Tag: reference

The Atheist Mission is the first irreligious world religion. As of this publishing in 2041, there are roughly 1.3 million members of the Atheist Mission.

Atheist Missionism was born out of an online chat community called the Atheist Scientific & Social Engineers Society (ASSES) which was first proposed and founded by <blaaahbarf59> in the “F**k Jesus” section of reddit. <blaaahbarf59> is now a member of the High Critics bar, a group of prestigious Missions who dictate the Atheist Mission rules and behavioral codes.

“It is, of course, an individuals choice if they want to follow our guidelines,” said High Critic Leroy Mason (<bitchesloveme99>), “but we dedicate a lot of time and research into these rules for our followers to observe. In the fight against god-fearing idiots, we have to stick together.”

In the About section of AtheistMission.com the High Critics explain that Atheist Missionism is essentially a fight against idolatry: “Idolatry not only refers to the worship of a God. Man commits idolatry whenever he honours and reveres a creature in place of God, whether this be gods, or demons (for example: satanism), power, pleasure, race, ancestors, the state, money etc.”

Atheist Missions tend to be white, English-speaking males between the ages 16-30.

The Atheist Mission is often conflated with The Internet Mission, another outgrowth of reddit’s atheism chapter. Devotees to The Internet Mission tend to be hermetic, dedicating their lives to printing out sections of the internet and binding them into manuscripts that are kept in a secret vault known only to the inner circle of The Internet Mission. The aim is to create a complete analog compendium of all digital human knowledge so that it is preserved in case of permanent interruption to the internet. This group has been nicknamed “the printernets.”

The iPatch 1.0 was Apple’s compatibility patch released in 2030 for all non-apple technology. The iPatch was a three pronged approach to simplifying the chaotic proliferation of personalized digital technology.  The three major components of iPatch 1.0, Phase I were:

1. Install the compatibility application iWork on all devices feeding into SkyHook.

2. Sync all devices owned by an individual and upload that individual’s Pertinent User Information to a single account on SkyHook.

3. Automatically connect users based on computer analyzed communication information between accounts.

Launch Failure

The iPatch plan was controversial at best so Apple was compelled by the United States Congress to do an preliminary damage analyses to show that the iPatch would not endanger national security, economic structures, or users’ privacy. The report contained extremely detailed and fine-tuned technical information but the statistic that gained the most publicity was the “3% of robotics” that were not expected to integrate. Roughly translated, Apple anticipated that 3% of all devices communicating with Skyhook to be rendered inoperable by the iPatch, either by scrambling the device’s internal processors or the device would fail to mount the program and thereafter becoming unreadable by SkyHook.

As it turned out, the compatibility failure was actually closer to 8% and disproportionately targeted the elderly, the U.S. lower middle class, the U.S. poor, and heavy industry in poor nations. None of these groups were researched in the initial preliminary damage report and Apple has become embroiled in a series of international and domestic lawsuits since 2034, all still pending.

After the Launch Failure, the upgrade schedules for Phases II and III were postponed several times and finally vaulted as they became obsolete.

God’s Beam is a religious cult founded by Jeff Goldblum and his nurse Marist Libby toward the end of Goldblum’s life. Followers of God’s Beam refer to themselves as “rays of light.”

God’s Beam teaches that Goldblum was a prophet whose religious genius was never  awakened. Because his divinity remained untapped at the time of his death, Goldblum’s soul is an enormous positive energy that is heading toward the “God Spot” at the center of the universe where all souls come to rest. However, the “God Spot” is a place of  negative energy and when the prophet’s soul reaches this place,  it will combine unfavorably with the negative forces of oblivion, unleashing a neutralizing wave that will destroy the universe on 9.20.11073.

Followers of God’s Beam presuppose a coming destruction  by neutralization and therefore all rays of light are expected to condition their souls with neutralizing ablutions so that they might survive the Destroyer Wave when it emanates back from the God Spot. The following are descriptions of the three major pillars of God’s Beam:

1. Oral Hygiene: One of the chief concerns of rays of light. The mouth is seen as a place of both immeasurable good and evil. Therefore, keeping it clean is neutralizing.

2. Shifting Good Deeds: Rays of light do not perform good deeds for other rays of light unless it is to counteract a bad deed. It is encouraged, however, to render good deeds unto non-believers since they are predisposed to having negative energies.

3. Avoiding Extreme Temperatures: This goes for food, climes or locations, and bathing. Physical exertion is cited  as an exception.

From the outset, the Goldblum family and estate have sought to distance themselves from God’s Beam, claiming that Libby took advantage of the actor in his old age. The family successfully brought civil suit against Libby and the GB church in 2039 to recover $485,000 that had been allocated to them in Goldblum’s will.

Dark matter, which fills 94% of this universe, is the waste produced by multi-cellular, anaerobic “Polluter” organisms that existed approximately 700 billion years ago. Each Polluter was comprised of 5 specialized cells and a single, flat flagella that was used like a solar sail to pilot through the vastness of space. These creatures evolved with the ability to consume practically everything that they came into contact with and convert it into energy.

Based on the total mass of dark matter in the universe (correcting for the rate at which the universe expands and the reproductive rate of these Polluter organisms) it is believed that this highly successful species existed for about 300 years at which point they became totally extinct over a very short period of time due to lack of food.