoperable by the iPatch, either by scrambling the device’s internal processors or the device would fail to mount the program and thereafter becoming unreadable by SkyHook.

As it turned out, the compatibility failure was actually closer to 8% and disproportionately targeted the elderly, the U.S. lower middle class, the U.S. poor, and heavy industry in poor nations. None of these groups were researched in the initial preliminary damage report and Apple has become embroiled in a series of international and domestic lawsuits since 2034, all still pending.

After the Launch Failure, the upgrade schedules for Phases II and III were postponed several times and finally vaulted as they became obsolete.

The Goonscape

The Goonscape is a sympathetic history that exists just beyond the Known Universe.

There is no known way of contacting the inhabitants of the Goonscape directly. Its existence has been discovered only through those objects that have fallen out of the Goonscape and into the Known Universe.

The best theory for how artifacts transmit from one dimension to the other is the SusyGoon Pivot Hypothesis which states as follows: The Goonscape and the Known Universe pivot laterally parallel to one another at different rates. If points of analogous quantum symmetry meet, then artifacts “drop” through.

It is indeed fortunate that some of the objects that have dropped out of the Goonscape and into the known universe during modern times were history books themselves. Notably,  The Broken Soil (ancient texts) and The Goon Scrolls (a collection of humorous goonchidren’s poetry). Both have been translated and treated in detail by this author in other publications.

It is suspected that items or lost people from our world may still exist in the Goonscape.

Goon Cultures: Yhomtoppa Goons

Yhomtoppa goons live in a Guldwoh desert oasis called Yhomtoppa. As a culture the Yhomtoppa are a secluded people. They do not have much interaction with other gooncultures or goongovernments. This is probably due to the fact that they use butterflies as currency.

The Yhomtoppa have been using this curious specie as early as 400 g.C. They themselves acknowledge that this is terribly inefficient but stress that it has made their society hardier and more harmonious. All members of the community are invested in the breeding of butterflies regardless of age, social status, or gender. They are some of the most beautiful and rare species of butterflies in the entirety of the goonscape and the known universe.

Due to the amount of time, energy and knowledge it takes to create large quantities of valuable butterflies, the wealthiest Yhomtoppa goons are almost all secluded intellectuals who have little to no interest in cashing in their menageries. They are compelled, however, to periodically re-infuse the local economy with common breeds and this economic balance is closely monitored by Yhomtoppa elders.

The wealthiest and most experienced breeders have developed ways of genetically enhancing butterfly health, life spans and can also manipulate the size of butterflies. Some have wingspans as small as 5 centimeters while others can sport wingspans measuring 46 centimeters.

Most Yhomtoppa families farm butterflies in their homes or gardens but many have learned to survive solely on butterflies they catch in the wild.

A simple-breed brown petal butterfly is worth approximately 2$US.

Doomsday(s)

Holiday

May 9: Bank holiday observed in Norway, Czech Republic, and Germany. Instituted first in Germany in 2013 to stave off total implosion of the German national economy during the second world depression. Now celebrated with frying of traditional pancakes and the exchange of small gifts such as fruits or household objects.

Apocalyptic Predictions

1.God’s Beam: The religious cult God’s Beam, founded by Jeff Goldblum predicts the end of the world on 9.20.11073. The date reflects the extrapolated time from Jeff Goldblum’s exact moment of death added to the amount of time it would take for his energy to reach the Godspot in the center of the universe, assuming that his soul is traveling at the speed of light.

2. Visionary Prairie Dog: VPD worshipers are a small segment of MidAtlantic Protestants in the United States who broke with traditional doctrine to worship the feed of Twitter handle “VisionaryPrairieDog.” The computer that runs the algorithms for VPD feed operates out of a small home in Bloomington, Indiana. The VPD feed periodically makes End of World (EOW) predictions and the VPD Church in Tampa, Florida updates religious calendars with this information. Secular members of the religion say that the doomsday component of their worship is not taken that seriously.

3. Earth Stewards: The Earth Stewards have several cascading dates earmarked for humanity’s End of Days as they systematically exhaust all of the Earth’s resources. The group keeps most of these dates secret but has released this rough outline for general review:

2063   Exhaustion of oil
2101    Exhaustion of lumber
2105    Permanent structures no longer feasible due to extreme weather and climate change
2117     Over 75% of fresh water becomes poisonous
2200    Surface habitation no longer possible

4. Goondoomsday predicted by Vikfael Oosaigin: The discovery of Oosaigin’s private letters is arguably the most exciting development in Goonarchaeology since the discovery of Yoll’s Goon Scrolls in southern France. Oosaigin was an administrative counselor to a number of Goon principalities in the Lim provinces in southeastern quadrant of the Goonscape. In a remarkable letter that he addresses to an unknown friend he writes,

Epochs will come
Epochs will go
But a Goonscholar’s task
Is to be In The Know

A sky will break
Into fiery snow
Upon each and all of us
Foreign, friend and foe

From whence we came
From whence we go
We all wind up
As heavenly glow

5. The Clock Machine (disputed): The Clock Machine was invented by Rafael “Bananas” Iñez as a tool for comparing times on different planets, regions of space and parallel universes. However, just 15 months after it was installed at a NASA facility in Kippy, New Mexico, the device began to malfunction. Despite countless diagnostic tests and rebuilds The Clock Machine rendered 16:08:001 for all times zones. Many began to speculate that The Clock Machine was interpreting a time or date associated with the end of all things.

Iñez always asserted that this was not a endtimes prediction but either an error in The Clock’s engineering or failure to integrate correctly with the 2030 iPatch. Toward the end of his life, he voiced regret that he had not designed an analog version.

Appendix: Grammatical Notes: Goon

Goon [ɡuːn]
      noun

  1. (International) English transliteration for a member of or the culture of Goons (Gjeunse).
  2. A hoodlum or ne’erdowell (obsolete).

       compound usage

1. The noun “Goon” is also used as a prefix. †
Examples: goonscape, goonopolis and goonfoods.

slang

1. Since 2030, the gerund “Gooning” has begun to supplant expletive infixation.
Examples: in/’goon-ing/cred-ible

2. Goon has also begun to morph into a lexeme forming certain indivisible compound words such as goonbears (adj. favorable, exciting) , goonchin (noun a smug person), goonover (noun take over), and pergoon (adv. both: diagonally and randomly)

 

† The affix “goon” is appended to words without aid of hyphenation or spacing. This grammatical rule was determined by The Viennese Grammatical Institute for ExtraHuman Language with both The Paris New Century Linguists Bar and Beijing School for Universal Language Precision concurring.

 

Gooningtonshire

A fat, jolly squire

From Gooningtonshire

Desired himself a young wife

So his friends all conspired

They searched and inquired

To find him a good match for life

Swains well-admired

Dressed up to inspire

But he pictured none as a bride

No one knew he desired

And only perspired

F0r goodmaidens sufficiently wide

– sourced from Glijmo Yoll’s Goon Scrolls which were discovered in 1966 along the Côte Sauvage, Poitou-Charentes in France. Translated from Goonspeak to English by Aamer Belkins-Dunjhab. 

The Oracle

‘The Oracle’ is the nickname given to the blog Sweaty Pony Weekly Check-Ups written in 2012 by Patricia Swiss and Nancy Nataglia. It ran from September 2012 to December 2017, updating bi-weekly. The content of The Oracle was a melange of satirical postings on topics including news from the future, celebrity gossip and a famous spread on 50 incidents of undiscovered buried treasure. The Oracle became noteworthy when one of its posts describing the death of environmentalist Sean Morris became one of the top three search results a few hours after Morris’s actual death on October 9, 2030. Many of the details in the fictitious post mirrored details from police and coroner’s reports.

The Oracle also predicted the invention of toe ball, vulcanized drum sets, and the destruction of the Hallmark Greeting Card corporate headquarters in Kansas City, MO by a meteor.

Sweaty Pony Weekly Check-Ups ceased updating after co-author Nataglia died in a car accident in 2017. She never lived to see any of the postings take on prognostic significance.

Swiss went on to write for Saturday Night Live and a hit television show called The Barracks. She also published a slim volume of poetry in 2039 called Figs: A cycle of poetry on child rearing. As of this re-issuing of World Glossary in 2041, none of Swiss’s later writings predicted events in the future whereas 17% of the posting from Sweaty Pony Weekly Check-Ups describe, in detail, events that have happened in the relative-future.

Meaning and Speculation

Reaction to The Oracle has been vociferous. This is a guide to some of the more popular theories.

Literary Cryptology:  A coterie of Literary Cryptologists at Cornell University have published on the idea that Nataglia and Swiss did, in fact, predict the future. They hypothesize that this was only possible for them as a team and Nataglia’s death ended their powers of prediction.

Nuclear Physics, Nano-Psychology and Izzle-Accusation Theory:  Prominent individuals from each of these three fields have expressed belief that Nancy Nataglia was influenced by izzles. This presupposes the notion that izzles create the future or know the future. Further discussion of izzle knowledge is treated in my book, Interpreting and Interpolating Izzles published by Pelican-Sweeney.

Visionary Prairie Dog: Worshipers of the Visionary Prairie Dog are perhaps the single most opinionated group on the subject of The Oracle because of its implicit rivalry with the VPD Twitter Feed. They are summarized as follows:

1.  The Oracle was actually a node of  trans-temporal backwash, and not written by the two women at all.
2. The Oracle was written in the future but was programmed to update in the past.
3. Nancy Nataglia was a time traveler visiting Swiss from the future.

Artificial Intelligence and other Skeptic luminaries: Skeptics and members of the A.I. Collective claim that the close resemblance between these postings and real life events is pure coincidence. Alan Rickman, a leading Skeptic writer, said of the The Oracle “[It] is irrefutable proof that when it comes to monkey-and-typewriting technology, bloggers of the 21st century were peerless innovators.”

Goonberry pies

Goonberry pies

Don’t taste very nice

If you like pastries that are fruity or sweet

They’re made with a spice

That can only entice

Goonuncles who eat with their feet

But when goonmother makes

Yucky goonberry cakes

Be a well-behaved, foul little brat

Find something that slakes

And fight your siblings for takes

Maybe next course will be roasted rat!

Translator’s notes: Goonberry cakes and pies are common dishes served during the Goon holiday of Blibberderth which is approximately the first week after spring begins. It celebrates flowers and fertility. Goonberries themselves are sour and sticky and, stereo-typically  goonchildren will not eat them. 

– sourced from Glijmo Yoll’s Goon Scrolls which were discovered in 1966 along the Côte Sauvage, Poitou-Charentes in France. Translated from Goonspeak to English by Aamer Belkins-Dunjhab. 

God’s Beam

God’s Beam is a religious cult founded by Jeff Goldblum and his nurse Marist Libby toward the end of Goldblum’s life. Followers of God’s Beam refer to themselves as “rays of light.”

God’s Beam teaches that Goldblum was a prophet whose religious genius was never  awakened. Because his divinity remained untapped at the time of his death, Goldblum’s soul is an enormous positive energy that is heading toward the “God Spot” at the center of the universe where all souls come to rest. However, the “God Spot” is a place of  negative energy and when the prophet’s soul reaches this place,  it will combine unfavorably with the negative forces of oblivion, unleashing a neutralizing wave that will destroy the universe on 9.20.11073.

Followers of God’s Beam presuppose a coming destruction  by neutralization and therefore all rays of light are expected to condition their souls with neutralizing ablutions so that they might survive the Destroyer Wave when it emanates back from the God Spot. The following are descriptions of the three major pillars of God’s Beam:

1. Oral Hygiene: One of the chief concerns of rays of light. The mouth is seen as a place of both immeasurable good and evil. Therefore, keeping it clean is neutralizing.

2. Shifting Good Deeds: Rays of light do not perform good deeds for other rays of light unless it is to counteract a bad deed. It is encouraged, however, to render good deeds unto non-believers since they are predisposed to having negative energies.

3. Avoiding Extreme Temperatures: This goes for food, climes or locations, and bathing. Physical exertion is cited  as an exception.

From the outset, the Goldblum family and estate have sought to distance themselves from God’s Beam, claiming that Libby took advantage of the actor in his old age. The family successfully brought civil suit against Libby and the GB church in 2039 to recover $485,000 that had been allocated to them in Goldblum’s will.

The Origin of Dark Matter

Dark matter, which fills 94% of this universe, is the waste produced by multi-cellular, anaerobic “Polluter” organisms that existed approximately 700 billion years ago. Each Polluter was comprised of 5 specialized cells and a single, flat flagella that was used like a solar sail to pilot through the vastness of space. These creatures evolved with the ability to consume practically everything that they came into contact with and convert it into energy.

Based on the total mass of dark matter in the universe (correcting for the rate at which the universe expands and the reproductive rate of these Polluter organisms) it is believed that this highly successful species existed for about 300 years at which point they became totally extinct over a very short period of time due to lack of food.

Goonstyle Rising in Urban Centers

Fashionistas in major cities all over the United States may be noticing the changing window dressing in their favorite chic boutiques this season. Mostly because this seasons’s style is all about Goonstyle.

Fringe fashion blogger and self-described ‘Cultural Deviant’ Taylor McGavin has been following the emergent Goon trend since 2007. “It all started up in Rome in the fall of that year,” she explains. “Just all of a sudden you started seeing Goon craftsmanship incorporated into a lot of boot production there. The engraving, the spikes, blacks, reds, gems. All of it. Not all at once but overall you could see it happening. The style was  picked up in Moscow five years later where it started to spread like crazy to most Eastern European cities. They were onto this trend way before London and the west. Which is weird, right? Since the Goon Scrolls were discovered in France by that American guy I think? Anyway, totally weird and I love it.”

But McGavin isn’t the only person who caught on early to this emerging trend. Lili Mascopone was interning in Italy at a design company that works in Dolce & Gabbana in the winter of 2009. She also spotted the Gooncraze in its early beginnings.

“The goonfashion is known throughout Italy now. A woman will not leave her house unless she has an article of goonfashion with her. It’s the most I’ve ever seen a trend affect people. Trendy people love trendy clothes, yes, but this goonfashion is a must-have for people of all fashions. It’s so simple to incorporated into anyone’s closet or life style. On any budget. It is truly a new era of fashion.” As she tells us this, she sports her ragged black and white silk t shirt declaring “i ❤ Goon.”

Goonstyle is characterized by heavy leathers, furs, and translucent materials that simulate goos and greases. Marc Jacobs, Sigrid Olsen, and Lucky Jeans have all announced that their winter collections will be exclusively in Goonstyle.

Markfel Joon the Godhead Goon

Markfel Joon

The Godhead goon

Brought us religion from heaven’s own spring

And your teachers will croon

Of Joon’s sacred boon

But they seem to have forgotten one thing

Joon’s berth is in glory*

Handsome and hoary

The soldier who studied the arts

We all know his story

Noble, pious and gory

But what of his great holy farts?

– sourced from Glijmo Yoll’s Goon Scrolls which were discovered in 1966 along the Côte Sauvage, Poitou-Charentes in France. Translated from Goonspeak to English by Aamer Belkins-Dunjhab. 

 *Translator’s notes: “Markfel Joon’s berth is in glory,” is from a Goon historical text called The Broken Soil (Hib-ai Klinjustuh gra). This text has not been recovered in its entirety but the phrase used in Yoll’s poem was found in sec. 9 par. 17. We can only assume it was a widespread text that even goonchildren would be familiar with. 

Izzles

Intelligent Subatomic Life was discovered in late 2015 by Amita Chopra and Sandra Hewitt during their tenure working with the Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland. The collider had not been running experiments for several months. This was the main impetus for first contact between Izzles (slang for ISL “Intelligent Subatomic Life”) and the human race.  Hewitt explained in one of the more famous exchanges with the European media in Geneva:

“There’s a whole queue of them waiting for us to turn the collider back on again. Several of them indicated they had been waiting a very long time to ride the collider.  So we measured the queue and indeed it stretches 15 lightyears into the solar system. Poor little guys.”  When asked to clarify what she meant by ‘ride the collider’ she laughed and explained, “Oh they think of it more like a roller coaster ride than an experiment chamber. In fact, since we found out about these little buggers, the team has found a few hundred piles of little subatomic pukes inside ring. We’re going to have to clean that all up if we want to keep getting good data.”

Izzles have an atomic weight of 1^(-10^900) and can travel 800 lightyears per second. They communicate with humans by actively rearranging brain cells in the mind of the person they are speaking with. Hewitt and Chopra believe that only a few people have had their thoughts rearranged by izzles and only with the thought-owner’s consent but others have theorized that izzles may have been manipulating human minds for centuries. I, personally, spoke with Amita Chopra in 2033 regarding this hot issue. We were both attending a dinner function hosted by actor, writer and environmental activist Gosford Stroggen. The following is a transcript of my conversation with Dr. Chopra during this dinner.

AB: Do izzles control our thoughts?

AC: That is simply not the case. They were only communicating with us because they wanted the collider back on. They needed a place to unwind. They’ve seen a lot of the universe already and they were excited about something new that they had never tried before.

AB: How did you know that? Did they tell you that?

AC: It was more like…I thought about the question and then immediately knew this answer. They were essentially talking through me.

AB: Are they talking through you right now?

AC: I don’t think so.

AB: How do you know?

AC: Ask me a tough question about something unknown.

AB: Is there a God?

[extended pause]

AC: I don’t know, Aamer. And I don’t know if that means that they don’t know either or that they aren’t in my head anymore.

Izzles have been accused of everything nefarious from controlling the mainstream media to causing (by failing to prevent) the Holocaust.* Other schools of thought suggest that perhaps izzles are the source of all human creativity. Many schism religions of the early 2020s posit that izzles are gods or played some important role in the creation of life on Earth.

*It is assumed that izzles would not want to cause a Holocaust of persons since, logically, if they wanted to destroy the human race they could have done so long before. It is also not known if izzles can distinguish between different ethnographic groups of people. Therefore, most published philosophical thought on the subject accepts the assumption that izzles did not directly cause this massive loss of human life in the mid 20th century. Even many Izzle-Accusers acknowledge this.

Goon Captain Glisl

The fiercest goon pirate

The so-called Sea Tyrant

Was Captain Glisl, bringer of woes

He was cruel and defiant

A physical giant

But a goon only reaps what he sows

His language was rank

He constantly drank

His garnered riches that brought him no pleasure

So when his sturdy sloop banked

So hard that it sanked

His bones came to rest among treasure

– sourced from Glijmo Yoll’s Goon Scrolls which were discovered in 1966 along the Côte Sauvage, Poitou-Charentes in France. Translated from Goonspeak to English by Aamer Belkins-Dunjhab. 

Goonshallots

Goonshallots are

So incredibly hard

You must first burst them wide

With a mallet

But if you dip them in lard

And fry them softly in tar

They make an almost palatable salad

– sourced from Glijmo Yoll’s Goon Scrolls which were discovered in 1966 along the Côte Sauvage, Poitou-Charentes in France. Translated from Goonspeak to English by Aamer Belkins-Dunjhab. 

Breast Cancer Alliance

Breast Cancer Alliance: A lobbying group in the United States Congress that existed between 1995-2022 which sought to keep a cure for breast cancer out of reach for as long as possible. For the better part of the 20th century, breast cancer marketing tactics created enormous incentives in the retail industry and huge kickbacks for insurance companies claiming to do research for the cure, treating symptoms or researching “preventative” measures.

The clandestine group was brought to light by journalist Jeremy “Jinx” Boiler whose mother and two sisters had died of breast cancer. His story is told in the award winning documentary The Pink Scare released in 2023 and also in the box office hit Battle of the Breast released in 2026 which starred Anthony Mackie as Boiler.

Tree Goons

The tree topper goons

Make the gooiest foods

Their chews are all suction and smack

So now, tree bottom goons

Make the gooiest rudes

They throw insults that drip down your back

– sourced from Glijmo Yoll’s Goon Scrolls which were discovered in 1966 along the Côte Sauvage, Poitou-Charentes in France. Translated from Goonspeak to English by Aamer Belkins-Dunjhab. 

 

Calendar Saturation Disorder

Calendar Saturation Disorder (CSD) is a newly recognized disorder by the American Psychological Association. The first diagnosed patient was Jin Xiou-Bu in Hong Kong, China in 2010.

Common symptoms of CDS include anxiety, insomnia, binge eating, high blood pressure, and muscle tension. In clinical research, patients with CDS frequently describe having the sensation that they had missed important events which had not yet occurred and confusion about what day of the week it was. In some extreme cases, sufferers do not remember their own birthday, age, or mailing address.

Medical researchers at Bowdoin College released a study in 2011 claiming they had isolated a  gene (SYGP-ORF50) related to CDS. In their experiments, lab rats with the gene who were exposed to high levels of radiation  double booked themselves during lab rat weekends 1.5 times as often as the rats not exposed to radiation and 2 times as often as the rats without the gene. The study is peer reviewed and published in Scientific America’s Breast Cancer edition but the leader of the study admits that more research is required.

Neurological experts speculate that when one’s home is full of devices, appliances and small gadgetry that all feature calendar and clock applications, the human brain’s internal leaflet calendar begins to husk itself away in desperation. Likewise, our natural cerebral clocks, timers and stopwatches all begin to spin out of control, sometimes extruding microscopic gears and springs into the brain-blood barrier. This, in turn, can cause scarring on the brain.

Calendar Saturation Disorder can sometimes be confused with Time Traveler’s Disease. However, TTD is a much more serious condition where people fast forward through life, miss major plot points and characters, and ultimately do not understand the ending.

Boondoggling Goons

Boondoggling goons

Were sent to the moon

As part of a triptych mission

But one afternoon

The ship’s core ballooned

And they underwent nuclear fission

– sourced from Glijmo Yoll’s Goon Scrolls which were discovered in 1966 along the Côte Sauvage, Poitou-Charentes in France. Translated from Goonspeak to English by Aamer Belkins-Dunjhab.